To be pissed off DH has gone for a nap?

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Today our 2.5 old woke at 530. Got up with him, did breakfast and all of that. DH up at 7, ds1 woke as well. I went back to bed and I slept until 9 (had a really bad night) then each of us took the kids to different activities only DH didn’t end up going so ds1 just watched TV all morning. Then DH took them to the recycling centre with him. It took about forty minutes. Then I’m running round like a blue arsed fly getting lunch and everything, got ds2 down for his nap and now DH is asleep.

AIBU to be let down? I’m taking them to a party later then tomorrow they have two parties so he’s going to have loads of time to himself this weekend.

I cannot imagine realising my dh wouldn’t take his own child to a party without immediately getting the absolute ick that he was such a poor dad and partner.

I think the answer is simple: he doesn't want to. He probably finds those things a drag.

I fear the OP has encountered the Immovable Object - ie, a husband who's happy to point blank refuse to do his fair share of the running around and childcare. It means the OP is then forced into an awful position of taking over and running herself ragged, or not taking over, which means her kids miss out on their sports activities and parties. Which in turn, might have ramifications down the track (kicked off the team for failing to show up, not being invited to future parties, etc).

Unfortunately, there's probably very little the OP can do about it. She can talk to her husband until she's blue in the face. But if he still refuses to pitch in with the kids, there's not many options left on the table, aside from separation.

You are both in the midst of it and feeling tired, this will hopefully pass.
My eldest was a devil for starting the day at 5.30. He did this for years and it was always me getting up with him as he wouldn't be content sitting in our bed and watching TV. Now nearly a tween in his own words 'I know I am older now as I stay in bed longer' and he does have a lie in (unfortunately for me peri insomnia has hit so I still don't sleep!!). Anyway this is meant to reassure you that one day those early starts will be gone and you will hopefully feel less tired.

To me your issue is things that are shared, like kids parties. Of course some dads go and if he never attends then he won't know the other parents will he! Some parties I have been to are more sociable than others with parents chatting, while others people do sit on their phones and buy a drink and basically have a rest in that sense so you could sell it to him that way. He is also a parent and I don't see why he gets to opt out with the excuse he doesn't know them.

I would also make things easy for yourself. Rather than cooking something that is clearly time consuming or requiring effort, get some bits in for days when you are tired that you can just throw in the oven.

Also can you look at increasing your nursery hours? You mention being part time and I assume the kids are both in childcare when you work, can you add an extra day and work the free hours to help towards that so you have a day in the week to do any jobs you feel you need to do at the weekend and to rest?

I feel your pain. I have 4 children and at one stage, a newborn, 2 year old, 4 year old and 6 year old. I would do all the nights and always get up with them. Husband worked full time and I mostly worked part-time from home. It would drive me absolutely mad that he would just do what he wanted to do without any consideration to the rest of us. For example, he would want to do the gardening at the weekend so would just go and do it (not involving the kids). I felt resentful because I could never just go and do what I wanted to do, I always had to be responsible for the kids.

I agree that’s it’s not relaxing being at home all day with young children, they need to get out and parties are a good opportunity for them to burn off energy.

It’s tough when everyone is tired and you have young children.

We’re divorced now but I think I used to probably stew on things and I should have communicated better. Could you suggest he takes charge of kids for so you can rest. Can he always be with the kids whilst you’re cooking so you can just focus on cooking not watching the kids too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Needs to be about team work and both helping each other out.

What a weird assertion and spouted with such bile too. Are you enjoying yourself? I have a husband who does take his child to birthday parties and all the rest so I’m quite alright on that front. All the kids parties I’ve ever been to have 50/50 mums or dads there.

But I’m also a mother who doesn’t over schedule my child or family or make a rod for my own back. The OP could ease up on all the commitments and make life much easier for herself. I’m not a martyr. Sometimes it’s fine to sack off a club or activity and just eat a sandwich and some fruit for lunch.

If my husband was tired and made the call to skip a kids birthday party or activity and relax at home with our child I wouldn’t be angry with him, and neither would he with me. We’re adults and we can make our own decisions about how tired we are/how much energy we have for things. Why would I agree to two birthday parties in a weekend completely unbeknownst to my husband and then resent that I’m the one taking the children? How bizarre.

Life is too short to bitch and moan away the weekends. It’s within the OP’s control to meet her husband half way on a more relaxed time.

Today I’m still in bed while my husband makes bacon sandwiches for everyone. We’ll all float about in jammies doing not much of anything until after lunch and then wander round our village Christmas fair in the afternoon. If one of us wants a nap, the other won’t care.

There are only so many weekends in our life and it baffles me that someone would fill it with kid-centric activities and then resent their partner for easing up on that or for not falling in line with the stuff they’ve scheduled and their partner had no say in. If my husband booked two kids parties in one weekend he’d be on his own with that- sounds like my idea of hell.

Or alternatively, people recognise that the OP is only posting limited information of a snapshot in time and that deciding to write off an entire person and marriage on the basis of that is foolish.

The OP is posting her perspective on events. It is necessarily biased. I don't think it is lazy for the husband to decide not to take one child to a thirty minute activity on a morning when everyone is tired.

I think the OP needs more downtime and I think she needs to talk to her husband about this. But I don't think she needs a divorce or to start thinking of her husband as lazy and pathetic because people on Mumsnet who hate men anyway say so.

She also needs to realise that not everything needs to be done all the time. Part of parenting IME is recognising when a day has just got away from you because you were up all night or whatever and just easing up on things. Give yourself a break. She ran herself ragged doing things that didn't need to be done and then got stressed and resentful.

This is such a great post. I agree entirely.

What I don't get is why you aren't taking them to the parties together. As a team: a united front.
Parenting is hard work, but it is both your responsibilities.
If you need a break/some downtime, explain that to your husband. Unfortunately people are not mind readers and he probably assumes you're okay because you are trying to pretend you are x

Who the fuck goes to a kids party at the weekend on purpose with their dh/dw? 🤣

I agree with this post

My first thought was that your DCs are very little for multiple activities each weekend. Not to mention two parties.

Maybe your 4yo does one club, but a 2.5yo absolutely does not need a Saturday club. And in all honesty, neither does your 4yo...

As for the parties, why didn't you turn down the second one? The kids are too young to know, or care.

What do you mean 'he wont' ?? He'd let his kids miss a party because he can't be arsed?? What a prick

I know it may seem like a lot of drama over nothing but I imagine this has been a lot of things built up. My ex was the same, bloody useless with the kids. Weekends we would each have a lie in, his lie in I kept the kids entertained quiet happy etc. my lie in he would ignore them sit on his phone & they'd cry / come wake me up. I'm a single mum now and my life is actually easier because I haven't got a man child.

Except your situation is not comparable at all. Your husband couldn't manage to let you have a lie in, the OP's husband had no issue with her having a two hour nap and she doesn't say that he didn't take care of the children and stop them disturbing her. Also, it seems that he usually DOES take one child to their activity, he just didn't on this specific morning.

Come on. Children's parties are awful. I endure them for my kids' sake but there have been occasions I haven't gone purely because I can't be arsed and I have done enough for one week. Parties are not the be all and end all.

Then he does the housework / laundry / cooking while you're out with the kids

That's true, I just meant mostly is this a build up issue that has kinda tipped op over the edge. But I do think if he woke up early and let her nap, it should be absolutely fine for him to. I don't think it's healthy to tally up the minutes and if you are maybe there's an underlying issue (they're leaving you to do all the care/emotional labour etc).

I always seem to be late to the discussions and now OP says she's hidden the chat so probably won't see the response to this but I was going to say, it sounds like you do an awful lot for the family.

I don't think that having a busy day with multiple things to do now and again constitute some sort of scheduling failure.

And it does sound like you are stepping up all the time because your husband is stepping back. And it's so easy to say well, make him do more, and you say, he won't. So the kids will suffer. They won't end up going to their activities, they won't end up going to their parties, because he won't. And why did you have another kid with him if he's like this? Because he wasn't like that when you had another kid with them years ago. But now he is.

Yes this is pointing to a husband problem, but you didn't need anybody's confirmation, you already knew that. The thing is, You feel like this is totally unfair that you have to do everything and he can do things like take the morning off, sleep in late, take a nap, and you're running around like crazy making sure everything gets done. And no it's not fair. And then if you try to take some me time, you feel like the kids won't be properly supervised, and that's not fair. Because Daddy being home isn't helping out, isn't babysitting, it's parenting.
They don't get to "help" for half an hour or an hour out of a 24-hour day 7 days a week 365 days a year And that's considered to be their fair share of the parenting.

Sorry, OP. I hope that you get a little more sleep tonight and possibly that your husband steps up a bit more to help out. It's not fair.

But surely it’s just rude to say you’re going to a party and then fail to turn up because you’re tired? A lot of planning and effort goes into it. You say you’re just chilling in bed in your pjs, but is that possible with a baby and a toddler? I can understand more down time when the kids are older but not with babies and toddlers.

I don’t over book myself for anything, let alone children’s parties, so I wouldn’t know. There have been plenty of party invites we’ve politely declined this year because it’s just too much. But, yes, if I was exhausted and had previously said yes to any kind of social event, I wouldn’t hesitate to pull out with a white lie if I needed to.

As for not getting a lie in with a baby and a toddler, well a) this is why I’ve chosen not to have a baby and a toddler at the same time and b) I have plenty of friends who manage to give each other alternate lazy mornings/time to themselves who have two or more young children. But yes, it is nice to have a 4 year old who sees to themselves and for us to enjoy our slow, relaxed weekends. Part of that is achieved by not having two birthday parties plus clubs filling our days. Plenty of people with one child also cram their life with endless activities and then wonder why everyone’s knackered and miserable.

Why on earth would you do that? Everyone is entitled to a little nap, when she gets back from the parties the next day, she just needs to say my turn for an hour nap. If someone is genuinely tired why would you go out of your way to be annoying and wake them up?! It’s give and take and she just needs to do it another time. Although she did get 2 hours in the morning! All a bit baffling really

Yes, parties We've given for 2 and 3 year olds it's often dad that turns up with child/children..

And they are generally interactive too btw

We didn’t find the gro clock idea much help at this age. With phases of early waking one of us would go in and lie with DD, we would keep the lights dim and would talk or listen to stories, nothing too fun and no screens. Then slowly pushing back the time day time started. She’s now 4.5 and we’ve managed to get morning to be 7am most days, from a long period of 5:30 starts too. If only her 8m old brother could get the memo to not wake every couple of hours overnight then we might actually be parents that don’t just run on coffee and fumes!

And agree OH needs to step up and either take to parties/activities or take responsibility for something around the house like laundry/cooking/ meal planning so you get some down time too.

I think perhaps you are both a little tired understandably. Having been a single parent for 17 years to a 17 year old, I can get what you mean when you feel overwhelmed by it all.

Nah I can't get behind that at all. Kids talk about parties. Just couldn't do it to my child but each to their own.
(He's still a prick)