Feeling drained by toxic in laws

[emilyinlondonx]

I’m struggling and could really use some perspective. My husband has effectively cut off his mother for over a year because her behaviour has become completely toxic. She has spread lies about him, kicked him out, disowned him, and frequently harasses him with unknown number phone calls and curses on special occasions to ruin our day. I’ve also been a target of her abuse- lies, rumours, and attempts to turn others against us. I don’t want to go into detail about it all, but the last time I saw her was the worst, most terrifying night of my life. I have been in therapy for months now after being diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot hear her voice or name without being triggered; even typing this post has me shaking.
What’s making things even more stressful now is my sister-in-law. She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent. This is due to my husband asking her repeatedly to stop bringing it up, so now she has resorted to indirect attacks.
It’s exhausting trying to navigate all of this, and I feel like some people don’t understand that cutting off family can sometimes be about protecting yourself from abuse. (Technically, his mother is the one who cut us off- she kicked us out, disowned him, and blocked us on everything before starting her smear campaign, which includes false allegations of physical abuse.)
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How do you cope?

How do you cope?

You block your sister in law on all social media platforms and move on with your life.

Your husband can do what he wants.

Presumably you were both living with your husband's mum but have now moved out-that's good. You aren't under her roof so don't have to have anything to do with her.

Your post rather begs the question about why your husband wants to continue a relationship with his sister when she is being so awful!

I didn't mean to be rude, apologies if it came across as that. I was just being matter of fact about the options. I used to have toxic in-laws, so I do understand and sympathize. I realized through the experience that the only thing to do is to change myself i.e. my expectations/reactions and how much they affect me. Other people aren't really capable of much change, in my experience.

Honestly @emilyinlondonx - what do you think would fix this?

SIL stopping posting? Yeah great, but YOU can’t do anything about that, only she can do that.

so stop worrying about her, let her post what she likes, it is meaningless and 99% of people reading it will roll their eyes and think she’s a tosser.

block/ignore and focus on yourself, your family and those who love you.

It’s the only thing you CAN do.

The reality is that in situations liek this - and yes, lots of us have had similar (albeit not identical) experiences, part of the challenge is that the people you go No Contact with do not necessarily also go no contact with everyone else.

So you have to choose whether to go No Contact with those people too and frankly, if your SIL is pressuring you then it's all very well saying her and your Dh are close, but I'm afraid they'r enot. She's not respecting the decision that he has made, which also means she doesn't agree with it. So I don't reall yhave a lot of hope for his relationship with her in the long term.

in a situation where I could not, at that time, go no contact with the person, I muted them entirely on social media and also made it so that they couldn't see any o fmy posts (I couldn't unfriend them at that point as it would have caused bigger issues). I also largely avoided all family group chats etc that that person was in and did not contribute anything to those at all, choosing instead to set up smaller groups or individual conversations with other people if I had something I speciically wanted to share.

Years later, I have been able to block him completely and my peace is notable. DH, who hadn't blocked him (for understandable reasons), recently almost got sucked in all over again because people like this can't help themselves - they hvae to drop poisen and do their best to get you back into their sphere at all costs.

Sorry I should have been clearer. We were not living with her. She kicked us out when visiting and every time my DH would go over to try resolve, she would kick him out.
DH is extremely close to SIL's children. They are closer to him than their own dad. He would never jeopardise that

How can you continue a relationship with the children whilst the mother has no respect for you both?
You can't, simple.

Your sil has no respect for you or your husband.

DH is extremely close to SIL's children. They are closer to him than their own dad. He would never jeopardise that

If he wants to maintain that relationship with someone so toxic, that’s on him. He can make that choice and live with the consequences that brings which will basically be her doing and saying anything she likes to him, safe in the knowledge that because your husband likes her kids, he will just take it.

You can block her on social media and tell him not to tell you anything she says though.

Could you work on emotional detachment. My FIL is a v difficult man. I have found that cultivating emotional detachment about his behaviors has been very helpful.
DH had councelling for this too.
FIL ability to upset is is now much reduced. Boundaries are better. Life is calmer.
That’s how I have coped.

Exactly this. As all PP have said, you can’t change what she does (your DH can try one more conversion with her about it if he really must to ask her to stop doing it, but don’t be surprised if she won’t). But you can change your behaviour. Simply don’t read or follow her social media. If you don’t read what she posts, it can’t bother you. Don’t let her live rent free in your head.

I am not gonna tell DH to cut off his toddler nieces and nephews that he practically helped raise

Can you give me more info on this please?

Well in that case, if you're not changing the status quo and she will continue to disrespect you both and you will continue to let it bother you.

And you will continue to suffer.

If they are toddlers, he has hardly helped raise them.

Your options are to do something about it or not and find a way to deal with it.
There are no magic words that will change the situation and nobody is suggesting your H cut off these children he has raised to toddlerhood but what about YOU? What can you do to make your life easier?
I suggest blocking your SIL on SM and telling your H you have no interest in anything she has to say

Why has she alllowed this relationship to be so intense? Why isn’t their father as close?

beware relatives USING their kids as bait to lure their victims back in to give them/their families all manner of shit

family or not, toddler or pet rock, your H needs to set boundaries and you can set yours.

emotional detachment is exactly what you’re both need to practice. Just backing up a bit to protect your family unit

You have the power to snooze or block her on SM, why can't you do that? It's so simple.

How much has he helped raise these toddlers?! Presumably he doesn't live with them and they are still tiny?

Most toxic people only exist people they have enablers, like your SIL. If everyone called them out on their crap, they'd have no choice but to change their behavior!

I'm NC for many, many years from abusive parents. Many relatives have tried to pressure or guilt me back into it. It's shocking that no one would ever try to convince a woman to return a wifebeater but when it's your own parents, you are expected to ride it out for life!

I agree with everyone else and think your husband has no choice but to cut his sister off too if she can't be sympathetic to his decision or at least neutral. The only other solution is for your SIL to have enough desire to maintain her relationship with her brother to stop provoking him....and you sadly have no control over that.

They were separated and the father lived across the globe and had no relationship with them until a few months ago.

He did live with them until we got married. The father wasn’t in the picture.

Yes. Similar sort of situation. Massive smear campaigns on social media, we just let them crack on with it. Nobody even comments on their posts as they know its bullshit.

And now he is… time to step back and let those kids bond with their dad.

seriously, your H sense of Fear Obligation and Guilt will have been instilled by his toxic mother and it’s being enabled by the sister.

it doesn’t have to be slamming of doors and fuck yous, it needs to be a gentle distancing

Most people who read her posts , unless they are directly involved or it affects them in some way will not give a toss . I think you are worrying too much about what others think . If people mention these posts to you just say : Nothing to do with me , or pretend you know nothing about them . Detach and step away .

So you have chosen to marry a man from a toxic family.
He continues to be involved with his toxic sister.

Your life will forever be stressful and toxic because of who you married.

This is what happens when you choose badly.

Having children with him will just make your life even worse, but it reads as if that is what you have sadly signed up for.
There is no advice for someone who knowingly signs up for a toxic life with toxic people.

Good luck.

Weird.