To think death brings out the worst in families, not the best?

[GraveEtiquetteJay]

The performative grief, the inheritance games, the sudden holiness… it’s almost comic. AIBU to think funerals reveal who people really are?

My Dad (Mum pre-deceased him) had nothing worth having apart from a few bits of (inexpensive) furniturwe that my older brother's son wanted. He went round, emptied all Dad's stuff on to the floor and left it there.

My younger brother and I were left with clearing the house entirely - older brother did nothing. We had already done everything for mum's funeral (and for the 5 days she was dying, we mounted the 24 hour vigil to ensure Dad was never alone and Mum always had someone with her - older brother, who lived 400 yards away, never dropped in for more than 10 minutes) and were left to do everything for Dad's.

Older one kept ringing younger brother up when we were jointly doing the will/probate, etc, because Dad left some savings - once older one got his cut, we've not heard from him again. If I'm honest, neither younger brother nor I care if we never do again.

Eh? How's that then?

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. But that's my point. Some people really do just turn into vultures and they either don't care how shitty it shows them to be or they just don't realise it maybe? It's a disgusting attitude and I don't blame you and your younger brother for not wanting anything to do with him 💐

I dread my mothers death not just because I love her but because my sister is going to be an absolute fucking nightmare and I already know it.

My mothers siblings were very badly behaved when her mother died.

Oh god, definitely. Similar happened before my grandparents died though, when each of them were diagnosed with dementia and needed to live in nursing homes. My mother was a nightmare and just so combative for no reason whatsoever. Her relationship with her siblings wasn’t great already and they just sacked her off after both parents died. It was like they died twice though, because of the drama but also the illness that is dementia.

As for inheritance, the way my ex and his entire family discussed what they would inherit before anyone even died, was frankly disgusting. They were shitty people anyway, all of them, but I’ve never hoped a dead person had left everything they’d ever owned to charity, out of spite, in my entire life.

I've just buried (well, cremated) my dad
I've been gobsmacked at the amount ofpeople at his funeral - none, and I mean none of them bothered to visit him in the two years he was bed bound in a care home.
I couldn't bring myself to make nice with them at the £30 per head wake, my poor brother took on that task.
Resent the lot of them!

Totally agree, becoming so frequent on here you can spot them a mile off. I often wonder if they are writing for Take a Break or some other shit magazine.

AIBU to think funerals reveal who people really are?

Is a very different question from

AIBU to think death brings out the worst in families not the best?

As pps have said, when we lost immediate family members, we gained a great deal of comfort from the words and actions of those around us. People close to us were wonderfully supportive.

I'm sorry that hasn't been your experience.

My FIL remarried fairly quickly after MIL died. DH and his sister were welcoming to his new wife. When FIL died, his wife wanted the funeral to be all about her and her family, despite only being married to him for 5 years. She had persuaded him to sell his house and move in with her and there was no money left when he died. She also got his substantial pension. It was like she was a completely different person after his death.

So sorry for your loss 💐. I agree with you, my family got closer, everything was clear for years so everybody followed suit but I know this doesn't always happen.

My family is in the funeral business and the amount of times the police have had to be called to the crematorium is actually quite shocking!
Someone once bit my stepdad for trying to break up a fight

Totally agree.
All the care of my beloved gran was dumped on my mum and me. One set of relatives even told us we had to organise the funeral around the many holidays they had booked. Quite happy to swan off with 25% of the cash though.

I agree OP. It always amuses me on here that when threads come up on here about only children, there's always loads of comments about how people should have a second child "so that they have each other to support with elderly care" or "so they're not alone when the parents pass"

I work in elderly social care and rarely come across this scenario with siblings helping each other out with an elderly parent or being pillars of strength for each other. Mostly it's left to one person, the siblings are falling out and its almost a guarantee in large families there will be major disagreements over money/inheritance. I imagine its even worse when the parent eventually dies!

Depends on the family.

In my case, my grandmothers death reunited my mother with her estranged brother - they meet quite regularly now.

Similarly, the death of my uncle led me to reconnect with a cousin who I hadn’t seen for decades.

I think if the death is sudden and the person lost is young it can be very difficult.

I have lost a very important person and I have found the behaviour of some of the family surprising.
However, I have enough insight to see how difficult it is for them too and that they may not understand some of the things I have had to do either.

I don’t think it’s the people in general who are awful, more that the situation is.

After a shocking death people go into survival and often exist on little sleep or food, none of us are our best, add shock and deep grief and you have a difficult time ahead.

My parents rarely saw any of them, they led very busy lives, apparently. But they managed to spend some quality time with them as they lay on their death beds, just long enough to take their money. Karma will clear up.

I disagree. At least as a general rule. The deaths of my parents, particularly the second parent, certainly brought me and my sisters closer and made us appreciate it each other more.

A bit of a miserablist generalisation, @GraveEtiquetteJay .

In plenty of families funerals are held with love and understanding. That's certainly been my experience.

MN is such a depressing place these days. I know it is partly because the world is facing a lot of challenges and horribleness right now. But I think there is also a bit of a tendency to let off steam by talking up the negative. I'm trying to notice more positives than I have been recently, for the sake of my mental health.

Its inheritance that is bringing out the worst in my family. Unfortunately even though my Nan had wishes, she didnt write a will, just verbally told people.
Now her sons and wives are gleefully waiting on a large handout of cash so they can spend/waste it all and it isnt what she wanted to happen with her house and savings.

Write a will people, write a will.

Absolutely, write a will.

Alot of stress could be avoided for us if a will existed.

Often, yes. Usually over money. When my grandmother died her son (my uncle) immediately took it upon himself to hide and then rewrite her will to cut her new partner (my grandfather had been dead for several years) out of the will. Despite the fact that all of her kids were amply provided for.

It caused a horrible schism in our family from which we never recovered. My mum died not long afterwards and never made up with two of her siblings.

I agree to some extent but its more that grief is a very raw emotion and brings out sides to people thay you dont often see. Its also brings strong emotion and that can lead to difficulties in relating to someone who is grieving differently to you. Having been through a difficult family situation post bereavement I also see that there is potential to learn about each other and fix things when you have come through it in your own different ways. Performative grief sounds a bit harsh for close family members. Perhaps you have a lack of empathy which means you don't relate to those who grieve a bit more deeply.

No funerals/deaths/aftermath I've been a party to have been problematic in the least. Maybe we are just a lucky family/in laws/cousins whatever.

In all cases the deceased had simple straightforward and copperfastened wills. The bereaved children etc. all knew the contents and the deceased's wishes, and in my own case both my parents had two of us as executors and everyone knew what was to happen, which was scrupulously fair.

I can only remember one funeral that went wrong, that was when we followed the wrong hearse to the wrong cemetery. But that was hilarious, and we found the right one just before the coffin was lowered. We still laugh about it.

It certainly brought out the worst in my relatives and now there’s a huge family divide

I blocked my dads brother and all his family when my dad passed away. All rowing with me about a watch. My dad sold the watch before he passed. Because my uncle sold the watch to my dad 20 years previously he some how thought he was entitled to it. They accused me and my brother of selling it. Was it a rolex? No a cartier that was worth about £500! My cousin sent a disgusting message to me at 5 in the morning demanding we tell her where it was and how her dad had saved for years to buy that! She was s toddler when he bought it, paid for with his Christmas bonus and my dad gave him 2 grand for it. Bat shit. Recently had my half brother looking for more money too as he's spent the 45 grand he inherited