To be pissed off DH has gone for a nap?

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Today our 2.5 old woke at 530. Got up with him, did breakfast and all of that. DH up at 7, ds1 woke as well. I went back to bed and I slept until 9 (had a really bad night) then each of us took the kids to different activities only DH didn’t end up going so ds1 just watched TV all morning. Then DH took them to the recycling centre with him. It took about forty minutes. Then I’m running round like a blue arsed fly getting lunch and everything, got ds2 down for his nap and now DH is asleep.

AIBU to be let down? I’m taking them to a party later then tomorrow they have two parties so he’s going to have loads of time to himself this weekend.

It isn’t the issue I’m posting about, you’re right, and as I’ve said he doesn’t typically start the day like that. I’m not comfortable leaving him crying so shall we move on?

You say it would be weird if you didn't take the child to the parties, but that's a bit self-fulfilling no? How's he going to get to know the other parents if he never takes them to these parties and whatever?

At my school, yes, it's often the mums that do parties, but there's generally at least one dad at any party - and for sporting stuff it'll be the other way around - mainly dads.

Somehow you need to break this cycle now - or you're going to be even more resentful and burned out until it destroys the relationship.

3 parties in a weekend? You both have your priorities out of whack. Slow down.

Why are you starting the day at 5.30?
Why have you said yes to 3 parties in one weekend?!

Honestly it’s not weird if the dad takes a child to a party

the party is for the kids anyway

all the parties we are at is a mix of mums or dads ! I hate having to go to all of them as it’s unfair!

Two. One today, one tomorrow. Sorry, I didn’t realise having more than one friend wasn’t OK. I consider myself told.

@rainrainrain25 - I hope you woke your DH from his nap?

If you have packed your weekend with so many things and then get stressed about it, that’s all on you. Don’t commit to so many things. Either you enjoy it or it’s stressful- you decide. I couldn’t bear the weekend you’ve described- far too much going on.

“I’m taking them to a party later then tomorrow they have two parties”

I interpreted that as three parties. But either way…Stop moaning. You went back to bed for a nap yourself and have said yes to lots of invitations.

It seems like the problem is that you have over-scheduled the weekend. Two activities plus two parties is a lot for such young children and it the burden of the parties falls disproportionately on you then of course you're going to end up resentful when you're tired.

IMO there was no need to cook a hot lunch either. I presume your kids will get the usual party fare later: they eat it or they don't. If they come home hungry then there's nothing wrong with porridge or toast and fruit for tea. You're making all this too hard on yourself.

Urghhhh honestly, I know the all-too-common feelings of resentment etc but honestly if this is the hill you want to die on, making it a competition, you’re just going to be pissed off and miserable you’re entire child-rearing existence.

I wouldn’t have a problem with husband nipping off for a nap if he’d got up really early with the kids.

If it's a case of 'you did less than me' for the weekend, let it go, just one of those weekends when it works out that way and score keeping isn't an attractive trait. If it's common that hubby does less and shirks responsibility frequently then need a chat and he needs to get doing more.

Gosh Mumsnet is vile today. I'm with you OP, husband is also currently napping and I am muttering things I shouldn't mutter under my breath. Like you say, unless he is told what to do he'll do whatever he wants and it's infuriating. I wish I could be a selfish prick too.

We've got 2 toddlers about the same age - life is thought so I get that. If I'm the one to get up in the morning, my husband wouldn't go for a nap without checking with me first.

On the other hand, we all compromise too much for our kids. Ideally you need to find a way for everyone to get a rest.

If our 4yo doesn't want to nap, then he's asked to do a "quiet time" in his bedroom. He reads a book or play quietly, sometimes he falls asleep anyway. Yes he would prefer to be entertained by us, but we need a break, and it helps him regulate too after a busy morning.

I’m not seeing this over scheduling. Both parties are two hours; that leaves what, ten hours a day, minus half an hour swimming and half an hour football for each child today.

So today

ds1 swimming 10-1030
ds2 football 10-1030
party 3-5

tomorrow

party 3-5

?

On the face of it OP it does feel like you’re making a big deal of not much here. But is this part of a pattern of behaviour where your DH gets much more free time than you? That would explain it.
you should just dial back expectations of yourself when you’ve had an early start- one easy lunch won’t kill anyone. The kids don’t want a stressed out resentful mummy anymore than you want to be that person.
its hard when you’re so tired!
if you don’t feel up to much tomorrow keep it chilled the rest of the time. Your DH can take the kids out for an hour while you chill at home in the morning maybe?

But you feel stressed and resentful. You're tired - you were up early and had a bad night. Then you have these activities and the parties and you also decided to cook a hot lunch. It didn't have to be this hard - you could just go easy on yourself because you've had a bad night. I couldn't get worked up about your child missing a half hour activity and watching TV either - that's what Saturday mornings were for when I was a kid.

I'm not blaming you or saying you are wrong to be resentful. On the face of it I don't think your husband sounds like he's done anything terrible today but perhaps there is a larger pattern of behaviour and you always feel like you do more than him, in which case a conversation needs to be had.

Sounds like you both need sleep x

Well, but I think cancelling a party because I’m tired would just be rude. Besides the kids aren’t exactly easy in the house, they just aren’t like that. At least at the party I can sit for a bit while they play.

But I can see I’m being totally unreasonable and I’m sorry for that. I just suppose I feel like given I’m giving DH quite a bit of free time the favour should have been returned or offered at least. But that is unreasonable and unfair of me.

Come on now, you're not a child. You don't need to do the victim routine. No one has said you are wholly unreasonable. Only you can know how typical this is for your marriage. All people have said is that on the face of it, it doesn't sound bad. No one is suggesting you cancel the party either. Just that on bad days when you're tired it's best to cut yourself some slack and not make things so hard on yourself. Is it a big deal if your small child misses a half hour activity and watches TV? Did they really need a hot lunch? That's all.

This is a challenging stage of parenting and you need to give yourself (and your husband) a break on the tough days. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good enough.

What would you have rather I said? I’ve agreed I’m being unreasonable, would you prefer it if I argued and said I wasn’t?

I think you're being disingenuous here. I'm not trying to upset you. I'm offering you well-intentioned advice. It's fine if you disagree and don't want to take it.

I’m on the fence, I think I’d be pretty naffed off if my DH went and got in bed in the middle of the day tbh, did he tell you/ask you before he went? He might just be thinking you went back to bed for 2 hours so you’re ‘returning’ his favour this morning, but you also got up at 5 giving him an extra 2hrs.

The parties are great for some down time, especially if you know the mums. You can have a brew while somebody else entertains the kids.

These days are so tough, you both feel like you’re running on empty. Maybe just talk to him.

Dont do the victim routine tho, it’ll get you absolutely nowhere, with anybody!