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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

608 replies

Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:00

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 01/12/2025 22:04

You take on a partner with kids then you take on their kids too in my opinion!

TFImBackIn · 01/12/2025 22:05

Not financially, you don't!

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:06

@Lmnop22 Emotionally yes, financially - why?! That is the role of the two biological parents.

OP posts:
TFImBackIn · 01/12/2025 22:06

I know a lot of A level students found this out the hard way when their step parent's income was taken into account with student finance, even though the couple kept separate accounts.

Slothey · 01/12/2025 22:06

I think if you’re married, you’re a family. Or it’s just way too complicated.

But, that’s on of the reasons why I can think of very few situations where marrying when you already have kids is a good idea.

Merryoldgoat · 01/12/2025 22:07

I would treat any step child the way in which I hope my child would be treated by a step parent.

If I cohabited with someone with children then there is an amount to which I would have to have responsibility for them financially.

However I think step families are generally not the happy blends the adult fool themselves they are and I would never create a blended family, finances being one of many reasons.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:09

@Slothey My husband didn't have any children when we met but I had two. I absolutely did not want him to take on financial responsibility for my sons - that's not his duty. I made this clear from the start and he very much respected that stance.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 01/12/2025 22:11

The point of getting married is to link yourselves legally and financially. At that point, it’s hard to argue that you can truly keep children out of the financial aspects of the relationship.

I think people should be more hesitant to marry when children already exist. The finances are just too complicated. That is distinct from having relationships.

sprigatito · 01/12/2025 22:11

Merryoldgoat · 01/12/2025 22:07

I would treat any step child the way in which I hope my child would be treated by a step parent.

If I cohabited with someone with children then there is an amount to which I would have to have responsibility for them financially.

However I think step families are generally not the happy blends the adult fool themselves they are and I would never create a blended family, finances being one of many reasons.

Yes, this. Blended families are very rarely happy, particularly for the children of previous relationships. However much the adults involved want it to be so.

Strictlycomeparent · 01/12/2025 22:11

I think it depends. If they have two competent parents then yes. But personally I wouldn’t ever see my DSC miss out because they have one useless parent. I would and have prioritised them being treated fairly compared with their siblings. Feeling like the Cinderella child does such lasting damage, not just to that child but also to the other children seeing essentially a form of long form cruelty to their sibling. I couldn’t be that person.

Carrothesort · 01/12/2025 22:11

The benefits system (including child benefit) and student loan system expect any step parent living with the child to share financial responsibility for them.

DH took on financial responsibility for my eldest DS (DH's stepson) when we got married and has never treted him differently to our shared dcs, including in our wills. It was just part of having shared finances as a married couple.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:13

@Strictlycomeparent My sons have two competent parents who have always worked their entire lives. I would never expect someone else to take financial responsibility for the children I chose to have.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 01/12/2025 22:13

So presumably your husband doesn’t pay as much towards your mortgage and household bills etc because it’s pro-rata’d and you pay the extra for your children, including more for food and everything else?

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:14

@Strictlycomeparent Surely you should take financial responsibility for your children as their mother?

OP posts:
lanthanum · 01/12/2025 22:14

As TFImBackIn says, you can have whatever agreement you want, but when it gets to student finance, it is household income that is assessed.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:15

@FuzzyWolf I'm the higher earner so wouldn't expect him to pay as much as me. I buy the big food shops when the kids are home etc.

OP posts:
BakedBeing · 01/12/2025 22:16

I think if you don’t want to be responsible for other people’s children, it’s best not to marry their parents.

Bungle2168 · 01/12/2025 22:17

Depends. For decisions made before you became a family unit, the step parent should not be on the hock. Decisions made jointly should be treated as a joint decision.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:17

@lanthanum Genuine q re child maintenance then...is a stepparent's income taken into account here as it is for student loan?

OP posts:
mumzof4x · 01/12/2025 22:17

I don’t know the answer to this only my own experience…. Although the way you say “not his kids!” with the ! for emphasis makes me feel lucky to have the dh amd step father we have in our lives. He would be very hurt if I announced they’re “not your kids” to him. He may not be the biological parent, rather the step parent, but he loves our dd as if she was. He has raised her and taught her the values and kindness I always admire in him.
He often spoils her not only with his time but financially too ….and just as if he was her biological father money is always discussed together first and I love that he loves to do it.
He helped fund dd through the end of her medical school - not because I needed him to but he clearly wanted to and he likes to provide for us.
I don’t need it or expect it but he likes to help them out.

Lmnop22 · 01/12/2025 22:17

Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:06

@Lmnop22 Emotionally yes, financially - why?! That is the role of the two biological parents.

Because maintenance doesn’t pay for everything and you love your step kids? You take on the children and if they need things in your home then you provide for them as you would your kids. Discrepancies just breed rivalry and conflict and misery and these kids never asked for the adult relationships around them to break down!

Bruisername · 01/12/2025 22:17

There’s so many variables though

if the kids were young when he joined the family you would hope he would see them as his family tbh and not just 2 kids who live in his house.

if you get cms does that get thrown in the pot or do you divide everything so you only ever pay for your kids?

if he became ill and couldn’t work would you support him and reduce the amount you spend on your kids? Or you can’t work/take maternity and the kids suffer financially?

I find these attitudes where money is the primary consideration pretty cold

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:17

@BakedBeing Or take responsibility for your own kids rather than expect someone else to?

OP posts:
Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 01/12/2025 22:18

How do you actually make this work in practice though OP? Do you keep all your accounts separate? It seems complicated as a married couple not to treat all the kids as one family

Strictlycomeparent · 01/12/2025 22:19

Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:14

@Strictlycomeparent Surely you should take financial responsibility for your children as their mother?

I am a step mother. And sadly my step child doesn’t have two parents who prioritise their wellbeing and provide for them. I wish it were so. But that’s not the reality for lots of children. My step child wouldn’t be able to do any clubs or go on school trips if our shared finances didn’t pay for it. As a family we have less to spend on our ‘joint’ children. But it’s not even a question to me that we would jointly fund these since DM won’t.

I agree with those above who say blended families rarely work for the kids. That’s why for me personally I could never marry someone with a child that I didn’t love. I love my step child so I would never want them to miss out to make some sort of point. I think to live with an adult who doesn’t love you must be an awful feeling.