To stop driving because I’ve got The Fear

[AlwaysSunshine1]

I’m looking for some perspective on something that’s been ongoing for a while. I passed my driving test about 18 months ago after a lot of lessons, and I’m a decent driver. I’ve handled difficult situations fine, passed on my second attempt (and was told I was very close on my first). The problem isn’t my ability — it’s the anxiety around it.

The anticipation of driving can make me feel wound up for days before I need to get in the car, and that spills over into the rest of my week. Once I’m actually driving I’m OK, but the build-up is horrible.

I’ve tried to tackle it through CBT, hypnotherapy and a specific phobia course. They’ve all helped in understanding the fear, but not in removing it.

A year ago I bought my own car, thinking that might help, rather than sharing one with my DP. Right now I manage one school pick-up a week and very little beyond that. My partner does most of the driving — he’s supportive and doesn’t pressure me — and I make sure things are balanced in other areas. Still, it would obviously be helpful if I felt able to drive more.

I spoke to my GP who suggested I get a bus pass! He said we can review things in January, possibly looking at anti-anxiety medication if needed.

I can’t justify the cost of running a car I barely use. At the same time, I’d like the freedom that comes with driving and to take some pressure off my partner. But the constant anticipation anxiety is making me miserable and nothing seems to be shifting it.

AIBU to stop driving completely? Or is it worth pushing on even though 18 months later, I’m still in the same place? I’d love to hear from anyone who has overcome driving fear and how they managed it!

Are you anxious in other areas of life? My sister started sertraline and it hugely improved her anxiety about driving (as well as other aspects).

I used to feel incredibly anxious about motorway driving. The stress beforehand would be horrible. Like you though, the actual drive was usually fine but I’d almost always get my husband to drive if it was an option.

Then he had an unexpected seizure and lost his licence for a year - I had no choice but to take on all the long drives. It cured me of my motorway phobia!

Could you challenge yourself to some bigger drives, week by week? It’s all about experience - the more you drive, the more your confidence grows.

I passed my test at 50, because I left London and now live remotely and need to drive.
I was doing really well, big roundabouts and small duel carriageways (I can’t believe that I used to do that), and then COVID came along.

I now can’t even drive into town or further due to anxiety about driving and only do the local shops.

I am confident in all areas of life, no MH issues previously. It’s just driving.

I am considering doing one of the courses you have mentioned.

Sounds like you need more regular exposure - try a ten minute drive every day?

At the point I passed my test I was anxious in other areas of my life, but I’ve made a lot of positive changes since then. Overall my anxiety has reduced, just not in relation to driving. I’m glad your sister saw an improvement!

Keep going ! Look up defensive driving.

this is what I was go8ng to say. If the anticipation is worse than the drive, just go out regularly.

I hated driving and would get very anxious about it when I first passed my test. It only changed when I had my son and was forced to drive much more often that it improved. Eventually I just stopped thinking about it.
Can you drive somewhere - anywhere - every day? Just somewhere local, to try and break that build up of dread?

I wish I could manage that, but even reading this makes me want to cry!

No, you drive more often, so that you get used to driving and stop being anxious about it.
Imagine in years to come when your kid says "Mum, why don't you drive?" and you say "Because I was scared"? What message does that send them? If there's something that bothers you, just give up...... I don't think you want to be that person.

Start driving every day, and it will soon become just a normal, routine thing.
(Plus, why would you want to waste all that money on lessons and a car?).

Are you perimenopausal? Many of my friends have said they have developed driving anxiety during this time. I appreciate yours is also connected to recently passing but could that be a factor. Hormonal invoice adding to anxiety maybe?

You have to drive every single day.

start with just round the block, then go for a couple of miles and build it up so it’s as natural as walking.

you can do this.

I am the same, I can drive around the local area happily but feel I could never drive somewhere far away I didn’t know.
I have been getting better lately after a split with H as he would usually do this driving.
I do think it gets easier tho with time, just keep at it and as someone else said push yourself a little at a time and see how you go.
Not sure if it will help you but it helps me, i have my phone on directions of where I’m going so if I get lost I know it will reroute me and this helps calm me if there were to be any unexpected roadworks, etc 😅

I think if the anxiety is affecting your life that much, then it would be sensible to try medication, especially as you have tried the usual practical therapies - well done! 💐💝 Perhaps you need a more supportive GP!

Unfortunately the only way you will get over your anxiety is to face it. Perhaps aim to do a short drive every day. To start with sitting in the car in the driver’s seat for a couple of minutes without the pressure of driving anywhere. Sing along to a favourite song or do a breathing exercise or meditation to get you through it. As this gets easier, which it will, stay a little longer, then when coping with that, drive for a minute. Gradually increase the driving distance. You have said that once you are driving it is ok, so you can do it! And give yourself a little reward for getting in the car. Think of all the amazing places you will be able to go when you are confident driving!

Good luck, you’ve got this!

I agree with all those saying drive more. No doubt you learned from your CBT that avoidance is the big friend of anxiety. Why not plan a really quiet circular route of a mile or less and drive it twice a day until it bores you then add another slightly different short route and build up slowly BUT always driving twice a day - exposure is everything and it’s the only way you will find out you’re fine and can cope with driving.

You definitely have to drive more. You say when you are driving it’s ok - so you need to tell your nervous system that it doesn’t need to fire up in anticipation of driving. The way to do that is repeatedly show your nervous system there is nothing to fear. Drive daily. Face the fear head on. Running from it, feeds it. Start with one or two minutes a day if you can’t face more, then build up from there, but make yourself get in a car and drive everyday.

Also work on the fear itself whenever it starts up. Tell yourself firmly but kindly that all these feelings are are a faulty misfire of your nervous system, do not allow your thoughts to run away with themselves in response to the feelings, keep reminding yourself this is just your nervous system response. If your thoughts start to run, bring your head back again to “this is just my nervous system misfiring” Then take steps to calm your nervous system down in a physical sense by, for example, walking, deep slow breathing and/or box breathing. There are other methods of these don’t work for you.

Good luck.

I sympathise with this so much. I only drive certain local routes after a horrible crash caused by a speeding driver. I take propanolol an hour before - the GP says it’s safe to drive with it in my system. It’s limited my life so much.

Thank you for all the advice and for saying I can do it - it’s really reassuring to read those words!

I’ve been driving for 25 years but in the last few years I’ve become quite anxious about driving even though I have never had anxiety before. I hate going to new places where I don’t know the roads and I avoid going at busy times when there’s a lot of traffic in the town. I don’t drive a lot nowadays but I wouldn’t stop driving altogether because I need to go places and need to get about but I don’t really like it. Sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten how to drive the car while I’m actually driving it.
I think it’s perimenopause linked as I’m 50 and also to a few times where I skidded on ice which shook me.

I’ve also had CBT and they said exposure, no safety behaviours. Would dash cameras help?

I've been driving for nearly 30 years and since Covid, when I hardly drove for 3 years, I get really anxious about it.

I've realised though that it's the thought of driving that bothers me not doing the actual driving as you obviously need to concentrate on what your doing once you're in the car.

Pretty sure I was born with anxiety and being a lady of a certain age, I'm struggling to keep as tight a lid on it nowadays.

If you really hate it that much though, just give it up, plenty people go their whole life without learning how to drive. Get the bus/taxi instead.

Your best option, by far, is to drive more. Much more. Just get in the car & go, it doesn’t matter where. Drive round the block, get home, get out of the car, have a cup of tea. Then do it again. And again. And again. Next, drive to the supermarket. Then, do it again. And again. Then to a supermarket further away. Then onto the by pass. Then to the next town. And so on, working your way up.

Every time you do it, it will become more routine until eventually the routine overwhelms your anxiety. Just do it.

I can absolutely promise you, the best way to get rid of the anxiety is to drive more frequently.

I was the same when I first passed my test- I still caught the bus to work. My hands would shake I was so nervous. More driving solved it but what really helped was doing pass plus with an instructor. I don’t know if that’s still a thing but having an instructor going over motorways, busy town centers really helped.

I agree with others that the problem at the moment is that you are driving so little that every drive you do becomes a massive event. You need to drive more frequently so that driving becomes a normal part of your life rather than each drive being a big event. I do sympathise. I can get anxious in advance about a drive that is out of my comfort zone. But not being able to drive will really restrict your life. Your partner may not always be available to drive when needed.