I always have to do my dad’s Christmas shopping

[AlwaysTheEldestDaughter]

Every year. Without fail. It’s to the point now I have his card saved on my Amazon for this reason.

He just doesn’t care. He never comes up with gift ideas himself, he never looks for anything my mum might like. He just asks me what she’s asked for and I order it, wrap it, and he gets the credit.

It’s infuriating to me. He never knows what he’s getting her until she unwraps it. But if I don’t do it, he will get angry at me and say I’m being difficult. So I do it, because it’s easier for me and it means my mum gets something.

AIBU to just be really fed up? He never asks my brothers to do it, only me.

Honestly OP just stop. Your parents' marriage dynamics are not your responsibility.

How is your relationship with your dad in general? Is he kind and respectful to you? Does he help you out with stuff? If so then I’d help him out, if not, then don’t.

I was going to suggest @FlowersInPots Option 3 as well. Mum gets a present, dad pays, you get the credit.

I thought you were my dd, she does this for her df too although I don't think it annoys her too much. He's my exh but when we were together I shopped for his gifts for his family too or they would have received nothing or something rubbish. Dd would tell him if she was sick of it I imagine she's not afraid to speak up.

Do it this year, but have a strong word with him after Christmas and tell him you're not doing again, AND TELL HIM WHY.
Don't enable his pathetic attitude, basically.

As a teenager my Dad would sometimes give me money and tell me to buy something for Mum. But it was the 80s, we lived rurally, he only asked me if I was going into town anyway, he told me what to buy and he wrapped it (and it was usually a secondary present, a bottle of perfume or something to go alongside his main present to her).

YANBU, It's annoying for you that your Dad has a very gendered view of present buying but the one who will suffer will be your Mum because he will no doubt buy her something shit, if at all. Like you say, at least this way she gets something nice.

You could compromise by ordering the gifts, paying for giftwrap (on his card) and having them delivered to his home. Very quick for you and no hassle wrapping and taking them round.

My dad has been doing this for thirty years. He is now retired - loads of time on his hands and still expects all his Christmas shopping done for him. He gets snappy about the whole thing - don’t spend too much!

what’s worse is every year as my mum is opening her gift from him he asks me and my sister how much he owes us!

YABU to do it. At least tell your mother the truth about what's going on so you get the credit.

Yes to letting him get angry and then let the cat out the bag 😬

He won’t wrap them.

Every year I try to push back and every year it ends in the same argument, with me being called a spoilt little bitch because she does so much for me and I can’t just do this one thing for her?

She’ll get them from other people, won’t she?

Do you live at home?

My dad was similar but to my sister and I. When my mum was alive he wouldn’t know what he’d got us, then after she died he would give me his card and I’d have to buy and wrap his presents to my sister. He would get my sister to buy my presents and get his wife (or his staff!) to wrap my presents. I think it is weaponised incompetence mixed with not caring. If my dad was still alive I wouldn’t stand for it anymore, I’d buy the other person what I think they’d like from me, and he would have to deal with the consequences of making someone sad/disappointed that he couldn’t be bothered to get them anything

You could ask your mum - in front of your dad! - what she wants from your dad this Christmas, so you can get on and organise it?

My DH used to do this to our DD. One year she bought me something really expensive that I had admired. He keeps saying that was way too expensive. How is that my fault you bought it darling.

Accidentally add a card inside the wrapping saying “to the best mum in the world”

I’d be doing fuck all for someone who calls me a bitch. Except maybe ordering all of my gifts using his card. Whoops.

Do you want a solution or sympathy?

Why do you let him talk to you like that?

Don't do it. My uncle did my widowed g'dads Christmas shopping (he was in his late 80s andc90s ) but made it simple - everyone got the same thing, a nice box of chocs.

Surely your mum is aware that he isn't buying or wrapping them ?

I've got to the stage recently of realising that a lot of what i do is people pleasing. I've started calling people out on it.

It’s not for her, except in sustaining the lie that he cares enough to buy her a present. It’s for him, because he can’t be arsed.

If you really can’t say no to him, I like the idea of sabotaging it but by buying something extravagant.

I know this will sound really glib but as you don’t want to stop because that would mean your mum would miss out, try looking at it differently. Almost erase from your mind his laziness and that he thinks it’s ok to use you as his personal shopper and not your brothers. And that he has so little regard for your mum that he doesn’t bother. Decide you are doing it as a treat for your mum. With a husband and sons who don’t care, probably misogynists that effort from you might mean a lot.

I'm guessing from your username that you have siblings who aren't asked to do this ?