To stop driving because I’ve got The Fear

[AlwaysSunshine1]

I’m looking for some perspective on something that’s been ongoing for a while. I passed my driving test about 18 months ago after a lot of lessons, and I’m a decent driver. I’ve handled difficult situations fine, passed on my second attempt (and was told I was very close on my first). The problem isn’t my ability — it’s the anxiety around it.

The anticipation of driving can make me feel wound up for days before I need to get in the car, and that spills over into the rest of my week. Once I’m actually driving I’m OK, but the build-up is horrible.

I’ve tried to tackle it through CBT, hypnotherapy and a specific phobia course. They’ve all helped in understanding the fear, but not in removing it.

A year ago I bought my own car, thinking that might help, rather than sharing one with my DP. Right now I manage one school pick-up a week and very little beyond that. My partner does most of the driving — he’s supportive and doesn’t pressure me — and I make sure things are balanced in other areas. Still, it would obviously be helpful if I felt able to drive more.

I spoke to my GP who suggested I get a bus pass! He said we can review things in January, possibly looking at anti-anxiety medication if needed.

I can’t justify the cost of running a car I barely use. At the same time, I’d like the freedom that comes with driving and to take some pressure off my partner. But the constant anticipation anxiety is making me miserable and nothing seems to be shifting it.

AIBU to stop driving completely? Or is it worth pushing on even though 18 months later, I’m still in the same place? I’d love to hear from anyone who has overcome driving fear and how they managed it!

It doesn’t have to be a long drive. Round the block. Up the road to the nearest roundabout and back. But do it every day.

If you were anxious at the time you passed your test, you probably associate driving with that anxiety. I passed my test first time 20+ years ago and started to get panicky years about driving years later during an extremely anxious time at work + perimenopause. It sounds as though you want to drive or you wouldn’t keep the car.

Can you afford to get your driving instructor to take you out again? This is what I did after I passed my test. It really helped to have someone I trusted to sit with me for a few extra lessons until I felt more confident. Also only do really short trips to start off with. Sit in your car until the anxiety passes, then go home. When you are ready, turn the engine on and sit with it running until the anxiety passes, then go home. When you are ready, drive to the end of the road. Know that's as far as you will go and when you get there you will turn back. Gradually build up in really small steps. If you try to go too far while you are anxious you are telling your brain that it has a reason to protect you and it will respond with anxiety. Good luck OP, I have been there and I'm glad to hear your general anxiety has lessened - this can too - but with baby steps.

I'm a nervous driver but my life would be so small and difficult that I have persisted and am so much more confident driving now, although I will never love it. Do you drive an automatic? I passed in a manual but have been driving an automatic now for years which I find so much easier, I could never go back to a manual now.

I also had some driving lessons to help with my confidence a few years ago as I was panicking driving on the motorway, that helped and I got a few tips. Maybe say to your husband that you would like to do more of the driving to gain confidence, I have to do that as can easily let my husband do most of the driving. Good luck.

I suggest to an IAM course https://www.iamroadsmart.com/courses-services/for-individuals/advanced-driver-iam0077/ They're individual lessons so tailored to your needs. Also Rescue Remedy (pastilles are good). And keep driving regularly. Every day if you can.

Another voice saying much more driving is the best answer. I used to be very anxious about driving and a lot of practice definitely helped.

Bless you! I’ve had exactly the same thing in the past couple of years. I think I’ve got a hold of it now. Out of nowhere I overly went faint at the wheel we were on our way on holiday and I later realised it was a panic attack. I’ve been driving for nearly 30 years. Passed at 17 third try so nothing out of ordinary. It came out of nowhere and lasted around 6 months. I finally started driving reg again a year ago. I started a new career and driving is essential. I had no idea what happened but the ne who would go for a quick drive if I was stressed or going through something was absolutely debilitated.
I think as youre relatively new to it, try and get on an advanced drivers course. Also don’t stop because it only makes getting back into it harder. It takes a lot of strength. Also, say the mantra ‘I am a good driver, I am safe’ Apparently, you have to talk in positive terms or the brain doesn’t believe you. (I can’t remember exactly why).

I’m a driving instructor who works with nervous drivers, I work alongside a CBT therapist too.

A lot of anxiety can be helped by further driver education. For example,, somebody may feel out of control when it comes to new places. We’d work on navigating skills. Someone else may hate dual carriageways or motorways. That can often be observational skills not quite up to scratch.

Defensive driving techniques are also good, as it makes you more in control in relation to other drivers.

If you’re anywhere near Kent message me!

I would suggest you make yourself drive twice a day for 6 months and see how you feel at the end of that. Doesn't have to be long drives, though probably shouldn't be the same journey every single time.

But - you've tried quite a lot of things already, so if any of those included a fairly long stint of ensuring you drive a lot and didn't have a positive impact, then maybe don't!

Driving is a hugely useful skill most places in the UK, so I do think it's worth trying what you can, but I can see why you might feel you've done everything reasonable. It's a lot resources to sink into a problem that seems intractable.

^This. You sound like a good driver and you’re fine when you get in the car. You just need to do more driving and embrace it (rather than avoiding it) as the anxiety will really build up where there’s a long gap between drives.

I agree with trying to get out every day.

I used to be really anxious too but pushing myself to do more and go further built my confidence.

I'm the same, I avoided driving for years. Unfortunately my job and where I moved to made it a necessity, the first month of daily driving was awful. I was awake all night, in tears, felt constantly sick. But with forcing myself to get in the car regardless it has eased. I can sleep at night again, and there is nowhere near the level of anxiety. I do park far away, or end up walking further so I can maneuvers in quieter spots, or i get to work early to time it away from busy times.

If you get rid of your car you'd likely never drive again and your anxiety won't minimise likely just increase. I found whenever I back out one day, then next rhe anxiety buildup was back threefold.

You can do it mate. I was very anxious as a learner / new driver. I used to get physical anxiety symptoms and I’d do things like park miles from where I needed to be and walk the rest of the way because I felt so anxious. But over time, the more I drove the easier I found it. Put quiet classical music on when you’re in the car. Practice deep breathing exercises when at traffic lights etc. I love driving now.

Go for a ten minute drive every day. DH is housebound now and unless I drive nothing would get done. So big grocery shop, runs to the tip, meeting a friend at a garden centre for coffee, visiting my elderly father. I value my driving second only to reading. When you are going out with DH drive one way, he drives back. I drive all sorts of places I never would have managed two years ago.

I’m afraid it’s what you need to do though. At the moment it sounds like you’re building yourself up to and panicking about one school run a week. Regular exposure is the only way to get over this.

Aw OP I’m exactly the same! I learned in my 30s as I was scared of driving even as a teen. I was forced to drive for work, and I can drive when I have to, but avoid it at all (walking for miles) costs. This has meant my battery has gone dead twice in two months from underuse. I need the car for emergencies and for when I work so have to keep it. I haven’t gotten therapy but talked it over with chat got a lot (I know, tsk tsk, but I can’t afford to pay for a human). Anyway, it helped in pointing out that, like you, I’m fine when I’m driving, but the anticipation of driving is my biggest problem. Something about the cognitive shift between normal me and driver me. It suggested a sort of exposure therapy—getting in the car and switching on the engine, maybe driving around the block, often. So that I get more used to the transition. I haven’t actually done it yet but it helped even to name the issue. I’m a good, safe driver, very rulesy. Weirdly it calms me to pretend I’m doing my test again, because I love being very methodical about every element.

anyway, I’d say don’t give up. You must have overcome a huge fear hurdle just learning to drive. Be proud of that. And recognise in yourself that every time you drive you are not letting your fears control you, which is a real accomplishment.

My husband is similar to you. He is not a natural driver. He can manage a supermarket, a gym and a doctors. He knows the routes. Anything further and his anxiety is too bad. I live with it. It's a pain, but it is what it is. He has had time on anti anxiety meds but it didn't improve the driving issue - although to be fair that wasn't an objective.
Not everyone needs to drive. Although life is easier when you do.

My friend was like this and she ended up not driving for years and sold her car etc.
Then she realised that she really needed to drive to get to a new job and so she forced herself to do a little journey every day and eventually it just became normal.
I think you need to drive every day to get over this. Maybe have 3 or 4 routes that you know well and make yourself drive one a day.

YABU and here’s why.

Two of my aunts never learned to drive.

Ones husband went into a care home with dementia and now despite being sprightly and on the ball she’s pretty much stuck with waiting for one of her sons to take her places. Yes she could use the bus but at 78 how would she lug her shopping home on the bus?

The other aunt moved to the country with her husband. He passed away at 67 years old and left her pretty much isolated in a rural house with no means of independent transportation.

You need the autonomy and the freedom that driving gives. I’ll echo what others have said about facing the fear. You don’t need medication you need exposure therapy. Start with 5 minutes around your neighbourhood every day and build up. You can do it!!

Don't give up driving and don't give up your car. That would just cement the anxiety for ever more, and you will look back on it as a decision to narrow your life.

But don't push yourself at all to drive more than you are managing at the moment. You have been battling this for a long time. Stop battling and say to yourself "I'm just going to stick with the school run that I have managed successfully for a while now. Nothing more." Mean it.

That will hopefully take some of the tension out of the situation and you can start to associate driving with this modest but very real success. If and when you feel like you want to, add in a tiny bit extra - drive another quarter of a mile to the post box or the co-op. But only if that feels good and relaxed to you in the moment.

That way, you will keep the skills and tolerance that you do have and leave your future open

I inherited the fear from my neurotic mother when I passed test many many years ago. You just have to do do it and keep doing it until it’s fine.

I got over it very very quickly when I was forced to drive central London for work. I love to drive now honestly, I’d look forward to a long distance drive.

If your dh had to stop for medical reasons for example, you’d have no choice, I think that’s the issue here. There’s effectively a choice.
lean into your anxiety and just do it.

you absolutely can do it Good luck

When I first passed my test I was confident but cautious. I later moved to a new area (100 miles away) and had a baby. My driving anxiety after both was horrendous.
I let it go on for too long really. I would feel ill for days before and would only drive to places that I felt confident enough I could handle, that I had visited before.
The only thing that curbed the anxiety was to drive twice a week to somewhere i had never been before. All reasonably short distances, but literally just picked a place on Google maps, put the postcode in the sat nav and set off.
It has made it a lot easier. I still feel a little bit of anxiety but not to the point that I feel ill. I still go out once a week to a random place to stop me becoming complacent. It is really hard to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but I really recommend it.

Don't think about it but drive today, then drive tomorrow, and the day after.

Do not lose this skill because no one knows what tomorrow brings. You might need it .

I hate driving but I have to drive 35/40mins to work every day. Because it's the same journey I'm used to it. I'm fine now going places I know but terrified driving anywhere new.

Agree with everyone - you’ve done the hardest part now so it’s just getting driving into your routine. I don’t like driving but it’s a necessity so I do it. I have noticed my anxiety creeping back up lately so it’s interesting that others have noticed this at my age.

if you don’t do it regularly you will lose the ability to do it at all and you don’t know what’s around the corner for you. You might become the only driver one day and it would be a shame to have that be complicated after you’ve gone through all you’ve already done.

Absolutely do not stop driving - that's a behavioural vicious cycle that reinforces anxiety and will make it worse long term.

Firstly, what I would do is this exercise daily:

1. Find a calm, quiet space and get into a relaxed meditative state. Take long slow deep breaths until you feel at peace. Now, gently in your mind imagine yourself in your car, behind the wheel and driving. See everything exactly as it would be as if you were driving. Your driving is perfect. Everything is calm and non eventful. Imagine yourself driving somewhere you need to go and feel so happy that the drive was scenic and lovely. Feel everything in your senses, the feeling of the steering wheel, the sun shining warmly through the windows etc Do this exercise over and over and over again until you feel thoroughly bored of it or at least can get to feeling neutral about it- or maybe its even enjoyable. Our subconscious minds cannot differentiate between what is imagined and what is real. All is well.
2. Take the car out for just 10 mins in real life.

You can do this OP, you have built this up in your mind to be this huge thing. It isnt. There is nothing to fear. You just need to create a new feeling that you associate with driving.