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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling drained by toxic in laws

97 replies

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:43

I’m struggling and could really use some perspective. My husband has effectively cut off his mother for over a year because her behaviour has become completely toxic. She has spread lies about him, kicked him out, disowned him, and frequently harasses him with unknown number phone calls and curses on special occasions to ruin our day. I’ve also been a target of her abuse- lies, rumours, and attempts to turn others against us. I don’t want to go into detail about it all, but the last time I saw her was the worst, most terrifying night of my life. I have been in therapy for months now after being diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot hear her voice or name without being triggered; even typing this post has me shaking.
What’s making things even more stressful now is my sister-in-law. She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent. This is due to my husband asking her repeatedly to stop bringing it up, so now she has resorted to indirect attacks.
It’s exhausting trying to navigate all of this, and I feel like some people don’t understand that cutting off family can sometimes be about protecting yourself from abuse. (Technically, his mother is the one who cut us off- she kicked us out, disowned him, and blocked us on everything before starting her smear campaign, which includes false allegations of physical abuse.)
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How do you cope?

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/12/2025 11:47

Not quite the same but yes.

This woman is living rent free in a penthouse in your mind - You need to evict her.

Go NC with mil and sil and block them everywhere.
If they persist in direct contact - report to the police.

She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent

If she's blocked you arent looking at this neither is your dh and it cant raise his blood pressure.

Move on with your lives you can never have a stable normal relationship with someone who gave you ptsd.

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:50

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/12/2025 11:47

Not quite the same but yes.

This woman is living rent free in a penthouse in your mind - You need to evict her.

Go NC with mil and sil and block them everywhere.
If they persist in direct contact - report to the police.

She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent

If she's blocked you arent looking at this neither is your dh and it cant raise his blood pressure.

Move on with your lives you can never have a stable normal relationship with someone who gave you ptsd.

Edited

We have a relationship with SIL and we wouldn't cut her off as DH is quite close to her and her kids unfortunately...

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 02/12/2025 11:50

How do you know what she is posting? You must follow her.
Easy to fix, block her.
Don't engage.

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:50

IwishIcouldconfess · 02/12/2025 11:50

How do you know what she is posting? You must follow her.
Easy to fix, block her.
Don't engage.

Please read my previous comment

OP posts:
Homegrownberries · 02/12/2025 11:51

Your SIL sounds like she's taken the role of flying monkey.

"Flying monkeys" is a psychological term for people who act on behalf of a narcissist to carry out their bidding, often by spreading gossip, attacking or manipulating others, or gathering information."

I suggest you come off social media.

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:54

Homegrownberries · 02/12/2025 11:51

Your SIL sounds like she's taken the role of flying monkey.

"Flying monkeys" is a psychological term for people who act on behalf of a narcissist to carry out their bidding, often by spreading gossip, attacking or manipulating others, or gathering information."

I suggest you come off social media.

I don’t see this as a solution for me. My SIL’s behaviour is the problem here, she’s the one posting to harass and manipulate, not me. Removing myself from social media wouldn’t stop her actions or make her accountable; it would just punish me for her choices.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/12/2025 11:56

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:50

We have a relationship with SIL and we wouldn't cut her off as DH is quite close to her and her kids unfortunately...

Then your DH needs a direct conversation with her and put in some boundaries.

He can have a perfectly good relationship with her without following her on social media.

I'm not being difficult here but you are asking what you can do...

The paths are fairly finite.

You can either accept SILs behaviour or try to change it.

She will either: listen (all good) or keep going. At which point you have a choice: to keep choosing this, go LC and see the kids Xmas and birthdays or you can go NC because your SIL cant respect a simple request

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 12:00

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:54

I don’t see this as a solution for me. My SIL’s behaviour is the problem here, she’s the one posting to harass and manipulate, not me. Removing myself from social media wouldn’t stop her actions or make her accountable; it would just punish me for her choices.

Hmmm

I was with you until this.

You said earlier 'It's exhausting having to navigate all this'.

So remove yourself from the drama by blocking her.

Just because your DH is happy to have a relationship with her, that absolutely doesn't mean you have to.

Butt yourself out and let him crack on if it's exhausting you.

Homegrownberries · 02/12/2025 12:14

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:54

I don’t see this as a solution for me. My SIL’s behaviour is the problem here, she’s the one posting to harass and manipulate, not me. Removing myself from social media wouldn’t stop her actions or make her accountable; it would just punish me for her choices.

You can't change her behaviour.

Your options are to live with it or remove yourself from the situations where you're being exposed to it.

ThirdStorm · 02/12/2025 12:19

We have a relationship with SIL and we wouldn't cut her off as DH is quite close to her and her kids unfortunately...

How can you be if she is harassing your DH?

whistlesandbells · 02/12/2025 12:26

Why don’t you just mute and block SIL’s posts so you are not involved? She won’t know you never see them. You’ll take back your peace.

IwishIcouldconfess · 02/12/2025 13:34

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:50

Please read my previous comment

How can you have a relationship with people who insult you?

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 13:51

IwishIcouldconfess · 02/12/2025 13:34

How can you have a relationship with people who insult you?

We don't have a relationship with the MIL we cut her off for insulting us. The sister in law simply keeps telling her brother to reach out to the mum.

OP posts:
Zempy · 02/12/2025 13:54

You don’t have to completely cut SIL out if you don’t want to. You just make her an acquaintance or whatever on SM so you don’t see what she posts.

If she’s pressuring DH face to face about his toxic mother then he needs to tell her to pack it in.

TheatricalLife · 02/12/2025 13:54

Just restrict or unfollow her on social media. You can stay "friends" but her posts won't appear unless you go looking for them. What you don't see can't bother you.
I had a very similar FIL (now dead) who used to try and goad DH into responding. We never ever did - not even once. We pretended he didn't exist, didn't bad mouth him to anyone, nothing. It's the best thing you can do.

IwishIcouldconfess · 02/12/2025 13:54

You said - What’s making things even more stressful now is my sister-in-law. She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent. This is due to my husband asking her repeatedly to stop bringing it up, so now she has resorted to indirect attacks.

How can you have a relationship with someone who treats you like that??

Sorry OP, you are allowing this to happen, block and move on!

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:01

Zempy · 02/12/2025 13:54

You don’t have to completely cut SIL out if you don’t want to. You just make her an acquaintance or whatever on SM so you don’t see what she posts.

If she’s pressuring DH face to face about his toxic mother then he needs to tell her to pack it in.

Yeah he has told her to stop bringing it up so that is why she has resorted to indirect posts on SM

OP posts:
CiderWithRosie1972 · 02/12/2025 14:02

'The sister in law simply keeps telling her brother to reach out to the mum.'

On social media - publicly? Rather than behaving like an adult, asking him once and then leaving the decision up to him.

Your SIL is no better than your MIL. In fact, she's possibly worse as she appears to be manipulating you into thinking that she cares!

Block the lot of them and be happy!

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2025 14:04

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:01

Yeah he has told her to stop bringing it up so that is why she has resorted to indirect posts on SM

Which you can ignore
Stop giving this woman any power over you

Ophy83 · 02/12/2025 14:07

He can be in contact with her without following her on social media - just tell him to mute her and communicate in person/via WhatsApp

Zempy · 02/12/2025 14:15

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:01

Yeah he has told her to stop bringing it up so that is why she has resorted to indirect posts on SM

So it’s very simple to resolve then.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 02/12/2025 14:25

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:01

Yeah he has told her to stop bringing it up so that is why she has resorted to indirect posts on SM

You either ignore your SIL or you ignore/block her posts, not sure what other options there are if you don't want to cut SIL off...

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:44

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 02/12/2025 14:25

You either ignore your SIL or you ignore/block her posts, not sure what other options there are if you don't want to cut SIL off...

My post was asking has anyone experienced something like this as I am struggling mentally... there is absolutely no need to be rude.

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 02/12/2025 14:47

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:44

My post was asking has anyone experienced something like this as I am struggling mentally... there is absolutely no need to be rude.

Nobody is being rude.
You're struggling, you're being given very good advice, but you're not taking it?

SapphOhNo · 02/12/2025 14:47

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 14:44

My post was asking has anyone experienced something like this as I am struggling mentally... there is absolutely no need to be rude.

You'll have people's sympathies OP but also frustrations if you're not prepared to do anything about it.