To be pissed off DH has gone for a nap?

[rainrainrain25]

Today our 2.5 old woke at 530. Got up with him, did breakfast and all of that. DH up at 7, ds1 woke as well. I went back to bed and I slept until 9 (had a really bad night) then each of us took the kids to different activities only DH didn’t end up going so ds1 just watched TV all morning. Then DH took them to the recycling centre with him. It took about forty minutes. Then I’m running round like a blue arsed fly getting lunch and everything, got ds2 down for his nap and now DH is asleep.

AIBU to be let down? I’m taking them to a party later then tomorrow they have two parties so he’s going to have loads of time to himself this weekend.

You got to go back to sleep for two hours this morning, you were fussing about running around doing a hot meal ‘including veggies’ because the kids will be having party food and then stressing about not being able to rest in case a child is watching too much telly.

I’m sure there’s loads of ways you could make life a lot easier for yourself.
if you are trying to live by impossible standards all the time and finding it knackering and stressful then I’m not surprised your husband has had a nap, like you had a nap earlier.

lower your standards for the sake of your mental health and for the sake of your marriage.

work on what you can let go of, especially after 530am starts and spend time with your husband to work out what your joint expectations are and how to achieve your goals flexibly and with collaboration .

In what way is it lacking? Because he didn't take the child to an activity on a morning when everyone was tired? Because he had a nap when the OP had already had hers?

@BeaRightThere he won’t take a child to a party, and OP gets very little time to herself, whereas I bet he does

We don't know that. I prefer to respond to what the OP has actually said than to make up a story in my head and get annoyed about it. Both parents should get equal amounts of free time, accepting that sometimes it will be unbalanced but will hopefully always even out. The OP says she's happy to take the kids to the party so I'm taking her at her word. In my household I am the person who takes the kids to parties, not my favourite thing but I suck it up knowing that there are other things my partner does that balance it all out.

you have two kids going to different parties or both going to two?

@BeaRightThere the OP says she gets little time to herself, and DH can do what he wants

This is a lot of parties but sometimes it works out that way, lots of parties one weekend and the en it’s quieter for a bit. And if they’re good pals you want your kids to go if they can.
plus my recollection is that it was no easier parenting kids this age on a quiet day at home than one with activities, necessarily!
but I agree that in my experience (my youngest is ten) there are and always have been plenty of dads at the parties and it’s a good chance for them to get to know each other/dc’s friends, if they don’t do many pick ups etc. He should defo be doing some of these!

She says she feels she has no time to herself, not that he has more and can do whatever he wants. She said she feels she has given him free time this weekend between one child's activity and the two parties. That doesn't mean this is usual or default.

Why ARE YOU taking them to all the bloody parties????

Who the fuck is saying you are unreasonable?? Jesus these women have no standards!!!

Sounds like my worst nightmare. There definitely is such a thing as too many parties. Especially in the OP’s case. She’s signed herself up for all this nonsense and is now moaning about it.

@BeaRightThere I doubt the OP is just complaining about this one nap

Perhaps, and as I've said if that's the case then she needs to have a serious talk with her husband.

In my house it would be:

you went back to bed
he had a nap

both cancel each other out.

two parties issue - my husband hates parties so I do it but he gives me the time back in some way. But I’ve never done two parties in one day, just not for me 😂

I think it’s more important what your relationship is like the rest of the time, as on the face of it this isn’t a huge deal, but context is everything.

This. Ive no idea why you are getting so much criticism on this thread. You are not wrong. Your husband is a lazy father.

I always assume it's one of two things- the poster never let their partner do as much as the kids are "theirs", enjoys being the one who has to make all the sacrifices as their role as a woman etc.

or they have a lazy partner and have given up so presume that this is just HOW MEN ARE and that ALL MEN ARE LAZY etx

I wouldn't keep track of naps in a competitive way. (As long as your husband is generally a good father/husband.) So for your actual aibu I would say yes, sorry.

Aside from that op I think getting up with a small child when they're crying is the right thing to do, and sometimes two parties will just fall on the same weekend.

Any kids hobbies/activities are after school during the week for us, as we didn't want to give up every Saturday morning for swimming lessons etc.. There is no right or wrong mostly it's all just a juggle.

He can do the parties tomorrow

You’re being defensive because you’re tired; fine.

No one has said it’s all your fault, just pointed out where you could make life easier for yourself.

Ultimately, you and your DH are a team, so you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you are feeling.

Sorry you’re feeling rubbish @rainrainrain25 . I think everything feels 100x worse when you’ve not had sleep - it can really be torture. Hope tonight is a better night.

i think there’s 2 issues here :

1. the naps - if I’m honest if he got up at 7am I can’t see why he needed a nap in the day unless there’s a backstory of illness / working shifts/ hangover etc - but for me it’s more the communication around this. I’m assuming he told you he was going up for a nap and didn’t just disappear ? If so what was the discussion? Obviously you can’t stop a grown man from napping but it may be useful in future to say something like “ok if you’re going to be gone for 2 hours then could you do x,y,z so I can have a bit of a break when you get up? “Or could you say - “nows not a good time really because I’m doing x,y,z could you not nap when we’re at the party?”

2. you’ve mentioned that everything feels unequal and that it’s assumed you do everything - I think this is really the crux of the issue. This is not a criticism at all but perhaps with you spending more time with the children (you mentioned you’re part time and I’m assuming your partner is ft) youve become the default parent. It’s so easy for this to happen but everything is a work in progress and you need to have clear communication with each other and intentionally carve time out for yourself. It’s hard when you’re in the thick of toddler life because they do take over everything but if you’re feeling like this it suggests that you need down time. Do you have any support closeby ? Could you work a regular 1-2 hours of down time for yourself in the week so it doesn’t feel so bad at the weekend

It might also be that you and DH need some time to reconnect? Maybe a date night / day or something - it can be so hard when you’re in the trenches but I find I feel most resentful when we’ve not had time to be a couple and we’re just trying to get through parenting.

i think you need to decide what you need from your DH and communicate that with him. You initially complained about having to go to the parties with the children, then when posters suggested your partner take them you said “he won’t” and then later said -well actually I know the mums, it would be rude to cancel and it’s easier than parenting at home. - these are all valid reasons to go btw -
The point I’m making is it doesn’t sound like you want DH to take the kids to the party or that going to the party is actually the problem but you positioned it in your OP as if it was the problem. Sometimes when you’re so tired and frazzled everything someone does pisses you off and it’s difficult to work out what exactly it is - but maybe after some good sleep tonight (fingers crossed) you can have a think about what exactly it is that doesn’t feel fair with examples and have a discussion with your partner when you’re calm and rested.

Also just as an aside - being too tired is definitely a good reason to cancel a party - you’re a human not a robot. If you genuinely want to go for other reasons crack on but people pleasing to your own detriment wilk not get you anywhere - and I say that as a people pleaser 🤣
Also also not knowing the other parents is not a good excuse for not taking your kids to the parties! If your DH genuinely “won’t” take the kids to parties for no good reason other than he expect you too - then this is a much bigger problem which needs addressing

its so much easier to give advice when you’re not in the situation. I hope things get better soon - teething is a bastard and it comes out of nowhere.

Why won’t he take them to parties?

Why did he “end up” not taking ds1 to his activity?

Thse seem like the real issues - the nap is probably only annoying because he’s otherwise not pulling his weight. You should both get a chance to nap if you want (or sit and read for a bit or whatever)

I also agree with this but just trying to boil it down to what would really help.

How is he lazy? She also went back to bed for a sleep. He made a decision to skip an activity and relax at home with one child instead, whereas she’s running about daft “making lunches”. How difficult making lunch has to be I don’t know.

If my husband accepted multiple party invites over a weekend I wouldn’t be very pleased. Why is OP in the right here? She’s filling the weekend with stuff and then moaning about it.

Today I slept in while my husband took our child to visit his mum. We had a Christmas event this evening so when they got back we had toasties and soup for lunch he had a nap while I chilled with a movie with my son before heading out later on. Everyone’s managed to have some down time and extra sleep and still do some nice things. Lunch was something nice and simple.

I swear some people just make life harder than it needs to be.

He could have made lunches since he decided he didn't want to take his child to the child’s activity. He didnt. He wasnt doing activities with his child at home instead, he put the child in front of the tv.

multiple parties was 2. And he wont do any. Why are you trying to make it sound like it was an unreasonable huge number?

This is a man who will only do what he wants and not what will benefit his children. And you are a person who believes if a man keeps his child alive when looking after him, he is a great dad. Pathetic.

Stop whining and tell hubby he's doing 1 of the parties tomorrow ... or both!