DP leaving me to sleep alone so that he can sleep with his kids

[adviceplease97]

Full prepared to be told IABU, just want some outside perspective on whether this is a normal set up.

Been with DP for two years. He has two children from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8, no SEN. I am child free by choice. Children were introduced gradually, I wasn’t the OW and we don’t live together yet just to cover all bases.

I stay with my DP nearly every night of the week but haven’t moved in yet as I feel it is too soon and I haven’t been around the kids for long enough for them to be comfortable with this. I make sure that they have 1 on 1 time with their father and give them space when they visit.

My issue is that whenever the kids stay (60/40 split) I wake up and my DP isn’t in bed, rather he’s in the spare room sleeping with both of the kids.

This happens about 90% of the time that the kids are at my DP’s house. It doesn’t bother me massively but I would obviously rather wake up next to my DP.

AIBU that by the ages of 6 and 8 children should be sleeping in their own beds most of the time unaccompanied by their father? As I’m not a parent I’m not sure if this is a reasonable expectation.

What sex are the dc? Is there something making you feel uncomfortable about all 3 of them sleeping in a double bed together? Do they all sleep together when you aren’t there?

I have the same thing except I have to sleep in the spare room when his kids are around because they will sleep in his bed and he'll sleep on a mattress next to them.
We're supposed to move in together soon and I'm not sure how it's going to work because I won't be changing rooms every other night.

What happens when you stay over there now? Have you discussed what will happen when you move in?

Sorry - saw you said you sleep in the spare room. How do they sleep when you aren’t there?

I think people accept that children come first, but when my generation were young, children had their own rooms so you may not know that your children will sleep in their dad's bed/he in their bedroom.

They sleep in their dad's room whether I'm there or not. If I'm there I'm in the spare room. They sleep in their mother's room at their mother's house I think.

I'm surprised by it because nobody did that when I was a child. Small children went to their parents' bed on a Saturday morning or something or the mother slept in their room when they were ill, but every night with a parent was a surprise for me.

When we live together, it will be somewhere else and DP says they'll have their own room. It would be a first for them I think.

Yes. When I was 7, Mum was hospitalised in an attempt to save a pregnancy. (I didn't know about the pregnancy - just knew that ladies sometimes had to go to hospital.)

I stayed with an aunt and uncle during the week but was back with Dad at the weekend. I frequently slept with Dad at that time.

I think you are being a little unreasonable. The kids are not there every night but you are. You already spend full nights with him. The kids don't get to see him all the time. I think it's lovely that he sleeps in with them, sounds like he really loves his kids.

It’s none of my business op but your dp is expecting his dc to cope with you moving in, a new house and their sleeping arrangements to change all at the same time? Especially as they sleep with their mum when with her. That doesn’t have success written anywhere on it.

I'm not the OP. I will suggest to him that maybe I have a fixed room and he can be the one to change rooms in the new place.

Sorry yes - I didn’t mean to call you the op. The rest of my post still stands though. You want to ensure that the dc don’t feel negative towards you with all the changes - and it’s up to your dp to navigate that and not throw his dc in the deep end

I think the problem is if these were your children you would be taking turns comforting them and they would also be seeking comfort from you so it would not be an issue and honestly as a mum you would always be putting them first no matter what, without a second thought, the fact you said you agreed this would not be the case with your partner is a huge red flag.

Yes the kids and their needs for their situation should come first.
if you didn’t want kids a man with kids is kinda not the right relationship for you.
If a 6/8 year old “should” be able to sleep alone why can’t you?

I think its always difficult for a new partner following a divorce TBH.You sound very respectful of him .However his kids will always come first.If you remain child free I assume by choice?Will be easier if maybe you sleep at home when kids stay over .You can still see him when they are nor there .RL including children are complicated .

They need him more than you do.

Why not just leave them alone and stay home? Their contact time is meant for family bonding, not hanging out with dad’s girlfriend. Just get together on days he doesn’t have the kids.

Agree x
He probably just misses them

There's just something in your tone and language in regards to these kids, which suggests you do resent them. 'Making sure' their dad spends time with them and saying the kids are not always first. I can't quite put my finger on it.
I hope their dad realises this before your wedding as i definitely think you need more time together as a family. Why the rush to get married? The kids are obviously not secure if he is sleeping beside them 90% and you are not happy with his decision. Do you think putting a ring on it will make everyone's unhappiness disappear? Slow down and get to know each other.

I wondered that too@Sunfloweranddaisy

You say you just want to know whether this is normal. Why do you want to know? If people said it wasn't normal, would you use that as a bargaining chip to force your fiance to change his ways?

Why not just ask him if it's normal? He's the parent here. He should be able to tell you.

It's normal. Especially for children who's family has broken up. It's also normal for other children at various points in their lives.
You are child free by choice and I get the sense you don't like children.

DP and I agree that the children do not always ‘come first...
not spoiled and entitled with their every will and desire catered to.

Being a step mother is much harder than being a parent and I think this man is making a mistake to marry you.

" the children do not always ‘come first...
not spoiled and entitled with their every will and desire catered to."

That opinion was the majority one until very, very recently and doesn't mean the OP doesn't like children.

"Why not just ask him if it's normal? "

How would he know what's normal outside his own little family?

You're not CFBC if you're with this man.
You're expecting this man to have the virtues of a CFBC partnership whilst also parenting young children.
These two things are not compatible.
You need to figure out if you are truly CFBC (in which case, this isn't the relationship for you), or, embrace being a (decent) step mother.
You can't be somewhere in the middle and have a long lasting, happy relationship. It just won't work.
Speaking as someone happily CFBC.

“This is a sign of the type of man he is, he puts his kids first and always will.”

And you say that as a negative?
Unbelievable