DP leaving me to sleep alone so that he can sleep with his kids

[adviceplease97]

Full prepared to be told IABU, just want some outside perspective on whether this is a normal set up.

Been with DP for two years. He has two children from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8, no SEN. I am child free by choice. Children were introduced gradually, I wasn’t the OW and we don’t live together yet just to cover all bases.

I stay with my DP nearly every night of the week but haven’t moved in yet as I feel it is too soon and I haven’t been around the kids for long enough for them to be comfortable with this. I make sure that they have 1 on 1 time with their father and give them space when they visit.

My issue is that whenever the kids stay (60/40 split) I wake up and my DP isn’t in bed, rather he’s in the spare room sleeping with both of the kids.

This happens about 90% of the time that the kids are at my DP’s house. It doesn’t bother me massively but I would obviously rather wake up next to my DP.

AIBU that by the ages of 6 and 8 children should be sleeping in their own beds most of the time unaccompanied by their father? As I’m not a parent I’m not sure if this is a reasonable expectation.

Where are you getting negative from that??

I literally said he sounds like a good one in the next sentence.

So true.

My kids are 6 and 8 and one of them invariably ends up getting into our bed during the night. Obviously this is not appropriate with you. So the alternative is for him to go in their room. Many children of this age still need their parents during the night and they’ve been through their parents divorcing and need to know that their dad is there for them. You have him all night on his non-contact nights. You sound a bit like a petulant jealous child to be honest. If you cannot cope with his kids coming first (day and night) then you should date someone without kids.

Oh Jesus Christ I’ve just read this bit

”DP and I agree that the children do not always ‘come first’.”

Did he really agree to that?!! Sorry to break it to you, but his kids will always trump you.

He sounds like an excellent Dad. How old are you, OP? Hopefully a lot older than 8! If 6 and 8 are old enough to sleep alone, so are you ;)

Yabu - nothing wrong with him putting his children’s needs above yours, that’s how it should be. Maybe they need a bit of extra comfort right now - 6 and 8 isn’t as old as you are thinking imo.

End it. This relationship isn’t right for you.

you never know what curveballs life is going to throw you when parenting. Even if your child has consistently slept in their own bed for years, things can change. Good parents are always going to meet their child’s needs. There is no age limit and there is no time limit.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I think it is very odd for a father to be sleeping every night in a bed with children of 6 and 8. We all make our choices about what we’re comfortable with. I would not be comfortable with this at all.

They won’t be kids forever and they won’t want their dad to comfort them in the night forever. He’s being a good parent and putting their needs first.

The first rule you need to learn as a potential step parents and starting a relationship with someone who has children is that you come second in the pecking order the majority of the time. The kids are the most important people in this situation and they didn’t choose to have their parents split, have to live in two houses and have new step parents introduced into their lives.

My children are 8 and 12 and every weekend we will have one night where they take it in turns to sleep with me. I absolutely love falling asleep with my children, having them cuddle up to whilst they sleep and then waking up next to them - there’s nothing more natural to me than wanting to have my children near me in this kind of way….. it’s just a natural parenting instinct or primal desire I think.

I imagine your partner misses them very much and if I only saw my children on a 60:40 arrangement I’d probably want to sleep with them every night they were with me too!

You’re there all the time OP whereas they aren’t- so just let this go and let him have his nights with his children. It won’t last forever - not that my nearly 12 year old is showing any signs of wanting to stop our sleepovers 🤣

He sounds like a wonderful and loving father so don’t try and take these precious moments away from him, and instead just enjoy having the end to yourself!!!

This is so very true! I remember getting in with one of my parents even in adulthood after an awful time, and I’m currently laying with my almost 12 year old right now after he was threatened with the use of a knife a few days ago. Parents are their children’s safe space, regardless of age.

OP I am a mother. I have a lot more experience of kids than you do but I would still never tell another person how to parent.

This is something you have to learn to live with.

I know parents who sleep in a bed with much older kids (one with their 16yo) and although I don’t agree it is their kids and their choices.

If it wasn't for the divorcees you, then I'd say yeah, why are you going into the kids bedroom and sleeping with them every night, that seems unusual at this age.

But obviously there are other things involved here, they've had disruption they've had a big shake up in their lives, and I think it's charming that he's putting the kids needs first, I'm sure you don't love that he's putting the kids above you but that just shows that he's a devoted father who conform strong relationships, strong family bonds.

This won’t last forever and better than them coming in with you I guess? Just get a lie in

So cruel. Wtf is wrong with people on here. Suggesting I resent his children. Suggesting I will be an evil step-mum. Some of these comments have actually brought me to tears.

I have made it exceptionally clear that I care deeply for my partner and his children. Their safety and security in the home will ALWAYS come first. However, in rudimentary choices such as what we are having for dinner or where we go on holiday yes, the adults decide. How anyone could have interpreted that in any other way is beyond me.

I do not have children and so I have no idea what milestones and routines are normal for kids of this age. Turns out it’s normal for them all to sleep in the same bed, now I know! I was asking a question out of curiosity and wanted to know if other people had the same set up. If my partner wants to do that until they’re 16 I couldn’t care less, I was asking a question!

Why has this turned into a massive pile on and accusations of me resenting children that I very much care for?

I sit and do homework with these kids. I make their favourite meals and teach them to bake. They draw me pictures when I’m not around. The kids have asked to have matching PJ’s with me this Christmas. They feel very safe and cared for in my presence.

Some people are incredibly cruel and bold behind a screen.

Don't make an issue of it. I slept in my daughter's bed up until she was 10 because she got scared at night. My husband used to moan and I hated him for it. Also it's far better than having the kids in your bed

Ps I don't think you're being an evil stepmother. Trust me I've been there

My 8 year old still comes into our bed when he wakes in the night, doesn't strike me as odd.

Thank you. This is the sort of insight I was looking for.

I don’t think you’re an evil stepmum but I think being a stepparent is incredibly difficult and something that will not get easier for many years.

You don’t get a say and that can be very difficult to deal with.

I personally wouldn’t date a man with young kids as I don’t have young kids myself.

If I had no kids like you, I am not sure I would choose to date a man who had kids.

You obviously love him and them but this is something you’re going to have to learn to keep quiet about.