To tell DS17 he shouldn’t come with us to Florida next year.

[Kickinthenostalgia]

as a family 4 we booked to go to America in April but I’m hugely regretting it now. Ds17 has asd and is somewhat getting harder and harder to deal with whilst out. He’s absolutely fine at home but whenever we go places it’s just so much aggro, he didnt fancy our caravan holiday so didn’t come with us this year and I feel guilty in saying this but it was so much better. No issues, no arguments, no meltdowns, no stepping on eggshells. We thought he’d really want to go to America and he was really excited, until he wasn’t but is still talking about going. He absolutely hates trump, keeps saying he’s not eating American food because it’s full of chemicals, he complained when we did our Estas, about them having all the information on him etc. I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to tell us in case we are mad about the money.

The last 2 days have been a nightmare for me and DP as well as my sister who’s bearing the brunt of it. as he’s currently over in Belgium with my sister and he’s barely left the hotel. I called him earlier to ask him if he’d like to come home early and he told me he didn’t feel safe and now my sister has said he hasn’t even gone for food this evening . I feel bad for her because she’s having to cut her holiday short( for which I’m reimbursing her) also she’s been doing everything solo which wasn’t was she thought she’d be doing.

I honestly don’t think he will manage in America as he’d most likely feel more unsafe over there. I also don’t want him ruining it for dd13. If we cancel the whole holiday it’s one not fair or DP or dd as they’ve never been, and we stand to lose a lot of money, where as if it’s just him then the hit won’t be too bad. I feel guilty as he’ll even thinking about this but I don’t want him distressed for 2 weeks because it will make everyone else feel awkward. But he absolutely loves rollercoasters and has been talking about the Florida ones for years. I want to sit him down and make all the points very clear. I’m really not sure what to do for the best 🙁

I wouldn’t take him. He’s going to be very negative and that will ruin it for your other child .
Hes 17. I’m surprised your sister is taking him home. If he stayed in his room, that’s on him. If he didn’t want to eat, that is also on him.

Sit with him and do a pro and cons list - emphasising all the things he doesn't like If the only thing he likes are the roller coasters - ask what he'll do for the rest of the time - maybe seeing it in a logical way will help him decide

There was a discussion before we booked. A massive one. I wouldn’t have just gone ahead and booked it, that’s a lot of money to spend if I wasn’t sure he wanted to come.

we booked it in July, a lot has gone on since then. He actually said to me earlier when I picked him up from my sisters that he doesn’t know how he will manage in America.
Im waiting until after his 18th birthday in January to have the discussion because there’s a lot going on with Christmas etc and his college assignments.
i absolutely want him to experience it however, I don’t want him to go just because he thinks he will get in trouble for changing his mind, which isn’t the case but he knows how much money was spent so he will probably have mixed feelings. I will lay everything out there pros and cons.

Can you take him to an American style big loud restaurant around you and say it’s to try some American style food ready for our holiday?…. And if he refuses to eat doesn’t cope melts down then that can help direct the conversation that maybe a holiday to America isn’t for him.

He will eat in American diners here and such, it’s the fact they add chemicals to thier food which he again mentioned today.

Sit with him and do a pro and cons list - emphasising all the things he doesn't like If the only thing he likes are the roller coasters - ask what he'll do for the rest of the time - maybe seeing it in a logical way will help him decide

I’d be worried about going through security on arrival. You have to be yes sir no sir, or things can get difficult very quickly. Any hint of an anti American attitude is pounced upon!

I would say, do not let him go.
Yes, he loves roller coasters, but honestly, there are other places in the world to go to to ride roller coasters. He don't need to go to Florida which is like, #1 Trump land... And you say that he's already super triggered by the idea of Trump. So, Florida definitely not the best place to be visiting.

In the new year, there's going to be even more changes for visitors, You're going to have to get your photograph taken when entering the United States, that started December 1st, your son's going to feel like he's getting a mugshot taken and he's not going to like it.
Guns are legal all over the States, but Florida's a pretty big gun state, and if your son's against that too, he ain't going to like it.
And the food? I'm not saying you can't get good food while you're on vacation in the tourist areas of Florida, but there is an awful lot of American comfort food aka fast food aka North American food and yet, if he's against that, he's not going to like that either.

Probably best to give it a miss. If it's like being on eggshells when your son's on vacation with you because of his various difficulties and opinions when you are in a country other than America, and you're planning on going to America which he's already against the government, the president, the food, the gun laws etc, you're just better off not bringing him.

Do you not realise that many people with ‘high-functioning’ autism are unable to go to uni or hold down a job… or even to live independently?

I'd also like to advise you, while I am not American, a ton has changed since July and a ton more is more than likely going to change before you guys come to visit.
And this is not the presidency / administration to have in power if you are even the slightest bit anti-American, vocally, attitude, or anything on your social media. That is a small percentage but it is still something that the American border guards can check if they wish to as you are entering the country, either as a random check or if they get a suspicion that you're being difficult, they can check your phones, your laptops, check your social media, check your emails, and if they find things on there that speak poorly of their administration / president, well, it won't be good for you. They can send you right back again. They've always had the right to do that, this is not a new thing, but they're exercising this right a lot more in the past 11 months.
Not trying to put a scare tactic out there, just letting you know that this is a real thing.
You really really have to keep your mouth shut and your nose clean if you are preparing to travel to the US these days. And if your son can't do that because of his ferris cognitive/neurological / behavioral difficulties, then this is not the place to be visiting at this time, he'll put all of you in danger of being refused entry. I'm not kidding. It may not be statistically an exceptionally likely thread, but it is one.

You can't uninvite him, obviously, that would be absolutely horrendous.

But you can put the question to him kindly and carefully wouldn't it be better to be able to stay home and not have all the hassles of the trip, would he prefer that? He will probably jump at the chance to avoid it.

I might perhaps be too late, but I’d feel bad if I didn’t say something.
I’m an American citizen in California.
The people in Florida have guns.
Many of them carry those guns.
Most people in Florida are very pro-Trump.
If your son were to pop off at an armed MAGA Trump-supporting person with poor impulse-control, things could end very badly.
I’d never want to tempt fate.
I don’t know why people don’t just come to Disneyland in California and fly over Florida altogether.
Have a safe trip and lots of fun. ❤️

Don't even know why you're second guessing yourself.
OP you have permission to leave him in the care of your mum where he would be happier, safe in his own home and familiar routines.
The rest of you, have a fantastic time and enjoy yourselves. You've been caring for nearly 18 years! You deserve a long break.
Some people like everyone to be miserable and self sacrificing, allow that!
Have fun!

Given what’s happened in Belgium, I agree that it’s best he stays at home with your Mum.

We don’t always take holidays as an entire family, DH has taken each child on separate long haul trips, for example, based on what suited them at the time. If your DS isn’t enjoying traveling right now, perhaps you can treat him to something else special next year, instead of this holiday? Something related to an activity or hobby that he particularly enjoys, for example.

Treating children equally doesn’t necessarily mean doing exactly the same things with them.

@Kickinthenostalgia

My assumption is that by 'Florida' you mean either WDW or USO.

I haven't been to USO, but have been to WDW multiple times. WDW has a very good system for guests who are ND and their staff is well trained, including the wait staff, and there are so many different eateries at WDW, I'm sure your DS will find something that appeals, even if it's the fresh fruit stands. And there is Sunshine Seasons and Garden Grill, both at Epcot, who use fresh organic produce grown right at WDW. If he goes on 'Living with the Land' he can actually see it being grown as well as the fish they farm there.

If DS decides he wants to go, I'd suggest you stay 'onsite' at one of the WDW hotels. Yes, it costs more, but you'll be 'in the bubble' and much less likely to run into a 'Trump lovin', gun totin' Floridian'. As a life long native born Californian, I was dismayed at a PP claiming to be a Californian doing such stereotyping. We're not all 'lefty commie hippies' here and Floridians aren't all Trumpers. Yes, there are MAGA there, but by and large the people we've dealt with in Florida have been pleasant, friendly, and professional. And usually just as anxious to keep politics out of the conversation as we were.

If you're going to USO, I'm sure they have something similar, you call always call them and ask about accommodations for your DS.

Just make the whole Florida trip sound so unpleasant he proactively opts out. Start really talking up the hot dogs with Cheez Whiz, the Frito Pie, and the Rainbow Sheet Cake with aerosol whipped cream. Mention how you'll be sending your afternoons at the shooting range. Maybe plan a marathon of Travels in Trumpland With Ed Balls. That way DS happily stays home none the worse and you get the trip you really want, guilt-free.

It’s such a difficult one. My ND DD thrived in the American South last year, coped way better than I was expecting, but the US overall is a complete sensory overload on many fronts. And agree with the comments about border control and TSA agents. I feel for you.

If he doesn’t go, could you change the name on the tickets and take your sister instead rather than lose the money?

I think as it seems best if he doesn’t go, you’d be better having the conversation soon while the overwhelm of Belgium is fresh in his mind.

@Kickinthenostalgia

Im wondering... If you have current holiday insurance... You may well be covered for this...

Years ago a youngster I worked with had a significant increase in his mental health issues and it would have caused massive stress to be away 'in holiday' . We got a GP note.

The Bast majority of the money was reimbursed.

‘Sullen and sulky men ..”
Wow.
The young man is autistic !!!

I'd leave him home and no I wouldn't feel bad about it not if his just going to ruin it for the rest of you sorry but asd isn't an excuse for being a shit

Crikey - some of these posts! I'd be more concerned about the state of his mental health than any other considerations.

Only the OP knows him really well and whether he would be better off staying at home with his grandma.

I know what you are going through. There is no point ‘sitting him down’ as you may as well talk to the actual chair as he just won’t listen.

If your gut is telling you he will ruin the holiday, you are probably right. Do whatever you need to do and all the very best to you, I completely understand and it hurts x

DD16 AuDHD travels really well now. She absolutely loved Florida. Have you thought about some online coaching for him over his anxieties?

My autistic young adult, I suspect, would be difficult if travelling with an aunt to Belgium. Mine would be bored and uninterested. The aunt, may not be used to dealing with him full time and struggle to accommodate his needs. This sounds challenging all round.

However going to America will be different, the climate, participating in activities he enjoys you just need to make accommodations. Uninviting him is mean, he is part of your family and it may have long term repercussions on your relationship with him, but also may negatively affect the relationship he has with a sibling, who does face the same challenges if he is uninvited.

Unfortunately you booked a holiday that suited your needs but not his and this is on you but you are where you are.

I would say he needs to be included and you need to support him with the challenges he will need to overcome, travelling etc and accommodating him with some downtime when necessary.