To tell DS17 he shouldn’t come with us to Florida next year.

[Kickinthenostalgia]

as a family 4 we booked to go to America in April but I’m hugely regretting it now. Ds17 has asd and is somewhat getting harder and harder to deal with whilst out. He’s absolutely fine at home but whenever we go places it’s just so much aggro, he didnt fancy our caravan holiday so didn’t come with us this year and I feel guilty in saying this but it was so much better. No issues, no arguments, no meltdowns, no stepping on eggshells. We thought he’d really want to go to America and he was really excited, until he wasn’t but is still talking about going. He absolutely hates trump, keeps saying he’s not eating American food because it’s full of chemicals, he complained when we did our Estas, about them having all the information on him etc. I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to tell us in case we are mad about the money.

The last 2 days have been a nightmare for me and DP as well as my sister who’s bearing the brunt of it. as he’s currently over in Belgium with my sister and he’s barely left the hotel. I called him earlier to ask him if he’d like to come home early and he told me he didn’t feel safe and now my sister has said he hasn’t even gone for food this evening . I feel bad for her because she’s having to cut her holiday short( for which I’m reimbursing her) also she’s been doing everything solo which wasn’t was she thought she’d be doing.

I honestly don’t think he will manage in America as he’d most likely feel more unsafe over there. I also don’t want him ruining it for dd13. If we cancel the whole holiday it’s one not fair or DP or dd as they’ve never been, and we stand to lose a lot of money, where as if it’s just him then the hit won’t be too bad. I feel guilty as he’ll even thinking about this but I don’t want him distressed for 2 weeks because it will make everyone else feel awkward. But he absolutely loves rollercoasters and has been talking about the Florida ones for years. I want to sit him down and make all the points very clear. I’m really not sure what to do for the best 🙁

You have to talk to him when he's calm, and put it to him as a question that in no way comes over as you not wanting him, or making the decision for him.

Talk to him calmly about what it will be like and ask whether he will enjoy it.

I'd plan a bit more formally with him, to gain objectivity.

If this were a school/college trip, they wouldn't be able to just leave him behind unless all reasonable adjustments were in place and would still not keep him safe.
A risk assessment supports the process, helping to identify, assess and address the risks.
Identifying risks and addressing these, is part of helping him to become more independent in his adult life.

Is there anything available, to support your planning, from one of the charities for Autism?

ETA to add a starting point. www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/going-out-leisure-and-travel/holidays

Sullen sulky and difficult or a teenage boy struggling with ASD and mental health issues?

OP sometimse happy family holiday just doesn't fit the family.

I have an adult DS with MH difficulties and was very like your DS at this age.
He was extremely well aware that he was causing difficulties around family holidays, he felt very guilty, sad, self hating because he couldn't fit in or meet the expectations as he felt them.

People don't choose to have ASD or MH problems, and although that impacts the family, the sufferer can't just change themselves to have no anxiety, become neurotypical.
I feel very sorry for this young man. He probably feels quite wretched about the whole thing.

During my DS's teenage years we worked out ways of everyone enjoying some holiday time, but usually not together, and not in the traditional sense.
So my teenage daughter and I enjoyed some fantastic girly holidays in Greece, I took my son camping in the wilds, he and his father went to Budapest for a few days- both interested in the history there. OH and my daughter went to Silverstone for a few days to watch racing.

This teenage boy needs some compassion.

My autistic young adult, I suspect, would be difficult if travelling with an aunt to Belgium. Mine would be bored and uninterested.

@Landlubber2019 Maybe you should read Ops posts before commenting - she clearly says that there are only 4yrs between DS and his aunt (who must therefore be 21?) and they grew up together, sounds like they are more like siblings. Presumably he agreed to the Belgium trip, didn’t have to be taken there kicking and screaming?

I would not wait to January to talk to him properly. He keeps bringing upthe US trip since getting back from Belgium. He wants to talk about it. It’s weighing on his mind is my take. Reassure him he doesn’t have to go to US:

My dd has Autism and spoilt holidays for us and her brother (( who also has Autism )) for years.

Following a meltdown of epic proportions she didn't come away with us for years, I made the decision that one person doesn't get to decide how much enjoyment three other people are going to have........I started taking her away with us again a few years ago (( we go away a few times a year )) and after a shaky start where the behaviours started creeping in which immediately resulted in her not being invited on the next few trips things have markedly improved. This has benefitted dd as well as us.

So no. I wouldn't take him and I'll tell him why. He'll thank you for it one day !

I don’t think he should go.
I know, having a highly intelligent but very anxious DS (adult), and prob undiagnosed ASD it doesn’t take much for anxiety to spiral and not be able to do X, Y or Z.
He’s got valid points re Trump, crap food (and as another poster said food in Disneyland Paris was horrible) and data. I’d def be worried about behaviours at immigration. We went a few years ago and it was very intimidating - it’s probably worse now. I remember saying to DCs - just go with it - do what they say. DS’s anxiety wasn’t as bad then.

I have a blond haired, white skinned, "English rose" of a friend living in America at the moment who travels a lot both inside and outside the States. She is getting some serious hassle at times getting through border controls. I also have a friend who spent several days in a Canadian jail and ten thousand pounds in court fees and fines for joking at passport control (homeward bound) "I haven't got a bomb in there" as they thoroughly hand searched his suitcase.

I wouldn't travel to either of those countries with an adult or nearly adult who might blurt out something that would ruin the holiday for the entire family and could cost you a serious amount of money.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but as a parent of 2 autistic DC’s (older teens) I don’t understand why you would book a holiday to somewhere he obviously has anxiety over.

My eldest dd is similar, especially around politics and food. When she was younger we had some awful holidays where she refused to eat and refused to take part in any activities. Holidays were such hard work. We now plan them together, research the food available and we plan activities around her anxieties. She’s old enough that she doesn’t have to join in with everything so it’s pretty standard that for some things she stays behind on her own (though this rarely happens now). Holidays are now more enjoyable but it does mean we all have to make compromises on where we go and what activities we do.

It sounds like your Ds struggles being away from home, especially in busy places. He struggles with food and has anxiety over politics and different cultures? It sounds like he thinks it’s a good idea to go at first but then gets there and changes his mind? Maybe you need to remind him what happens when you get somewhere? Ask him if he really wants to go or if he feel safer staying at home?

That's literally not what the quote says

It sounds like it’s weighing on his mind so I would probably have the discussion now. He might find it a relief and the recent disastrous trip is a good catalyst for discussing. He can stay with your mum as you say and he might prefer some day trips to UK theme parks perhaps. You need to ask him.

My dd 22yrs is Audhd. We've been to Florida several times. She absolutely loves it so that definitely helps but she does have meltdowns whilst there at times. It's very hot, very busy and can be total sensory overload. She is now at an age where she takes herself off to a quiet place or an Uber back to the accommodation. Not before yelling at us all though.....but we're used to it and I know she doesn't mean it. At Disney she gets the DAS pass (it is very difficult to get now) and this is a lifesaver with reducing queue times massively and not having to stand in a line. All the parks have a similar system. In regard to the airports and immigration she has been ok but wears a sunflower lanyard just in case.
Her eating is very difficult at times but it's a case of just letting her get whatever she fancies without any criticism.
Speak to your son again. Listen to him carefully about his expectations and whether he can make it work. If you do all end up going you need to have a plan in place so he can leave parks if he needs to calmly. He will also need his own quiet place to rest. It's not a relaxing holiday for anyone! Good luck. If he loves coasters Sea World Universal Islands of Adventure and Busch Gardens are the best.

Oh God, I'm a 51 year old autistic and would have difficulty in restraining myself in this situation 🤐

TBH if he’s likely to start mouthing off about Trump or anything anti American in public, I wouldn’t take him anyway. If he’s likely did it at Immigration he’d probably be arrested.

She didn't say it was his first time abroad - she said it is the first time he's gone abroad without either parent.

He is with a 21yo who is like a sister to him.

Given the way their relationship is described, yes.