AIBU for telling my son's dad he can have our son on Christmas Eve day but not Christmas morning.

[NattyRedWriter]

So just to clarify before I start, me and my son's dad have a reasonably amicable relationship and have done since we split 5 years ago. We parted on mutual amicable terms and make arrangements for our son between us.

He sees our son about once a fortnight- through his choice- and I am happy to accommodate the days that work for him, because up until recently he was working weekends and didn't have set hours. As long as it doesn't affect our son's football matches for that weekend as this is our son's favourite thing and we both know this and wouldn't want his matches affected. I drop him off and pick DS up because he doesn't drive.

He doesn't pay maintenance but does pay for half of our son's clubs- as well as football our son does 2 other clubs and goes to afterschool clubs twice a week due to work commitments. He tends to pay this half way through the term which is slightly frustrating because I need to pay upfront at the start of the term but to be honest I know he'll pay eventually so I don't see the point in causing an issue for the sakes of a few weeks! He doesn't pay for maintenance/ food/ clothes etc but tbh I don't struggle and would rather just get on with it than create what could become an issue. It's a bit frustrating because he smokes a lot and goes out quite a lot but tbh I don't want the hassle!

He worked away for a bit abroad for 3-4 months at a time so doesn't have his own accommodation any more. He has lived between his parents and now his new girlfriends houses for the last 18 months. His parents aren't trusted around our son unsupervised so whilst our son goes there under his dad's supervision he wouldn't be left unsupervised or stay overnight there.

What I find quite frustrating is that he doesn't turn up to any football/ swimming/ school events for our son- even though up until a few weeks ago he was literally living 300m away from the leisure centre/ playing fields! Doesn't take our son to school, pick him up or take him to any club/matches and can't even be bothered to turn up to parents evening, despite currently not working. Doesn't help at all with arranging childcare for school holidays but rather tells me he only gets his rota weekly so doesn't know in advance- assuming I'll sort it!

I feel that it's his loss because he's missing out on seeing our son grow and do the things he loves but equally it's me that gets the frustration of our son when he's not turned up to something yet again!

Anyway my real frustration and the reason for this post is that today my son has gone to his dad's- he turned up 5 minutes before the end of his hour long football match to pick him up!- and then asked the arrangements for Christmas. For the last 3-4 years our son has seen his dad on Christmas eve day and I've picked him up in the evening and he's been with me Christmas Day. His dad is always welcome to pop round on Christmas Day if he wants and has done the last couple of years with his last girlfriend. It's always been quite pleasant and I felt good for our son to see his parents and step parents all get along together.

I assumed this would happen again this year and said to him this when he asked... he then replied yes I can have him xmas eve and I'll drop him over xmas morning/ after lunch. I swiftly said no to this! I felt quite frankly fuming that he has the audacity to think he can have our son at his new girlfriends house on Christmas morning when he doesn't both on any other morning of the year! I feel that I do everything for out son - which I'm not complaining about- but I do feel the least I deserve is to get xmas morning- the one day of the year to be able to share presents and be together and share the magic (he's 8 and already shared doubts about santa so I'm expecting this to be his last xmas believing) etc.

I can't help but feel really fuming but also AIBU for saying no to my son being at his dad's for Christmas morning when I do everything all year around and his dad just pops up when he feels like it?

You should go through CMS to get money for your DS. If you don't need it now save it up in a bank account for when he wants to go to uni or have driving lessons. I'd suggest he has DS on Boxing day.

I don’t agree that it should be up to DS to decide. He is only 8. He has no idea what he is possibly agreeing to if he goes with Christmas Day with dad. OP doesn’t seem to know either.

There’s less than a month till Christmas. Christmas plans will already have been discussed with DS. It’s too late to change things now.

I would tell your ex that you are surprised by this request given the past 5 years, that you have already made plans around that but of course you are willing to look at how you both manage time with DS next year. Suggest you have a catch up right after Christmas to discuss. Tell him he is most welcome to come over on Christmas Day again.

Id say the only reason the relationship has been amicable so far is because you have been willing to accept him dictating terms. So he thinks that he is entitled to whatever he wants. Frame everything as what isn DSs best interests. Which is obviously more time with his dad and to be financially supported by his dad. Although I would not mention money right now. Christmas is one very small part of that. But for this year, DS deserves to stick with the plan and wake up in his own bed with a familiar Christmas that will leave him feeling safe and secure.

Playing tit for tat is not conducive to a civil relationship between parents.
It's about what the child wants and he hasn't been factored into this at all.
No "little Jimmy wants to stay home with me as normal", instead it's weaponising a child. Ex doesn't deserve it so it's not happening.

It is not about what OP "deserves" (her words) it's what her child deserves and that's what's being lost in all of this.

If she had come in saying their son wants to stay home Xmas morning, I would have had a different reply. But she didn't . She's made it about her.

Believe me, I know all too well how some dads behave exactly how her son's has.
My eldests father was much worse. The amount of tears I cried wondering whether or not I was doing the right thing, at 18 I still wonder if I did, but as much as I detest the man, I never put my feelings in the way of my child's needs.

He’s not offering effort or parenting, who are you kidding.

Always makes me laugh that these deadbeat men that can’t even do the bare minimum suddenly think they deserve to be a parent when it comes to things like Christmas. My son goes to his dads EOW (just about) and his dad has absolutely zero involvement otherwise, didn’t even know the name of the school he was going to until he was weeeks in - he had a big surgery 3 weeks ago and he’s seen him once and hasn’t even asked about him in the meantime. Yet he rang me last week demanding he has Christmas Eve and Christmas morning - my son cried and said he didn’t want to go there, as he always spends it with me, and his dads response was “well tough, sometimes in life we’ve got to do things we don’t want to do” needless to say, my son will be with ME for Christmas just like he wants to

What she said!

And the original poster hasn't even been back

If she doesn’t take his money she thinks it gives her more control over access. Heaven forbid that a father should want to see his son on one Christmas morning every 5 years.

But if is son is so special to him, how come he shows up for absolutely nothing. Can’t even be bothered to watch him play football, let alone actually contribute a penny to his wellbeing. So no, he doesn’t suddenly get to cherry-pick.

And the OP still hasn't been back