DP leaving me to sleep alone so that he can sleep with his kids

[adviceplease97]

Full prepared to be told IABU, just want some outside perspective on whether this is a normal set up.

Been with DP for two years. He has two children from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8, no SEN. I am child free by choice. Children were introduced gradually, I wasn’t the OW and we don’t live together yet just to cover all bases.

I stay with my DP nearly every night of the week but haven’t moved in yet as I feel it is too soon and I haven’t been around the kids for long enough for them to be comfortable with this. I make sure that they have 1 on 1 time with their father and give them space when they visit.

My issue is that whenever the kids stay (60/40 split) I wake up and my DP isn’t in bed, rather he’s in the spare room sleeping with both of the kids.

This happens about 90% of the time that the kids are at my DP’s house. It doesn’t bother me massively but I would obviously rather wake up next to my DP.

AIBU that by the ages of 6 and 8 children should be sleeping in their own beds most of the time unaccompanied by their father? As I’m not a parent I’m not sure if this is a reasonable expectation.

Yanbu but I wouldn't mind, turn over, starfish & have the whole bed to yourself

See the other threads on this !!
Kids of that age, especially with divorce in the mix, may need extra comfort of parent to sleep. It's not that unusual. Maybe every night is, but still does happen.
DP is doing the right thing by going to them. Enjoy the extra space!

I like the fact he is putting his children first. It won't be forever and you get a bed all to your self half the time. Win win!

One of the main things that made me fall for my DH was the fact that he put his child above everything else. He now does the same with our children.

Please read the stepparents sub forum here.
There are so many examples of the SKs dad taking their partner for granted, treating her like a second class citizen, expecting her to wait on SKs hand and foot.
Just as a check for the future even if none apply to you now.

Personally after one such experience I'd never date a guy with kids again.

(And see the other posts - it has already started - "putting the kids first" is the mantra - in wants as well as needs. And just be happy with the crumbs / think of it differently / you knew what you were getting into blah blah.)

They are his kids and he needs to do what he thinks is the right thing to support them.

Maybe they wake in the night. Rather than disturb you, he’s gone to be with them. He sounds like a great dad and wants to spend lots of time with them. Keep the bed to yourself and sprawl out.

Maybe this isn’t the relationship for you

I wouldn't mind, extra space sounds lovely. The children will always come first.

You like waking up with him as an adult that's known him for two years. Imagine how much his kids like having that comfort in bed as children who don't get to see one of the most important people in their lives for most of the week.

Its not that unusual for young children to want their parent in the night, especially given they’ve gone through a separation. In my house we did whatever gave everyone the best nights sleep which meant sleeping in with the kids at times. It won’t be forever and yes him putting his kids first is a good thing.

Everyone gets more sleep that way and it won't be forever. Be grateful they aren't getting into your bed!

They are a bit big to need a grown up but I suspect it's more a case of the grown up needing them?

This is a sign of the type of man he is, he puts his kids first and always will. If you want to be with him you need to accept second place when they are around. That's not a reflection on you, but it tells you he is a good stable person who values family, and he sounds like a good one.

Nothing wrong with what hes doing.

I'd be thrilled! Whole bed to myself, how lovely.
I don't think he's doing anything wrong at all. I'd be glad he was a decent father.
To be honest, I'd probably give them some space and sleep at my own place for a night at the weekend.

You say you don’t live together because you feel it’s too soon for the children yet you sleep there when the kids are there? Why are you not going home and sleeping at your own place so they get time together if you feel it’s too soon?

^ This. You think the kids should be old enough to sleep alone, and yet you don't seem to be able to at your age? Honestly, let him have this time with his kids - they don't stay kids for long and it's precious.

He sounds a lovely dad ,you have a gem there

What is it you hope to achieve though?

He clearly wants to sleep in there with them. Let him. They aren’t there all the time and he probably misses them. Don’t be a big pain who doesn’t let him do that. His kids are still small and in a couple of years this won’t be an issue. And he’s putting them first which is depressingly uncommon in these situations.

Honestly my husband could be a bit of a pain about this when mine were small and it just made me roll my eyes tbh.

Love the fact the kids sleep “in the spare room” and not “their bedroom” according to you. This is their home. He is their father. You are
resentful.

Don't move in together.

So you are staying at his house ? Was it their home before he split from their mother ?
Tbh I think you are being a little unreasonable . You've been with him 2 years so they were only 4 & 6 when they stopped living with there dad full time . Give them some slack about sleeping in the same room .

My kids were in and out of our bed for much longer than that. Why don't you sleep at home when hes with the children?

Just FYI, the kids don’t ‘visit’. You do.
It’s their home, not yours.

I’d suggest when they are with their dad, you spend some time in your own home. Those kids need their dad’s attention as they are going through a family split. Don’t get in the way of that.

YABU.

And yet 99% of dating profiles by single mums say "my kids will always come first". It's just the same old double standards IMO where it's OK if women do it. Like the 'escape fund'/insurance vs being financial abuse if a man hides some money.

People on here are usually pretty scathing about men that get jealous of the kids getting attention.

I don’t have children but if you are child free by choice, why would you want to get into a relationship with someone that has them? Of course the children are going to come first.