To stop driving because I’ve got The Fear

[AlwaysSunshine1]

I’m looking for some perspective on something that’s been ongoing for a while. I passed my driving test about 18 months ago after a lot of lessons, and I’m a decent driver. I’ve handled difficult situations fine, passed on my second attempt (and was told I was very close on my first). The problem isn’t my ability — it’s the anxiety around it.

The anticipation of driving can make me feel wound up for days before I need to get in the car, and that spills over into the rest of my week. Once I’m actually driving I’m OK, but the build-up is horrible.

I’ve tried to tackle it through CBT, hypnotherapy and a specific phobia course. They’ve all helped in understanding the fear, but not in removing it.

A year ago I bought my own car, thinking that might help, rather than sharing one with my DP. Right now I manage one school pick-up a week and very little beyond that. My partner does most of the driving — he’s supportive and doesn’t pressure me — and I make sure things are balanced in other areas. Still, it would obviously be helpful if I felt able to drive more.

I spoke to my GP who suggested I get a bus pass! He said we can review things in January, possibly looking at anti-anxiety medication if needed.

I can’t justify the cost of running a car I barely use. At the same time, I’d like the freedom that comes with driving and to take some pressure off my partner. But the constant anticipation anxiety is making me miserable and nothing seems to be shifting it.

AIBU to stop driving completely? Or is it worth pushing on even though 18 months later, I’m still in the same place? I’d love to hear from anyone who has overcome driving fear and how they managed it!

I had this. Passed when I was 17 but started developing anxiety around driving in my early 30s and was completely phobic by about the age of 35 - couldn't even get in a car with someone else.

Pretty sure what had happened with me is that I'd taken a big bunch of other anxieties and put them all in the basket called 'driving' so that I could try and remain functional in other areas of my life. It was pretty limiting.

Anyway, fast forward 15 years and I started weekly f2f therapy. It was (is) helpful. But it's not CBT and I'll probably never be out of therapy. Turns out those 'anxieties' are really quite deep seated trauma and my phobia of driving (that had been a feature of my life for decades by this point) was a complicated self-protection mechanism. On the good news front, after a couple of years in therapy I could drive again. I then decided to take that further and learned how to ride big girl motorbikes. I basically out feared my own fear. Very empowering. Can happily go on high speed road trips now.

The thing about phobias is that they're not reasonable. CBT tries to work with internal logics. That's not always possible for people who are unaware of the underlying dynamics - like me. It takes time, but things do change.

My DH had horrific anxiety about driving after he passed his test. He'd get out the car covered in sweat from the anxiety.

The only cure was exposure. Once DD went to school he had to drive twice a day, everyday. And now he's absolutely fine. He wouldn't want to do motorway driving or a route he's unfamiliar with but for general everyday driving he's good.

@AlwaysSunshine1
I was the same when I first passed my test, 30 yrs ago, to the point where I drove everywhere in a loop.
It sounds ridiculous but I was afraid of turning right across oncoming traffic so I turned left and went everywhere in a loop but I only drove in my local area!

Practice is what you need, the less you drive the bigger the issue becomes in your mind.

Have you thought about taking an advanced driving course, this could give you a bit more confidence?

Or a few more lessons with your driving instructor to build your confidence?

How I combatted my fear was to drive every day, short trips and I'd tell myself that if I got overwhelmed I'd pull over, regroup then set off again when I'm ready, this worked for me.

I still don't like motorways but I can avoid them.

A few years ago I had to drive 5.5 hrs home from Scotland after a family wedding because DP had drunk too much as said wedding 🙄
It was absolutely nerve wracking when I set off but after an hour I got, not quite comfortable, more confident.

Anyway, practice, that's what you need, push through your fear, don't let The Fear win, driving opens up a whole new world of freedoms.

Remember there's plenty of us out there who feel/have felt the same, you're not alone.

Good luck ❤️

As pp have said the only thing that really works is regular exposure. There really does come a point where you get in a car without even thinking about it if you just keep plodding on.

I passed my test second time round in London.Then got The Fear and didn’t drive for years and years. Like about 30! Even when we moved to a rural area. Even when it massively inconvenienced me. Even when I missed so much time raking my kids to things. I just had The Fear and terrible anxiety.

Then I got divorced. My daughter said she wouldn’t stay at my house if I didn’t drive her to school. I did a few refresher lessons with a v chilled out instructor. In my car. And I did it! And a few months later drove from the Cotswolds to Yorkshire. Early in the morning. I was so pumped.

That was almost 4 yrs ago. Now I drive everyday. I don’t love driving at night or in bad weather and (new) DH does long distance.

The only solution to The Fear is driving everyday in my opinion.

Good luck OP!

Drive more

Normalise it

By doing all the driving your partner thinks he's helping but he's not.

If it becomes a normal part of your routine it'll be easier

I would really consider the anti anxiety meds. Also I also would make sure you get out and drive every day.

Are you able to identify the underlying fear beneath the anxiety? It might not be possible, because it may not be logical or rational (ie the definition of a phobia!).

Exposure therapy can work well, but must be completed under the guidance of someone suitably trained in doing so. Is that something you could afford to look into. Assuming you want to overcome this, that is. There are plenty of people out there who cannot or choose not to drive.

The only way to get over car fear is to get behind the wheel, stop trying to avoid. When you have to do everyday you quickly adapt.

Try driving more. Don’t just drive when you feel you have to…just jump in and go for a drive. The more you do it the more it will feel like a more natural experience.

Take more courses.

Defensively driving is fantastic. It helped me completely channel my anxiety and heightened awareness into useful observation. I have a running commentary in my head of all the potential risks, which isn’t unlike anxiety but without the chaos and you’re in control.

If I see a cyclist in the distance on the far side of the road, I’m considering the speed of on oncoming vehicles, judging the likelihood of one swinging out into my path. Also noticing the pedestrian on their phone, that could step in my path, etc. But instead of feeling jittery and overwhelmed, I’m just adjusting to the road conditions.

I highly recommend it.

(And follow it up with a skidding session when you’re ready for another challenge).

This is me …
I have been driving for 30 years and I still feel like this as I’ve gotten older there are places i just don’t drive to. I have many family members who tried to embarrass shame and ridicule me into driving because as pp’s have said you will get over it.
Not everyone does !
unless you have the anxiety to that extent it’s not easy to comprehend.
I don’t know your full story but myself I discovered after yrs of pushing myself I have no sense of direction ( to the extreme) I can go several short routes in my town but to go to the nearest city 20 mins away I do not remember any routes nor can I recognise roads as a passenger I never know where I and get lost even on foot constantly.
Also my anxiety is more about other people driving as I am a very competent driver but not knowing other people next moves leaves me in a constant state of fight or flight .
I have spoken with counsellors on this and they agree it’s “a thing” .
Also my DS who was an amazing driver passed her test first time and bought a brand new car and she tried for 6mths and never drove again that was 30 yrs ago.
My advice don’t give up but accept you may need to just do those little short journeys everyday it really helps. Don’t be embarrassed about it I now celebrate the achievement of passing my test in the first place and hanging in there . Good luck OP

Definitely keep trying! Other apps suggestions to drive a little every day are good. Go to an industrial
estate/big car park with your husband when businesses are closed to practice too.
milk play it forward for you - my mother in law is 70 and has never learnt to drive and doesn’t have a husband to driver her around. She is so sweet and asks for nothing off anyone, but her lack of driving means she has to inconvenience people when it’s her absolute worst thing ever. Please try to overcome this so you can be independent for you and your kids.

Therefore you start by just sitting in the car on the drive and build up from there. The more you do it, the less the fear.

I have had issues with fear of driving since perimenopause and covid made matters worse as I hardly went out. Got rid of my car and I now have less and less exposure. I got to the stage where I couldn’t go anywhere and I became totally dependent on DH. I am now starting with exposure and trying again as my life had contracted so much. Please don’t become me.

Do you get actual ‘anxiety’ when driving?

I got this and like you, it meant I’d worry about a trip beforehand, tried everything to make it stop.

I couldn’t understand where it came from, not being anxious in general at all. But it became pretty overwhelming.

Anyway, it turns out my ‘anxiety’ was a form of vertigo I got while driving..busy roads set it off,

You can check if you’ve got it here pretty easily, but it feels like anxiety and I got it specifically when driving on busy roads where there is high sensory load.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=jBzID5nVQjk

@AlwaysSunshine1 like you I am a late driver and only passed 8 years ago . I think the key to this is driving much more frequently. If I have a weekend off because husband is ferrying me I feel nervous getting back behind the wheel. I think as a very new driver you have to be doing multiple small journeys a day. Even if all you’re doing is going to a local supermarket car park, and driving round it a few times, it’ll boost your confidence.

Edited to remove duplication

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment, give encouragement and advice. I really appreciate it all!

I feel your pain @AlwaysSunshine1.
I haven't driven for a year after the anxiety completely took over. Even the thought of sitting in the driving seat makes me want to be sick & thats before you add the OCD of constantly wondering if I'd gone through a red light or hit something/one.
I'm lucky to live somewhere with v good transport links & I walk everywhere. I realise there may come a time when I need to drive but my anxiety is sooooo much better now I dont have to think about driving & im much happier.
Its all well & good for people to say just get out & do it but when even a small/ short journey causes extrene tremendous anxiety you have to think if it's worth it.
Sorry OP, no help to you whatsoever but I honestly understand!

This was me OP, I used to vomit before driving, I’d not sleep, I would agonise over the route. When I actually drove I was nervous but fine, never unsafe.

I forced myself to drive every single day. It had to become a normal thing. I would hate it, and then I would hate it less, and then local journeys were ok, but big ones were not, and on it went, slowly getting better. (I also always use a satnav, which gives me comfort and reassurance)

I now have driven the length of the UK solo, I’ve drive to Spain, I’ve even driven on the M25 (my biggest fear). I’m never going to love driving, it’s not my passion, but it’s all ok.

You could get there too, but you have to work at it and the best way is to just drive.

p.s I used to tell myself that bravery is having something really scare you and doing it anyway. What you’re doing is really brave

Not driving but I went through a stage with riding my horse
the thought of even getting on would have me in tears. So I started with getting on, getting off, done
then walking a circle, getting off
i basically bored myself that much I would do something and think “that was a bit rubbish, I will try that again”
eventually the fear totally went and people were genuinely shocked by how brave I got

i kept telling myself courage is just fear holding on a minute longer and that I could do anything for just 60 more seconds

my friend had watched me in tears at the thought of riding and then saw me getting on with no saddle and cantering off and was “er WTF?!”

Yeah I feel like necessity will force the fear out of you xx

Little and often. Do it every day and thrn the anxiety doesn't get a chance to build up.

Don’t give up and don’t be too hard on yourself. If I were you I’d have a few refresher lessons with your old driving instructor. Try not to over think it since you’ve already done the difficult bit (passing the test)

Good w

Hello @AlwaysSunshine1 I am a hypnotherapist and ahve worked with people who have a very stubborn fear of driving that takes a bit more thinking about than usual. One approach that i have taken that has seemed to help is to break the act of driving down into small manageable tasks that you work on bit by bit, as a form of systematic desensitisation.

Perhaps the first task is simply to sit in the car with the engine off, maybe take a cup of tea with you and listen to the radio, work on feeling comfortable with that. when you have got used to this and the thought of sitting there gets easier you might put the keys in the ignition, then turn the engine on etc. as you do each of these you could do some relaxation exercises or listen to some soothing music, anything to help you to start to associate sitting in the car with being calm instead of anxious, knowing that you do not have to do more than the task you have set yourself. You take it at your own pace, don't rush it, and only do what you are happy to do.

When you feel ready to start driving you could narrate your driving out loud, help you to hear that you know what to do as you drive along. It may feel silly but hearing yourself say 'I am going to change gears here, check my mirror before I signal' etc may help to reinforce that you do know how to drive and you can drive well, and that you are in control rather than your anxiety being in control.