Page 20 | To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

Mrsnothingthanks · 2025-12-01T22:00:47+00:00

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids! Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 15:02

@LoyalMember Not at all - I just strongly disagree with some of these beliefs!

OP posts:

myglowupera · 04/12/2025 15:03

GovernmentFundedSteak · 04/12/2025 14:56

If they lived with you there wouldn't be maintenance to pay. It would just be the usual day to day costs of having a child.

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I know exactly and that wouldn’t be a problem.

InterIgnis · 04/12/2025 15:21

inappropriateraspberry · 04/12/2025 07:20

You become responsible for each others children when you become one family, that includes finances! What a mean way to look at things.

Well, no. A stepparent can choose to, but they are by no means required to.

Pikles · 04/12/2025 15:24

IDidntSayThatSorry · 04/12/2025 14:03

My mother had no money as she was a stay at home mother so my stepfather was financially responsible for me.im grateful he was - yes it probably should have been my deadbeat Dad

Actually to be fair, it should have been both parents - so your mum didn't quite step up there either except that she managed to find someone else who was willing to do so.

Edited

This is a tale as old as time. Man remarries to have a housekeeper, for sex and to care for him and his children; woman remarries to have financial provider, for her and her children.

It’s pretty archaic but whatever works for you I guess.

BlossomOfOrange · 04/12/2025 15:27

are there nuances to the question? For example, is it ok for kids in the same blended family to have Christmas presents of different values, or not go on ‘family’ holidays because one set of biological parents earns more than the other? I’d say no, and that’s where some financial responsibility comes in. That equity was not experienced by children of a blended family I know, they are parents themselves now and have a toxic relationship to money and their financial responsibility in the household.

gamerchick · 04/12/2025 15:50

LoyalMember · 04/12/2025 14:45

The OP's trying far, far too hard. It's as if she's trying to convince herself.

Well since the OP thinks that her exs wife should pay for her kids if her ex suddenly can't, I don't really know what she's trying to convince herself of.

IDidntSayThatSorry · 04/12/2025 16:36

Pikles · 04/12/2025 15:24

This is a tale as old as time. Man remarries to have a housekeeper, for sex and to care for him and his children; woman remarries to have financial provider, for her and her children.

It’s pretty archaic but whatever works for you I guess.

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Yes, fair trade I suppose. It obviously works for the many men and women in those situations. Otherwise, they'd leave.

badgerbee · 04/12/2025 16:38

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 14:12

You sound stiflingly strait laced and stuffy.

I just thought smug when I read that.

I'm not even sure why, if she thinks she has everything sussed out to a "t", she is even here provoking discussion of what the ins and outs should be. Most people do it to explore the issue. I keep sniffing a "reverse" aspect in it all...

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I keep sniffing undercover man pretending to convince women that their children are separate from the family they have with them. Like look this “woman” has it right.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 16:46

badgerbee · 04/12/2025 16:38

I keep sniffing undercover man pretending to convince women that their children are separate from the family they have with them. Like look this “woman” has it right.

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Uh huh (nods)

GovernmentFundedSteak · 04/12/2025 16:53

BlossomOfOrange · 04/12/2025 15:27

are there nuances to the question? For example, is it ok for kids in the same blended family to have Christmas presents of different values, or not go on ‘family’ holidays because one set of biological parents earns more than the other? I’d say no, and that’s where some financial responsibility comes in. That equity was not experienced by children of a blended family I know, they are parents themselves now and have a toxic relationship to money and their financial responsibility in the household.

This happened to my DC. Their dad and step mum didn't take them on "family" holidays, and they got less for birthdays and Christmas than her DC and their joint DC. Apparently it was because my DC also got things from me and went on holiday with me so it wasn't fair that they would have had more overall. Which isn't how they see it at all.
They are NC with their dad et al.

LaDamaDeElche · 04/12/2025 17:02

It’s totally up to the individuals involved and their dynamic. Some step parents want to be involved financially, some don’t. Some want to be involved in running the kids around and doing things a “parent” would do, and some don’t. I don’t think anyone is holding a gun to anyone’s head and forcing them to financially contribute towards a child who isn’t theirs. They would do so because they want to. I’m not married, so DP isn’t “officially” a stepdad, but he’s been in my DDs life for 10 years, so she thinks of him as one. He pays for more than I do household wise and for holidays etc, as he earns more, so we pay proportionally, so in that sense he is paying for DD as the costs are split as a whole, not between him and me, then me paying for DDs percentage of a holiday, or food shop etc. He gives me money towards her birthday and Christmas presents and would be quite hurt if I said no. He would just give it to her anyways even if I didn’t accept it. She’s off on a school trip which was quite expensive, which I paid for, but he transferred money to me as he wanted to contribute towards it. Her dad isn’t an equal coparent and contributes nothing, but even if he did, DP wants to and chooses to contribute. He loves DD and she loves him. He’s been in her life since she was 5. My step dad was the same.

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:20

@Calliopespa It's strange - I've heard this before - because a feminist who sees feminism as true equality "must be a man." Do women feel threatened by true equality? Maybe. But I'm in not the "feminism when it suits me" brigade and I make no apologies for it. I am a woman who is equally as a capable as a man at - in this instance of debate - providing financially for my own biological children. Do I take pride in that? Yes. Do I want or need a provider for either myself or my children? No. Women fought long and hard for us to have the freedoms that we are afforded today.

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 17:33

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:20

@Calliopespa It's strange - I've heard this before - because a feminist who sees feminism as true equality "must be a man." Do women feel threatened by true equality? Maybe. But I'm in not the "feminism when it suits me" brigade and I make no apologies for it. I am a woman who is equally as a capable as a man at - in this instance of debate - providing financially for my own biological children. Do I take pride in that? Yes. Do I want or need a provider for either myself or my children? No. Women fought long and hard for us to have the freedoms that we are afforded today.

Edited

It was nothing to do with your feminism.

FWIW I think women who truly feel comfortable about the idea of equality don't make such a thing of it.

It was the determination to shake free any financial entanglement with a partner's children from another relationship - and I'm not limited in my mind to the idea of a man. I think it's equally - or more - possible that a woman sloughing off a dh's dc would sound very similar.

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:38

@Calliopespa Yes, of course I'm a man - I'll let my husband know. He will be baffled as he delivered our daughter 😀

OP posts:

Lmnop22 · 04/12/2025 17:45

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:20

@Calliopespa It's strange - I've heard this before - because a feminist who sees feminism as true equality "must be a man." Do women feel threatened by true equality? Maybe. But I'm in not the "feminism when it suits me" brigade and I make no apologies for it. I am a woman who is equally as a capable as a man at - in this instance of debate - providing financially for my own biological children. Do I take pride in that? Yes. Do I want or need a provider for either myself or my children? No. Women fought long and hard for us to have the freedoms that we are afforded today.

Edited

I would feel the same way about taking responsibility for any step children you take on through marriage in every way - emotionally and financially - if two women with children were married or two men with children were married.

This is not a feminism debate but one about how much responsibility one ought to take for children that aren’t biologically theirs when they marry the children’s parent. In my view, homes and beds and finances and children and everything else becomes shared when you commit to someone else in a marriage - you disagree and that’s fine but don’t reframe those of us who don’t agree with you as being anti feminist

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:49

@Lmnop22 Fair enough. But over half of the voters on here agree that I'm not BU so we will agree to disagree.

OP posts:

Owlmoonstar · 04/12/2025 17:53

This is such a weird thread.

Did you make this thread for the purpose of martyring yourself for not allowing your husband to help financially support your kids?

Or did you do it to make women who depend on their husband's to help financially support their kids feel bad?

Why would you even care what other people do in these situations? If you're so happy in your set up, then... Just get in with it?

Bizarre. Anyone else getting a weird ick vibe from this thread?

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:58

@Owlmoonstar With respect, nobody is forcing you to comment.

OP posts:

Owlmoonstar · 04/12/2025 18:00

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:58

@Owlmoonstar With respect, nobody is forcing you to comment.

Nope. But I do feel the need to voice my 'ick'

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 18:01

@Owlmoonstar OK.

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 18:06

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 17:38

@Calliopespa Yes, of course I'm a man - I'll let my husband know. He will be baffled as he delivered our daughter 😀

You are not reading/dodging the real content of the posts. I just explained I am not necessarily suggesting you are a man.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 18:08

Owlmoonstar · 04/12/2025 17:53

This is such a weird thread.

Did you make this thread for the purpose of martyring yourself for not allowing your husband to help financially support your kids?

Or did you do it to make women who depend on their husband's to help financially support their kids feel bad?

Why would you even care what other people do in these situations? If you're so happy in your set up, then... Just get in with it?

Bizarre. Anyone else getting a weird ick vibe from this thread?

Yup. This is exactly why i get reverse vibes.

I think this is about her DH's dc.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 18:09

Lmnop22 · 04/12/2025 17:45

I would feel the same way about taking responsibility for any step children you take on through marriage in every way - emotionally and financially - if two women with children were married or two men with children were married.

This is not a feminism debate but one about how much responsibility one ought to take for children that aren’t biologically theirs when they marry the children’s parent. In my view, homes and beds and finances and children and everything else becomes shared when you commit to someone else in a marriage - you disagree and that’s fine but don’t reframe those of us who don’t agree with you as being anti feminist

Edited

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Agreed. Op is trying to change the field of engagement by making it about feminism or whether or not she is a man.

Original poster

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 18:09

@Calliopespa My DH doesn't have any bio children except our shared daughter! 😀

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 18:12

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 18:09

@Calliopespa My DH doesn't have any bio children except our shared daughter! 😀

So you have said.

OP there is no logical motivation for this thread if you are simply a woman whose dh is delightedly happy you "don't want" him to pay for your dc.

Unless as @Owlmoonstar has said you just want to stomp over other people's business.