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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m ill I don’t want sex it won’t help

124 replies

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 12:50

Currently so poorly rundown and ill been off work sick.

husband constantly offering to give me a back rub or trying it on in general. I just want to wallow I certainly don’t want an orgasm which he thinks will help.

have had a cuddle etc but not having sex so today I’m getting the stroppy treatment. I can see why some people choose to live alone. What can I say kindly to make him see that sex is not on the cards but i still love him and I even told him I enjoyed the cuddle last night and all he could say was I bet you’re wet - how can he not read the room after decades together

OP posts:
gannett · 02/12/2025 17:38

Both the idea of having sex when I'm ill, or having sex with a man who is ill, are quite baffling to me. There's nothing less sexy than being full of snot.

BauhausOfEliott · 02/12/2025 17:43

Every time there's a thread like this loads of people reply and say 'I'm so glad I live alone' or 'I'm so pleased to be single'.

People really need to know that it isn't a binary choice between option a) living with a crass, inconsiderate sex pest and b) taking a vow of celibacy. By all means pick the latter option if you want to. But the vast majority of people in sexual relationships occupy the middle ground, which entails having sex when you feel like it, with a man who doesn't treat you like his Fleshlight.

patsypam · 02/12/2025 17:53

KindnessIsKey123 · 02/12/2025 14:01

This could have been me last week. Unfortunately, I’ve had a run of illness including UTIs, stomach problems and now the full-blown flu. I’m just at the end of it. When I came down with it on Tuesday lying in bed in the fetal position, my husband came up for I imagine getting in bed with me and then stropped about for the next 48 hours because I was very ill. He told me I was moping about. I was genuinely thinking, how much easier it would be to just be on your own and not to feel guilty for being poorly and not wanting sex. You have my sympathies.

You also deserve better. I hope you are starting to feel better again.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/12/2025 18:02

So many men are just utterly revolting humans.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/12/2025 18:04

He sounds like a complete creep. Why are you so worried about being 'kind' to someone who doesn't care about you?

Phase42 · 02/12/2025 18:04

Who are the 2% who think she is being unreasonable?!!!

Silverwinged · 02/12/2025 18:05

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 13:03

I actually think it might have clamped shut. I really don’t think this behaviour is normal. I’m worried even to have the suggested cuddle as it always ends up trying to be something more

Show quote history

You are married to a sex pest. What he is doing is bordering on assault, because you are not consenting. I'd say give yourself time to heal and then divorce this waste of space. At this point, living alone is a million times better than living with a man who tries to use you as a human sex toy.

SL2924 · 02/12/2025 18:27

He sounds utterly revolting.

TwistedWonder · 02/12/2025 18:35

Phase42 · 02/12/2025 18:04

Who are the 2% who think she is being unreasonable?!!!

Men and rape apologists

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/12/2025 18:50

Put you're being unreasonable simply because you're not taking the sexual harassment seriously enough.

Original poster
babasaclover · 02/12/2025 19:05

JHound · 02/12/2025 15:22

I honestly this is one of the downsides of relationships that I would struggle. Feeling pressured to have sex I don’t want.

I’m so disappointed in myself that I feel pressure when I’m an intelligent person and I know better

OP posts:
Original poster
babasaclover · 02/12/2025 19:09

BunnyLake · 02/12/2025 16:46

My ex was also one of those ‘grumpy sods’ till he had a shag then he was all sunshine and light.

He wasn’t violent or anything but the grumpiness and whining would really get me down. I felt such envy for couples who could be alone together during the day without the pressure of sex hanging over them. Just to be able sit on the sofa, read, watch tv in peace seemed like bliss. He would never have seen himself as a sex pest, to him he fancied me rotten and it was a compliment. 🤨 Now I live alone with no need for a partner, a date, sex, just no interest at all in any of it in real life (I can still fancy people from a distance, ie tv, but it’s never going to encroach on my real life again).

Show quote history

You’ve actually opened my eyes - I often do it during day when I get the chance as then I can go to sleep in peace. Shit what have I become.

he actually once said to me I should be grateful he still finds me so attractive after all these years

OP posts:
TheGrimSmile · 02/12/2025 19:11

Oh just tell him to fuck off! Slimy fuck.

AcademyFootball · 02/12/2025 19:12

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 12:56

I actually told him I feel repulsive don’t know why he is like this

He’s like this because his reptilian instinct tells him you are more vulnerable and more likely to give up/give in. If he badgers you enough then he’ll get what he wants.

He doesn’t care what you want- notice the the “I’ll bet you’re wet” comment Meaning “I’ll pretend to myself that you are wet so that I can persuade myself you want this.”

happysinglemama · 02/12/2025 19:22

One of many reasons I enjoy being single. Just gross.

usedtobeaylis · 02/12/2025 19:25

I hate men like this. I once had a boyfriend like that and it reached the point where every kiss or cuddle ended up with him trying it on and huffing because that would inevitably cause me to quite literally back away. It's gross and it destroys intimacy.

Hope you feel better soon OP and feel a bit stronger in telling him to fuck off.

abracadabra1980 · 02/12/2025 19:29

I ended both my marriages because of this type of behaviour. If its annoying you now God help you in 20 years time. My bet is you won't be together. And I've never been happier than when living alone. Just me and the dogs now. Bliss. Sorry, OP.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/12/2025 19:30

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 19:09

You’ve actually opened my eyes - I often do it during day when I get the chance as then I can go to sleep in peace. Shit what have I become.

he actually once said to me I should be grateful he still finds me so attractive after all these years

Show quote history

So make it sound like a chore and that is the telling thing. Probably worse that a chore as you sound like you dread it so get it out of the way so you can relax. Sex shouldn’t be like this.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 02/12/2025 19:32

Ugh that would give me the 'never touch me again' ick

AnonAnonmystery · 02/12/2025 19:48

Do you have children with him?

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/12/2025 19:51

Devilsmommy · 02/12/2025 13:00

Tell him that sex is literally the last thing you want when you're ill. And him getting all stroppy about it is not going to make you want sex with him when you're better. I mean ffs who thinks that someone who is feeling like shit is going to be in any kind of mood for sex. And the whole "you'll feel better for having an orgasm" is the worst kind of coercion I've heard. How the fuck your vagina hasn't clamped shut forever in protest at his grossness is baffling as fuck. I don't think you need to be kind, you need to tell him to stop being a dirty sex pest

How the fuck your vagina hasn't clamped shut forever in protest at his grossness is baffling as fuck

She didn't the fuck say it hasn't.

Friendlyfart · 02/12/2025 19:55

Def not normal. Your ill ffs.

TY78910 · 02/12/2025 20:10

My DH would jokingly build a pillow barrier in bed between us because he doesn’t want my lurgies, turn over and go to sleep.

Your DH is weird and the pressuring for sex, when well or unwell, is starting to wind me up. Too many threads on this recently. Where have these men come from?

Venturini · 02/12/2025 20:17

I would tell him ‘touch me again and I will cut your fucking dick off’.

I’m only half joking. Hell will freeze over before any man dares to treat me like that.

There is another life OP. Choose it.

BakedBeing · 02/12/2025 20:20

patsypam · 02/12/2025 13:00

Unless it’s new behaviour. I’d say because you allowed him to behave in that way for however long you’ve been together. Most women wouldn’t subscribe to that bullshit. It’s called boundaries. He clearly lacks them.

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No. It’s not her fault.