DP leaving me to sleep alone so that he can sleep with his kids

[adviceplease97]

Full prepared to be told IABU, just want some outside perspective on whether this is a normal set up.

Been with DP for two years. He has two children from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8, no SEN. I am child free by choice. Children were introduced gradually, I wasn’t the OW and we don’t live together yet just to cover all bases.

I stay with my DP nearly every night of the week but haven’t moved in yet as I feel it is too soon and I haven’t been around the kids for long enough for them to be comfortable with this. I make sure that they have 1 on 1 time with their father and give them space when they visit.

My issue is that whenever the kids stay (60/40 split) I wake up and my DP isn’t in bed, rather he’s in the spare room sleeping with both of the kids.

This happens about 90% of the time that the kids are at my DP’s house. It doesn’t bother me massively but I would obviously rather wake up next to my DP.

AIBU that by the ages of 6 and 8 children should be sleeping in their own beds most of the time unaccompanied by their father? As I’m not a parent I’m not sure if this is a reasonable expectation.

They have their own bedrooms but sleep in the double bed in the spare room. So yes, they sleep in the spare room. So much nastiness on MN now, never used to be like this.

Because we are getting married next year and I need to integrate into the home. Don’t think it would be great for the kids if their new step mum just rocked up one day without any prior relationship.

The way you speak about his kids is pretty telling of your attitude towards them 😬

He isn't in ' the spare room ' he's in his kids bedroom.

They aren't ' visiting'. They live with him pretty much 50% of the time.

He's prioritising their needs over you and he always will because it sounds like he puts their welfare first. If you can't handle that and the implications it has on you it may be time to either back off a little and stop staying there so often or decide the set up isn't for you and walk away.

In the same way as with any mum his DC should be his first priority.

What a great dad he is. DS sleeps in with me and ex whe he’s there. Totally normal for us.

Absolutely this. It’s too soon to live together but you’re sleeping there almost every night.

Maybe you need to give him more time with his kids without you being there. And ho home some nights that they’re staying with him.

To reply to some comments:

DP and I agree that the children do not always ‘come first’. In terms of big life decisions and their safety yes, of course they come first. However, we are both adults with our own wants and needs in life and so the feelings of everyone in the household are considered equally. This has worked brilliantly for us and the kids. There is nothing wrong with having some boundaries and it means that they are developing into lovely young people and not spoiled and entitled with their every will and desire catered to.

I never mentioned that I had a problem with the bed sharing, please re-read my OP. I came onto MN to ask if this is a normal arrangement. It sounds like it is, so that’s my question answered.

Again, to posters asking why I don’t scurry back to my house at the weekend please re-read my OP. The kids have plenty of alone time with their father but when I’m not there they ask where I am and ask me to join.

Thanks for those who replied with normal and insightful comments. Always a MN pile on when it comes to relationships post separation with kids.

If you are child free by choice, why are you marrying someone with children? That you already resent?

Back off. Use your own home when they are with their dad. Build a relationship with them slowly, then see how you feel.

With a potential sm on the horizon , I'm beginning to feel sorry for them .
Get some humility , his children should be more important to him than you are .

Humility ( noun ) the quality of having a modest view of ones self importance or value

Yes this. It makes no sense

I stay with my DP nearly every night of the week but haven’t moved in yet as I feel it is too soon and I haven’t been around the kids for long enough for them to be comfortable with this

This makes no sense to me. If you feel moving in is too soon then why are you sleeping over when their sleeping over? I don't believe you'd be jumping up and leaving first thing in the morning either so I assume your around when their eating breakfast ect?

He sounds like a decent father if he's putting his kids first. If your not happy with this you need to leave because these sort of relationships only ever go two ways amd if your feeling a certain way this early on......

OP, if this will continue to bother you, then you need greater clarity on what a permanent life with this man will be like. He is already a father and children and their needs always come first. Every kid is different, but it doesn't seem that unusual for children of that age to still sleep in their parents' bed, or want their parents to sleep with them/hold their hand or lie next to them when they fall asleep. This really is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of having children. If you're unsure about this, it would seem you perhaps need more time before deciding to get married.

This post is a bit confusing. You say you haven’t moved in because it feels too soon for the kids, yet you’re planning to marry their father next year. Those two things don’t quite line up.

As for whether the arrangement is “normal”, that’s irrelevant. What matters is whether it works for you and whether it’s what your partner actually wants. If you’re not comfortable with the set-up, you need to talk to him and agree something that suits you both. If you can’t have that conversation, getting married might be premature.

You’ve also said you don’t actually have an issue with the arrangement, which makes the purpose of the post unclear.

If you're child free by choice, I wondering why you are going to marry someone with two children? I've never wanted children and can't imagine settling down with someone who has them, because I don't want to be a step parent either! I wish you luck but I've known this go badly wrong because the child free partner wanted a different type of life than the life that necessarily comes with children.

His kids come first. This is absolutely a green flag in a dad.

One of the reasons though that getting together with a man with dependent children may not be wise.

They have been through trauma with their parents' breakup. They need more reassurance and security than they would otherwise.

And your own presence may be unsettling - they probably don't feel entirely at ease with you, plus you're the reminder that they'll never be a family again.

Probably he and they feel the easiest way to provide that security is by him being a reassuring presence in the dark when they're away from home and mum.

Of course you want his undivided attention. You won't get it. And shouldn't expect to receive it. He has duties.

You're child free by choice. You're now contemplating close involvement with tweens then adolescents and teens that aren't yours. There may be trouble ahead because they are going to needing his attention a lot more over the next ten years or so, and I think your resentment is only just beginning.

My honest advice would be to postpone the wedding. To when the youngest is independent.

This - but perhaps also, given the kids are clearly not adjusting so well to you being in their home when they visit, perhaps don’t stay over so much during their contact time?

If the current situation troubles you, I wonder if you've thought about the possibility of the kids one day deciding they want to live with dad full time, or one of them becoming such a pain when they're a teenager that mum sends them to live with their dad, or the kids having health or other problems that require dp to be utterly focused on them...or any of the other million things that will at some point disrupt the current arrangement and mean that you are (quite rightly) less of a priority? It just doesn't sound like you understand what you're getting into!

I have never once said that I resented the kids, what an evil thing to say. I love and care for them and their safety and comfort is my priority when they are here with us. I have never tried to dissuade anyone from the current sleeping arrangements, I was only asking if it was normal!

At 6 and 8 I don't think you should be there almost every night they are anyway.

edit- if you haven't known the children long enough to move in (which is right), how have you known them long enough to marry their dad next year?

If you're so sure you're right why have you asked for anyone else's opinion?

This x 1000.

Being childfree means spending all your money and time on yourself and your partner, lazy mornings in bed, sex when you want…

Being a stepparent is the opposite of this, without the unconditional love. Surely if anything it’s worse than being a parent for someone who wants to be childfree?

Why?

Given the age of the children it's pretty normal my 6 year old ends up in bed with us a few times a week.

If the kids are waking he probably finds it easier to go through and not disturb you. Just ask him if he ends up there as the kids wake.

I think your reading too much into him not waking in the morning - settling the kids does come first.
A favourite saying for parents is its not forever and will pass.

You make sure he has ‘one on one time’ with his kids…how big of you
they are his kids, they are young and maybe just don’t stay when they are there? You chose a man with children, he sounds like a good dad and putting his kids first. In their own home, where you are a guest. Hopefully he continues to put his children first…

I would obviously rather wake up next to my DP

They might also rather wake up next to dad, especially as:

As children they have fewer choices compared to you

You sleep next to him 60% of the week, they don’t

They might be unsettled.

It’s not unusual, but even if it was the issue would be getting them to sleep alone, not a choice between your and their preferences.

Well…yes? I make sure that they have one on one time? Some of the crazy people on here will find issue with everything you say. So strange.