To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

Yours do. I would hazard a guess you would be thinking differently if your kids dad refused to stump up and you were on your own.

That's something I usually only hear coming from blokes.

This

Fully agree, OP. I pay my own way and always have. And I pay for my DD with no input from my ex, her father. And will continue to do so.

I'm all for separate finances. I would absolutely never pay for any stepkids, and wouldn't subsidise another adult, be it holidays/whatever. If you can't afford holidays, you don't go. I certainly wouldn't pay for my partner or his (hypothetical) brood who aren't mine. I date adults and expect them to support themselves and their offspring.

So I don't see why it should be different for men. And why should they pay for an adult woman or someone else's kids.

@gamerchick I'd be interested to know (genuinely) from those posters who feel it is a stepfather's duty to "provide" then... I assume they also feel it is the duty of any stepmother?
I am definitely not a bloke; I am very much for equality.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your friend’s boyfriend’s stance, except that he should probably have higher standards for himself and date someone on a similar financial footing. If your friend can’t afford to take her kids on holiday, why is she expecting someone unrelated to them to do so?

From the occasional posts on here expecting a new wife’s income to be considered for maintenance assessments, probably.

You are very set in your views op.

@Calliopespa I am, I admit. Staunch feminist (in the true equality camp - not the "feminism when it suits me" brigade).

I knew a couple who did not marry until the children had left education for this very reason.

You're looking at things in a very black and white way OP.

We are all one accident or illness way from not being able to work. Not all couples split and tip up as an absent parent. Your ex could end up not being able to provide for his kids. You could end up not being able to provide for your kids.

Do you then show your husband the door saying it's not fair on him and you should split?

Life has a way of kicking us in the nuts OP. The only way the responsibility of step kids can't happen, is if you don't enter into a relationship with someone who has them.

Complicated situations require an ability to be responsive to nuance.

I'm glad you feel you have your own circumstances sorted to your satisfaction, but I'm not quite sure why you are attempting a crusade of blanket application to the circumstances of others.

@gamerchick Changes in unexpected circumstances of course can change things. But that doesn't explain the assumption of many that a step-parent must automatically provide financially for stepchildren, regardless of anything else? Almost like they equate good step-parent = provider but often failing to support their own bio children financially themselves?

It really depends. It's better for the children if their biological parents cover all their main expenses, so there's no need for the step parent to contribute unless they actually want to. In reality, the step parent would have to be quite petty and tight to not end up spending any of their own money on their step children.

I also think it's pretty awful in blended families when there's a big disparity in how much is spent on different children, depending on who their biological parents are. This is, however, the reality of life for many. The whole blended family thing is quite often a mess for everyone involved.

A few step parents I've had contact with don't even like their step children. That plays a role in the mess too. If you're expected to support a step child even beyond adulthood in some cases, who is not very gracious or likeable, or is lazy, that's a super difficult position to be in as well.

Step parents can't really win unless they are extremely self-sacrificing.
Parents probably often feel torn between what's best for their children and what's best for their partner.
Step children have a really rough time of it if they don't feel welcome and treated equally in their home(s).

She doesn’t. Does her business PT. It’s a long story but I don’t know what to tell her. I kind of see the guy’s point but then if they start living together then I don’t know, it’s too complicated. It feels that he either takes her and the kids (kids are well supported by the fathers with 50/50 split) or not get involved with her

@TheEveningSun So if the kids are 50/50 and well supported by fathers (two kids, two different dads?) then it isn't down to her partner to pay for their holidays?

Your views don't come across as cherry picking though. They're rigid. Which means if you or your ex couldn't support your kids anymore then your husband shouldn't have to.

You can't go into this sort of arrangement with rigid views. The chance of financially supporting step children is always there whether you like it or not.

If you marry someone who absolutely agrees with your stance, then you may find yourself vulnerable. It's not the sort of chance I would be happy in taking.

@gamerchick Perhaps ex's wife could contribute if he couldn't? Would that be reasonable?

Well they holiday with their fathers (yes 2 kids 2 dads) but obviously can’t do a holiday with her unless paid by her current partner. Her exs wont pay for that and they shouldn’t. I know it’s down to the choices she’s made but it means if they have a child together she’d be able to holiday only with the current partners child, not the others. It’s a shit show but by the rule your post is about - that’s the way it should be.

@TheEveningSun The solution would be to work more hours so she can afford to pay her way. If she's getting maintenance from both fathers, can't she use this for holiday funds?
And does she really want 3 kids by three different dads? Each to their own I suppose.but if she's struggling to pay for two as it is...

Apparently she’s unable to work more hours, doesn’t get maintenance as it’s 50/50. Obviously 3rd child would be a crazy idea but I don’t control her life. Current children have significantly different lifestyles due to the fathers being one rich one not so much. I guess she should give up dating because “no step parent should be paying for stepchildren”, sounds great in principle but in reality rather unachievable. If you blend families there will alway be one that contributes more financially.

I said everyone I know, I also said that I know some do work full time. I just don’t personally don’t any who do. It wasn’t a judgement at all, it was a fact from my experience.

I have 2 children from previous relationship, my DP is not financially responsible for them.

If you've worked out a relationship with your partner that they are financially respopnsible, and that they are happy with that then I definitely would not impose my world view on you, you can live your life as you choose, I would resist you forcing your life choices on me and my family though.

I’m a step parent. I wouldn’t say that I’m financially responsible for my stepchildren, but I certainly feed them, take them on holidays and buy them gifts. I love them and would never deny them anything they need.

No.