To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

I think it’s situational tbh.
if you’ve been together for years and years, since the children were young and they call someone a stepparent over their mums partner for example, then it’s different. I suppose it also depends on how much their bio parent contributes, how much money the stepparent has etc

That's fine if that's your stance, but DH and I feel differently. I'd hate it if DSD didn't have the same opportunities as my children because DH and her mother couldn't afford it, or similarly that I had to not take my children places to stop DSD feeling left out. She's my bonus kid and I will treat her as such.

I think these things have to be treated on a situational basis - and with the wellbeing of the children firmly at the centre. Having set stances and then trying to overlay them onto the myriad variations thrown up by real life will mean child welfare ends up slipping through the gaps.

Children are incredibly vulnerable in blended family situations - in many different ways.

As a society it is important we acknowledge that.

As long as it’s a equally fair relationship then I do t think we should cherry pick . I buy gifts for my kids and his kids and he does the same as a example .

I think that personally it should be up to the couple in question, however certainly step-parents shouldn't be "officially" held responsible for children that aren't theirs...eg for student loan purposes.

Why would anyone want t marry someone who does not WANT to provide for their stepchildren. Be fussier

@Goldongold Because that's not their role? My sons have two bio parents who both recognise their responsibilities.

Yes men ans women should pay for step children then

@PollyBell Not sure why gender matters re parents?

Every family and situation is different and blanket rules don’t work. My DH DF died of cancer at 26 years old. DH was just 7 months old. DMIL worked part time to support my DH while also getting Widowed Mothers Allowance. DMIL had a lot of family support as both her parents and her late husband’s parents as well as both of her sisters and their husbands willing helped look after my DH allowing her to work without worrying about childcare costs. When DH was five years old DMIL met her second DH. The word step never came into it DH and his DF just happened to have different last names. DMIL continued to work part time and DH DF worked full time. DH gained two step siblings who he gets on well with, all three children were treated the same and there was never my children and your children. It was 38 years ago that DMIL met her second DH and now DMIL has gone (cancer) but if anyone tried to tell my DH and his DF that they were not father and son because they are not related by blood both of them would argue different.

Married couples don’t have to blend all finances, and indeed many don’t. Not everyone desires the ‘all in’ model, and, luckily enough, they aren’t actually required to adopt it upon marrying.

If it’s important to a parent that their spouse take on stepchildren as ‘their own’ then it’s their responsibility to not partner with anyone unwilling to do that.

I agree to a point.

But wait until you find out your children's potential support for government maintenance loans will include his income in their assessments. Your children may not be entitled to as much help ... will he step up to fill the gaps?

This, just as borh incomes should be considered.
OP, who would support your children (husband's sc) if you weren't working or getting cms?
Imo, all should be shared when you commit to someone with children

Ok but if the situations were reversed - your dh was a higher earner and lets say you what to go for holidays so he pays for himself and half for shared child and you pay for your two sons and yourself? What if you can’t afford to pay for that? He’d need to sponsor everyone otherwise there’s no holidays. The same with the house, ok you and your sons take up more space and you pay more because you make more but what if he made more money? Would he pay more even though he has only one child? I think it’s very clear and easy for you because you came with the baggage and you’re earning more so “oh I’m responsible for my kids”. My friend is dating a childless guy (she had two kids) he told her: I’m happy to pay for you to go on holidays with me but I’m not paying for your children. Is that fair? She absolutely can’t afford a holiday. According to you that’s ok but in this case they never go on holiday because she can’t afford to. Or they only holiday without her children

@Mrsnothingthanks
If he was happy to pay financially and respect you all as family would you still be making a post saying why should he? Not his kids and would you then still be bothered about other people’s husbands doing it for their families?
Or is it just that some men will but he doesn’t that bothers you?

@TheEveningSun Does the lady work ft?

Yes Op, of course an adult swanning into a child's life when said child has no control or choice and has to just accept you, warts and all, should be entirely exempt from baring any financial responsibility for the family they have consciously agreed to join. Give over. Too many step parents think they can just date a parent like some sort of teenage/ uni relationship and don't want the kids around at all. It's disgusting.

@BossaNovaOnAllNight A stepparent can be a great stepparent without having to pay for what both bio parents should be.

A lot of people marry someone because they can provide for them and their kids and they have that expectation.... they don't work or earn a little, so the working partner (most often the man/stepdad) is the main financial provider.

A lot of men are happy to be financial provider for their stepkids as well. It depends on their situation and the relationship with the kids.

I've just remembered something I read, where the stepdad had agreed to go halves on university fees for his twin SDs, but he found out his wife was cheating on him and he backed out of it.. the wife was fuming.

He was more than happy to share the expense until this.
Stepparents are not obligated, but it depends on his the finances work in the household.

Then why date someone with kids if theyre not willing to pay for the kids? That isn't being a step 'parent' its being dad's girlfriend who hasn't fully transitioned into taking on the family and keeps herself separate from them.

It doesn't matter to me i say what works for men works for women but this is mn men are considered a bank where women are not expected to pay for their step children

The double standard is seen on here daily when it comes to men and women

@BossaNovaOnAllNight Because why should they? My sons have two working bio parents. Then again, I would never want a husband to provide for me when I can work!

I would say that is up to him. He isn't legally responsible for anyone else's child including his wife's from previous, she and their dad are. However many step parents do look after stepchildren moneywise if either parent doesn't step up or is missing, they are an integral part of a family after all.

@PollyBell I think lots of women see men as banks tbh.

What if your ex decided one day he didn't want to be a parent any more and didn't pay either?
What if you became ill ot lost your job and couldn't afford to pay gor everything?

Yes in an ideal world step-parents wouldn't need to be responsible in anyway. But we aren't in an ideal world.