Feeling drained by toxic in laws

[emilyinlondonx]

I’m struggling and could really use some perspective. My husband has effectively cut off his mother for over a year because her behaviour has become completely toxic. She has spread lies about him, kicked him out, disowned him, and frequently harasses him with unknown number phone calls and curses on special occasions to ruin our day. I’ve also been a target of her abuse- lies, rumours, and attempts to turn others against us. I don’t want to go into detail about it all, but the last time I saw her was the worst, most terrifying night of my life. I have been in therapy for months now after being diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot hear her voice or name without being triggered; even typing this post has me shaking.
What’s making things even more stressful now is my sister-in-law. She seems to think it’s her job to “teach him a lesson” and keeps posting passive-aggressive stories and comments online about how “wrong” it is to cut off a parent. This is due to my husband asking her repeatedly to stop bringing it up, so now she has resorted to indirect attacks.
It’s exhausting trying to navigate all of this, and I feel like some people don’t understand that cutting off family can sometimes be about protecting yourself from abuse. (Technically, his mother is the one who cut us off- she kicked us out, disowned him, and blocked us on everything before starting her smear campaign, which includes false allegations of physical abuse.)
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How do you cope?

Oh shut up. He cut off his mother and his other sister because of their treatment of me. He argues with this sister all the time and has threatened to cut her off if she doesn't stop talking about the mum. Don't you make this about my amazing DH.
Also his mother was perfectly normal before we got married. She started losing it when she got married and then shortly after got a divorce which was after we were already married. I did not choose wrong, nor was my husband a bad choice. I chose a man who always puts me first and fights with everyone to protect me. Stop projecting.

They all lived with the mother. DH had not moved out yet and she was a single mother who needed support and help. What exactly is weird?

You worded it as if he moved in with her.

Anyone in this family actually speaking to each other?

Why do you keep viewing something on social media which makes you feel bad? You cant control what another person does or says but you can certainly stop subjecting yourself to it. You don't have to block her or do anything to impact the relationship, just hide her on social media.

I dont think the OP actually wants advice. I think maybe her ignoring the very good advice given multiple times to block or mute the SIL on social media is the only logical outcome. OP clearly doesn't want to do this - why though? Why does SM have such a hold? I've muted family members for far less. People are giving advice, its what youve asked for, you're ignoring it, being confrontational about ignoring it, arguing with people with very little reason. There's a simple solution, you keep ignoring it....so I dont think you came on here cos you actually wanted help or advice, I think you came on to family bash and were looking for people to say 'oh how awful" blah blah blah for the sympathy or whatever...but not for a logical solution

He cut off his mother and one sister. Yes he speaks to the entire rest of his family.

I am not ignoring the advice. I have literally taken the advice and muted her and also archived the family group chat to distance myself from her.

How?

Exactly this - you can block her on social media, you dont have to come off social media entirely to avoid her.

I am sorry but I find your attitude a bit odd- you say how upset this is making you which is entirely understandable given your OP but then you keep looking and reading what she writes online. Why?

She isn't going to change and you cant control someone else's behaviour but you can control your reaction to it so block her, or mute her so her stuff doesnt come up in your feed.

If you wont do that then thats something you need to reflect upon because at this point, you are doing this to yourself

What? I don't actively go looking, I have her on social media so I see it while I scroll.... if you read the thread you would see that I said I have taken on the advice of commenters and have muted her now.

Well if she's turning up in your feed and you are reading her posts which you must be if you know what they are all saying then that is actively looking and reading isnt it?

I dont know why you didnt mute her or block her months ago 🤷‍♀️

You seem very hostile to people suggesting sensible ways to avoid getting upset by her and I find it interesting why this might be....

How is it actively looking when you are scrolling and her posts pop up while you are scrolling??? How do I seem hostile when I have taken the advice I received. I have both muted her and archived the family group chat. Don't know why you are attacking me.

I understand why you think this, I really do. But in the long term having social media isn’t the hill to die on. You can’t get away from it unless you block and delete your own social media.

imagine in a years time- you could still be anxious checking her posts and getting triggered, or that situation could be completely irrelevant to your life. Which would you chose?!

I am not "attacking" you. If you think that then now I am wondering how you are interpreting social media comments. I am merely wondering why you havent blocked this person who is upsetting you before now.

You are the one telling people to shut up, telling people they are rude, being defensive etc...

I cannot block her. I muted her. Done. Over.

I told one person to shut up because they were being extremely rude and were blaming my husband and calling him toxic.

I cannot block her. I muted her. Done. Over.

Great! then your problem is solved isnt it? you no longer have to view her online rants.

I get it more now OP- you and H haven’t been together very long if he lived with his sister while she had children that are still toddlers?

I’ve had an exhausting 25 years with toxic in-laws. At first I was more like you, desperate for justice and for someone to do the right thing and realise how mean and unreasonable they were. I agonised over it, made myself ill over it

the Relationship has been up and down but I feel very experienced in dealing with it.

the truth is the only thing that works is boundaries. Strict, consistent boundaries. Allow them to do whatever want once you’ve communicated your boundaries- that’s their decision. Recognise that their response is based on learning what’s easy, and what works best for them. Sometimes it’s based on getting maximum attention for themselves. Recognise it and then ignore it.

SIL is now muted so problem solved. But you have PTSD so you need to protect yourself. What are the other risk factors that might trigger you? Plan for them now rather than when it’s too late

Yes exactly. So that is why I don't know why you're still going...

Thank you for the advice, sorry you've gone through it for 25 years!

Being rude and saying things you don't want to hear such as the poster did one page one is not the same thing.

Regarding the social media - surely if your husband unfollows her she will stop as the passive aggressive posts will have no receiver.

Wow. You are coming across as really hostile and rude OP.

OP is stressed and prickly and probably hoping for an impossible outcome suggestion that she hasn’t thought of yet. Some times when you’re vulnerable it’s hard to read advice from people who are not in the same place and it sounds dismissive and / or aggressive. I do get it. Not an excuse, but an explanation maybe.

My husband doesn't even do social media. She's posting for me to see.

Haha ok