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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m ill I don’t want sex it won’t help

124 replies

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 12:50

Currently so poorly rundown and ill been off work sick.

husband constantly offering to give me a back rub or trying it on in general. I just want to wallow I certainly don’t want an orgasm which he thinks will help.

have had a cuddle etc but not having sex so today I’m getting the stroppy treatment. I can see why some people choose to live alone. What can I say kindly to make him see that sex is not on the cards but i still love him and I even told him I enjoyed the cuddle last night and all he could say was I bet you’re wet - how can he not read the room after decades together

OP posts:
Catpiece · 02/12/2025 15:08

Just…yuk. How immature and gross.

JHound · 02/12/2025 15:08

How long is the illness. Irrespective he is being childish but if you have been ill for a year that’s different to being ill for a few days.

MarymaryquiteC · 02/12/2025 15:12

You are being unreasonable to stay married to such an immature prick.

MarymaryquiteC · 02/12/2025 15:14

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 13:03

I actually think it might have clamped shut. I really don’t think this behaviour is normal. I’m worried even to have the suggested cuddle as it always ends up trying to be something more

Show quote history

It's certainly NOT NORMAL.

BunnyLake · 02/12/2025 15:20

Hedgehogx · 02/12/2025 14:32

I live a lone and its bliss.

Me too. Will never live with a man again (my sons being the exception). I feel freer and more at peace than I ever have living with a partner. I’m permanently single (a good ten years now) and don’t even want to date again.

JHound · 02/12/2025 15:22

I honestly this is one of the downsides of relationships that I would struggle. Feeling pressured to have sex I don’t want.

AquaForce · 02/12/2025 15:27

TwistedWonder · 02/12/2025 13:13

So many threads recently where men treat their partners as sex dolls who should be up for shagging on demand and the women always seem to find it hard to tell them absolutely no fuck off and leave me alone.

These men are creepy sex pests and trying to coerce you into sex is actually borderline sexual assault

Edited

It's worse than that TW.

Is OP is in the UK?

Having sex you don't want due to coercion, pressure or threats is rape under UK law. Giving in after being subjected to any of this is not considered to be consent.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/12/2025 16:03

JHound · 02/12/2025 15:08

How long is the illness. Irrespective he is being childish but if you have been ill for a year that’s different to being ill for a few days.

It’s even more inexcusable it the op has been long term sick. It would indicate a more serious illness and being pestered for sex in this situation is even more wrong and revolting.

I have said it on MN a few times before on similar posts - when I am ill my partner has no expectation of sex. His hugs are just hugs. Even when I am over the illness he waits for me to initiate. I am so thankful for this.

@babasaclover I hope you feel better soon and less harrassed. Do you have a spare room you could sleep in and send out a clear message to him?

unsync · 02/12/2025 16:29

You're married to a sex pest. He can read the room, he just doesn't care about your needs, his needs are the only ones that matter.

This can't be the first incident if you've been together decades.

glendabrownlow · 02/12/2025 16:35

My ex was a sex pest. I used to 'give in' to keep the peace, but it is a horrible way to live. As a PP said, why are you having to jolly him along and reassure him? He sounds dreadful. There are always choices, you do not have to live a life like this.

BunnyLake · 02/12/2025 16:38

AnonAnonmystery · 02/12/2025 16:03

It’s even more inexcusable it the op has been long term sick. It would indicate a more serious illness and being pestered for sex in this situation is even more wrong and revolting.

I have said it on MN a few times before on similar posts - when I am ill my partner has no expectation of sex. His hugs are just hugs. Even when I am over the illness he waits for me to initiate. I am so thankful for this.

@babasaclover I hope you feel better soon and less harrassed. Do you have a spare room you could sleep in and send out a clear message to him?

Show quote history

I mean who the heck wants to have sex with someone when they are ill? What kind of people are they 😡 (when I say people I really mean men because would a woman really want or pressure her partner for sex if he was ill, surely not).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:40

LemonLeaves · 02/12/2025 13:32

When I'm ill the last thing I am interested in, is having sex.

When you pester me for sex, it's a huge turn-off.

When you pester me for sex when you know I am ill, it's bloody infuriating and deeply unattractive.

When you have a big sulk it comes across that you feel you are entitled to sex even if I am unwell and not interested - and that makes me drier than the bloody Sahara.

What does make me interested in sex is
A) feeling well
B) not being pestered, and
C) feeling like I can have physical affection in our marriage without you constantly trying to turn it into a shag. The more you push and moan about it, the less I want it.

This is perfect

BunnyLake · 02/12/2025 16:46

glendabrownlow · 02/12/2025 16:35

My ex was a sex pest. I used to 'give in' to keep the peace, but it is a horrible way to live. As a PP said, why are you having to jolly him along and reassure him? He sounds dreadful. There are always choices, you do not have to live a life like this.

My ex was also one of those ‘grumpy sods’ till he had a shag then he was all sunshine and light.

He wasn’t violent or anything but the grumpiness and whining would really get me down. I felt such envy for couples who could be alone together during the day without the pressure of sex hanging over them. Just to be able sit on the sofa, read, watch tv in peace seemed like bliss. He would never have seen himself as a sex pest, to him he fancied me rotten and it was a compliment. 🤨 Now I live alone with no need for a partner, a date, sex, just no interest at all in any of it in real life (I can still fancy people from a distance, ie tv, but it’s never going to encroach on my real life again).

Diosmonet · 02/12/2025 16:49

Every day I spend on here, makes me so thankful that I am happily, and resolutely single.

He is a disgusting sex pest, hoping to take advantage of a worn down, energy depleted state - where you will easily give in.

He knows exactly what he is doing and he is vile.

Missj25 · 02/12/2025 17:00

Meadowfinch · 02/12/2025 13:20

Poor you 🙁Tell him bluntly that you feel awful and to sod off.

I went through a period of being exhausted, sleeping a lot. Ex did the same, hassling me and whining how he wasn't getting enough sex, to the point we split over it.

My family, who love me, persuaded me to go to a doctor - even my 13yo knew something was wrong, and they were right. After a year's treatment for breast cancer and three years on, I'm back to my normal perky self.

I ran into ex in town, who said I looked great. I explained I'd been ill, but was now recovered. He took that to mean he could come back. Err, no ! Not a chance. He had made it clear he only cared about one thing and it wasn't me.

Hey PP 👋..
I’m glad to hear you are well again 🙌 ☺️

crazeekat · 02/12/2025 17:01

He sounds fucking awful. Absolute creep. Sorry he has no respect for you. He gives me the total ick.

Missj25 · 02/12/2025 17:06

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 12:50

Currently so poorly rundown and ill been off work sick.

husband constantly offering to give me a back rub or trying it on in general. I just want to wallow I certainly don’t want an orgasm which he thinks will help.

have had a cuddle etc but not having sex so today I’m getting the stroppy treatment. I can see why some people choose to live alone. What can I say kindly to make him see that sex is not on the cards but i still love him and I even told him I enjoyed the cuddle last night and all he could say was I bet you’re wet - how can he not read the room after decades together

Sorry to hear you are Feeling poorly OP ..
I did laugh at the part where your husband said an orgasm will make you feel better 🙈 !

Lock the bedroom door , he can sleep on the couch , tell him to F OFF !

thestudio · 02/12/2025 17:09

203percent · 02/12/2025 13:56

Why do you have to say it kindly and fawn over him to make sure he's still loved?
He's not 5.

He's not in anyway being kind or loving to you by stropping off and pestering you when you say no thank you. Why does he deserve care and understanding & you dont?

That 'bet you're wet' comment is both rage and puke inducing. That's quite the skill.

Yes. Op, he doesn’t care if he’s still loved - he just needs reassurance that he’s still in control.

Pollqueen · 02/12/2025 17:14

Fuck off Nigel, I'm not feeling it

GreenCandleWax · 02/12/2025 17:15

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 12:56

I actually told him I feel repulsive don’t know why he is like this

He is like that because he is a selfish, entitled, insensitive clod whom you have somehow enabled by unreasonably tolerating him and his warped view of women and sex all these years. No wonder you are ill! When you are recovered, perhaps by telling him to use the spare room and leave you alone, you will be able to consider the future of your relationship!😟

GreenCandleWax · 02/12/2025 17:17

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:40

This is perfect

Show quote history

I wouldn't bother. If you have to explain this, what hope is there?

cantpullthetrigger · 02/12/2025 17:19

I cannot imagine tolerating even a casual relationship with someone as emotionally defective as this, never mind contemplate marrying them.

Have you considered that you do not have to put up with this bullshit?

I’m so angry on your behalf. He sounds like a tone deaf prick.

loganrock · 02/12/2025 17:30

Are there likely to be consequences for you OP, if you don’t give in? Either subtle or overt?

bridgetreilly · 02/12/2025 17:35

babasaclover · 02/12/2025 13:03

I actually think it might have clamped shut. I really don’t think this behaviour is normal. I’m worried even to have the suggested cuddle as it always ends up trying to be something more

Show quote history

Tell him he can sleep on the sofa until you are feeling better and the only reason you want to see him in the bedroom is if he is bringing you a cup of tea.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2025 17:38

bridgetreilly · 02/12/2025 17:35

Tell him he can sleep on the sofa until you are feeling better and the only reason you want to see him in the bedroom is if he is bringing you a cup of tea.

Show quote history

He can stay on the sofa till h finds somewhere else to live

He's utterly revolting