I always have to do my dad’s Christmas shopping

[AlwaysTheEldestDaughter]

Every year. Without fail. It’s to the point now I have his card saved on my Amazon for this reason.

He just doesn’t care. He never comes up with gift ideas himself, he never looks for anything my mum might like. He just asks me what she’s asked for and I order it, wrap it, and he gets the credit.

It’s infuriating to me. He never knows what he’s getting her until she unwraps it. But if I don’t do it, he will get angry at me and say I’m being difficult. So I do it, because it’s easier for me and it means my mum gets something.

AIBU to just be really fed up? He never asks my brothers to do it, only me.

You don't HAVE to do it, you're choosing to do it - you can say no. If he's angry, so what? If he doesn't get your mum a present, that's on him - presumably he's capable of going into a shop and buying something? I would tell him you're not doing it this year and to get off his arse and do it. Buy your mum lots of nice presents from you!

Your dad is an abusive twat. Does your mum condone the awful things that he says to you.

Can you move out of your parents' home to get away from your horrible dad? Living at home gives him power over you.

I do this for my dad - he does some himself and some he asks me to help with. But my dad is not an abusive arsehole. There is no way I’d do anything for someone that called me a bitch or a fat cow. You deserve so much better OP. Buy something thoughtful for your mum yourself and stop there. Don’t let him treat you like this.

Your mum does not deserve gifts if she is enabling this shitty behaviour, she married him, let her deal with lack of presents

Harsh but probably fair.

Your DM doesn't defend you when he says these horrible things to you. You said she just stands there awkwardly.

And she obviously knows you are doing all the work for him in providing a wrapped gift so she is colluding with his behaviour. Please tell me she doesn't thank him for it and pretend it is own work! I bet your DM has always done all of the presents shopping from them so she has just accepted this as women's work and is allowing him to push it on to you.

Would be interested to know:

• Did he buy her a gift before you were old enough to do it for him?
• Do your brothers do their own gift buying?

If I don’t do it, he’ll get angry and my mum won’t get any Christmas gifts. It’s not fair to her.

Would you think it fair for your partner to pressure/ manipulate your child to do something he’s too lazy to do? It takes two to create the dynamic between you and your father, you are not protecting your mother (she already knows he’s a knob) you’re just enabling your father.

The balls in your court because he won’t change.

Get her a really nice expensive present and something for yourself

I had a similar problem and solved it by taking him shopping in real life. It was a chance for us both to do some Christmas shopping and we had lunch out together too. I took him to the nearest city rather than a town and we did it early enough in the season for it not to be impossibly busy. It took longer than just buying something on line and wrapping it, but it was quality time together.

Then your mum will presumably get angry with your dad, which is probably what needs to happen.

You are being unreasonable to carry on doing it!!!

he can buy stuff online which he can then pay extra for them wrapping it!!

Did you miss the anger and verbal abuse?

You've got a vicious tongued father, that's for sure. Does he treat you like that all year round?

I can see why you take the easy route. But things won't change until you move out, if you don't stop now.

Any plans to leave the family home?

No, you don't have to do such a thing.
Believe me.

I know what you mean OP. After my Mum died I ended up not only doing my own Christmas shopping but also that of my 80 year old dad and 83 year old, and in nursing home, aunt. It amounted to nearly 40 presents and I couldn't be bothered to look for something for myself from them.

I also had to sort food for Christmas Day as well, which I then had to transport 200 mile to where they lived or they would have been on their own. I had lists everywhere.

And people couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy Christmas.

My dad got me to do this for my mum as a young teenager. Bloody cheeky but I didn’t know any different. He was very ‘this is why I had daughters’ He once said “Your mother is a good housekeeper” when I asked them to get me some loo roll when I was newly postpartum. If he hadn’t died first I would absolutely been his skivvy. Women cleaned and cooked and listened while the men talked. I love him but fucks sake, he was a dinosaur.

I’m fairly certain your mother would forego a gift if she knows your father is a prick to you about it.

Well anger isn't an argument, is it? So he gets angry, so what? Have you considered getting angry at him? Sounds like it's time this dynamic changed.

There must be other things you do for him. Maybe tell him if he doesn't get DM a nice present himself, you won't do them.

Are you so sure he won't anyway though, if you don't? I mean, what's he going to do, just sit there on Xmas morning and tell his wife he didn't get her anything? He's got you well trained to think it won't happen if you don't do it, but have you actually put this to the test?

Other option: kick the job to one of your brothers. Tell your dad, then tell the brother. They can sort out what happens next between them.

Men like this will treat women as doormats for as long as women let them. It's your choice whether you stop it.

How old are you? When will you able to move out? This sounds like my abusive father. As I got older I moved from fear, to indifference, to anger and now we have no contact but that is easy as my parents eventually divorced.

No is a full sentence. His attitude is abusive and your mum soubds equally as horrible for letting it continue.