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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling drained by toxic in laws

97 replies

emilyinlondonx · 02/12/2025 11:43

I’m struggling and could really use some perspective. My husband has effectively cut off his mother for over a year because her behaviour has become completely toxic. She has spread lies about him, kicked him out, disowned him, and frequently harasses him with unknown number phone calls and curses on special occasions to ruin our day. I’ve also been a target of her abuse- lies, rumours, and attempts to turn others against us. I don’t want to go into detail about it all, but the last time I saw her was the worst, most terrifying night of my life. I have been in therapy for months now after being diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot hear her voice or name without being triggered; even typing this post has me shaking.
What’s making things even more stressful now is my sister-in-law. She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent. This is due to my husband asking her repeatedly to stop bringing it up, so now she has resorted to indirect attacks.
It’s exhausting trying to navigate all of this, and I feel like some people don’t understand that cutting off family can sometimes be about protecting yourself from abuse. (Technically, his mother is the one who cut us off- she kicked us out, disowned him, and blocked us on everything before starting her smear campaign, which includes false allegations of physical abuse.)
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How do you cope?

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:21

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 09:54

How?

He lived with them and raised them - not they were all living in one house. Surely she had moved out and then moved back in to the mothers house.

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:22

Bambamhoohoo · 04/12/2025 11:06

OP is stressed and prickly and probably hoping for an impossible outcome suggestion that she hasn’t thought of yet. Some times when you’re vulnerable it’s hard to read advice from people who are not in the same place and it sounds dismissive and / or aggressive. I do get it. Not an excuse, but an explanation maybe.

How am I hoping for an impossible outcome when I have now said multiple times I appreciate the suggestions and have implemented two of them already. I am only annoyed at comments that are being rude or calling my husband toxic or saying I just want sympathy and not advice.

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:23

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 10:28

I cannot block her. I muted her. Done. Over.

I told one person to shut up because they were being extremely rude and were blaming my husband and calling him toxic.

Yes you can block her, you're choosing not to

Bambamhoohoo · 04/12/2025 11:23

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:22

How am I hoping for an impossible outcome when I have now said multiple times I appreciate the suggestions and have implemented two of them already. I am only annoyed at comments that are being rude or calling my husband toxic or saying I just want sympathy and not advice.

Because it’s natural to think there might be some other unthought of outcome that could make everything better- otherwise you would’ve just muted her yourself and not even posted.

It’s not as though you couldn’t have thought muting her up yourself, it’s really obvious!

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:30

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:23

Yes you can block her, you're choosing not to

I muted her so I wont see her posts or stories anymore. What is your point?

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:34

I cannot block her. I muted her. Done. Over.

You haven't said why you can't block her.

You are choosing not to.

I am asking why you cannot block her?

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:41

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:34

I cannot block her. I muted her. Done. Over.

You haven't said why you can't block her.

You are choosing not to.

I am asking why you cannot block her?

We have a relationship with her, I am not gonna block her and cause a huge issue. Muting her is sufficient for me. That's all.

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:43

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:41

We have a relationship with her, I am not gonna block her and cause a huge issue. Muting her is sufficient for me. That's all.

How can you have a relationship with someone who abuses you on social media? How?

Are your standards that low?

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:55

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 11:43

How can you have a relationship with someone who abuses you on social media? How?

Are your standards that low?

She posts indirects about the situation. I am not even close to her. She's just my SIL. I keep my distance. I am not going to block her and cause an issue, like I said. I don't care if my husband has a relationship with her or not and I have muted her so she can post her indirects now all she wants. The indirects are videos of how you shouldn't cut off your mother etc. that is not her 'abusing me'? It is just to annoy me and my husband. How can you say my standards are that low when we have fully cut contact with his mother and his other sister? Why are you so butthurt that I am not blocking her lol.

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 12:01

Butthurt?? Really - are you as immature as that in real life?

You say you want to maintain a relationship, but then you say you aren't close?

I am very confused if I am honest.

You come across as very immature if I am honest.

LoveWine123 · 04/12/2025 12:05

Butthurt…🤣 I think OP has lost every well meaning poster at this stage…

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 12:06

I think they are all as bad as each other if I am honest.

Spanglemum02 · 04/12/2025 12:12

Sometimes it's better to mute, rather than block, abusive people as they can't react to being blocked.

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 12:43

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 12:01

Butthurt?? Really - are you as immature as that in real life?

You say you want to maintain a relationship, but then you say you aren't close?

I am very confused if I am honest.

You come across as very immature if I am honest.

You can have a relationship with someone but keep your distance??

OP posts:
emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 12:43

Spanglemum02 · 04/12/2025 12:12

Sometimes it's better to mute, rather than block, abusive people as they can't react to being blocked.

EXACTLY! THANK YOU

OP posts:
Millytante · 04/12/2025 13:14

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 11:55

She posts indirects about the situation. I am not even close to her. She's just my SIL. I keep my distance. I am not going to block her and cause an issue, like I said. I don't care if my husband has a relationship with her or not and I have muted her so she can post her indirects now all she wants. The indirects are videos of how you shouldn't cut off your mother etc. that is not her 'abusing me'? It is just to annoy me and my husband. How can you say my standards are that low when we have fully cut contact with his mother and his other sister? Why are you so butthurt that I am not blocking her lol.

Jaysus, “butthurt”?! Blimey.
You all sound like a gang of teenagers, eager to read ill intent into other people’s remarks so that you have a flouncing or pouting opportunity. Drama llamas.

Rise above it all, if you want any peace of mind. So what if SIL makes posts you dislike.
Just make sure you don’t do the same, as revenge. If you reckon everybody is wrong, it’s a bad idea to seek to join them at their level.

Myself, I think you must either block her or learn to ignore the posts.
Bitterly chewing over some post you feel has had a go at you will just give you crow’s feet and a pain in your liver!

silkysoft · 04/12/2025 13:31

It’s not as though you couldn’t have thought muting her up yourself, it’s really obvious!

Exactly- OP needed an entire thread for this? and when multiple people suggest it, she calls them rude 🤣

No wonder there are family rifts.

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 14:11

silkysoft · 04/12/2025 13:31

It’s not as though you couldn’t have thought muting her up yourself, it’s really obvious!

Exactly- OP needed an entire thread for this? and when multiple people suggest it, she calls them rude 🤣

No wonder there are family rifts.

I am allowed to post and ask for advice if I want.

OP posts:
Sabrinatheblue · 04/12/2025 14:13

Theres only so much you can do about someone else's behaviour. In your shoes I would:

  • Mute the SIL, and look into grey rock style techniques you and your DH can use when she tries to goad a reaction or chip away at his boundaries
  • Look into therapy for your DH, it sounds like a significant amount of his familial relationships are toxic and something has shifted considerably in recent years. Its worth him getting extra support in understanding and dealing with that
  • Fully block the mil, and if she finds new ways to harass and abuse you then report to the police

You also say that your DH has had to cut off several family members because of their treatment of you. Its worth trying to get to the reason for their issues with you, not because its necessarily justified, but to help consider how to respond.

TidyCyan · 04/12/2025 14:17

But she won't know you have muted her. She would know if you blocked her though, so that might stop the posts? I'm not sure if you don't want to see them, or want her to stop so nobody does.

emilyinlondonx · 04/12/2025 15:22

Sabrinatheblue · 04/12/2025 14:13

Theres only so much you can do about someone else's behaviour. In your shoes I would:

  • Mute the SIL, and look into grey rock style techniques you and your DH can use when she tries to goad a reaction or chip away at his boundaries
  • Look into therapy for your DH, it sounds like a significant amount of his familial relationships are toxic and something has shifted considerably in recent years. Its worth him getting extra support in understanding and dealing with that
  • Fully block the mil, and if she finds new ways to harass and abuse you then report to the police

You also say that your DH has had to cut off several family members because of their treatment of you. Its worth trying to get to the reason for their issues with you, not because its necessarily justified, but to help consider how to respond.

Edited

Yes you are right and I always try to convince him to go to therapy but he's not keen on it unfortunately. My MIL is fully blocked on all platforms! She just calls DH on unknown numbers occasionally to harass...
MIL got married a few months after me and DH did, and her marriage lasted barely a month. She went mad after that and got super competitive with me, bullying me, spreading lies about me, and got super weird with my husband, accusing him of beating her up etc for attention. She even went as far as faking cancer.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/12/2025 06:04

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/12/2025 12:01

Butthurt?? Really - are you as immature as that in real life?

You say you want to maintain a relationship, but then you say you aren't close?

I am very confused if I am honest.

You come across as very immature if I am honest.

And you are being deliberately goady, combative and confrontational towards OP. It's totally unnecessary for you to keep digging at her. You are obviously trying to upset her for some reason.

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