I always have to do my dad’s Christmas shopping

[AlwaysTheEldestDaughter]

Every year. Without fail. It’s to the point now I have his card saved on my Amazon for this reason.

He just doesn’t care. He never comes up with gift ideas himself, he never looks for anything my mum might like. He just asks me what she’s asked for and I order it, wrap it, and he gets the credit.

It’s infuriating to me. He never knows what he’s getting her until she unwraps it. But if I don’t do it, he will get angry at me and say I’m being difficult. So I do it, because it’s easier for me and it means my mum gets something.

AIBU to just be really fed up? He never asks my brothers to do it, only me.

Where has this been all my life? Wrapping gifts is my least favourite thing ever

Is he retired op ? Any issues using IT or going to the shops?

I have bought my dads Christmas gifts to my mum for the last 20 years! He’s still working at gone 75 but just doesn’t know what she’d like. Works better this way. Going into shops would be his worst nightmare.

our relationship is give and take though! He does me lots of favours too! More than I do for him! So I have zero complaints over the situation

I used to do that because I loved both parents and wanted to make sure my mum had some gifts on Christmas morning.

In fairness he sometimes had some ideas, little flashes of genius, just not very often.

Amazon and most stores offer a wrapping service

Why does he expect you to do it?

Good God woman, she picked him, she is an adult, perfectly able to deal with the consequences of her choices. And your grown arse misogynist father can have his impotent tantrum, so what? You need to stop caring so much, they are meant to be your parents, not the other way around!

How about starting a group chat with you Dad and brothers, with the first message saying sometHing like “As mum does so much for us all I thought it would be nice for us to share in making her Christmas special. This year it would be great if we could all get her something she’s asked for: ‘list of thing’ . Let’s keep the discussion here so we can remember who’s getting what’

I do all my Dads, but he pays me to do it. Ask for reimbursement. Or say you dont mind doing it but it will cost ......
When he starts with the insults say to him and that's going to make me want to help you? Don't match anger with anger or insults with insults, you get nowhere. If he carries on being horrible, make sure you have the conversation in front of your Mum and say it's your choice Dad, either be kind and grateful or do it yourself, if he starts say, sorry Mum I guess Dad doesn't care enough 🤷‍♀️ And walk out, that way you aren't refusing, you have said you will help, he just needs to not be an arse.

This. Start caring much less. Make different choices. It's liberating. Your mother knows who she married. She also knows you're doing all the shopping, even if she doesn't say. Is that fair of her to put on you?

You don't have to do anything.

How old are you? You need to get out of that house and have some peace from such a toxic family dynamic.

I am a lone voice on this thread I think. I would continue to do it just to keep the peace and because you love your mum. I am not a completely disinterested party. My two sons do this for me for my 4 teenage grandchildren. I also did it for my DM and my MiL.

You do realize he's being really nasty to you? And your mum is failing you as well for letting him speak to you like this.

Why can't he do it himself? I could understand if he had some sort of disability, but I can't otherwise. And the fact that you've said you don't want to do it and he's bullying you into it is awful.

does your mum think he chooses and buys the gifts himself? I would tell him in plants of time that you’re not doing it this year. Maybe give him a couple of ideas of things she’s mentioned she’d like but tell him you’re not buying them and be firm. He might sulk but that’s tough.

Are you my daughter? 🤣
Every year my hubby and daughter have a shopping day as he never knows what to get me, even though I have dropped major hints throughout the year that I would like x,y or z. It's kind of become a family and friend's joke now but it is frustrating as I feel he doesn't really know me. At least he goes with her though and doesn't just give her his card, that would infuriate me.

Let him get angry. Tell your mum that you are quitting this job you never wanted, tell your brothers too, and just walk away from it all.

this isn’t your problem to fix.

No, you don't.

So how did he manage when you were a child? Presumably you weren’t scrolling through Amazon for him then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Presumably your mum knows she's married to a useless arsehole? I'd also put money on the fact that she knows it's you who has been buying the gifts all this time.

That being said, you've got 2 options as I see it.

1: Stop buying the presents. Tell your dad you're not doing it any longer. Email or text him if that's easier. If he gets pissed off and/or your mum doesn't get anything... well, other peoples relationships aren't really any of your concern. Really though, who is he going to get angry with? You? So what. Your mum? Because he didn't get her any gifts? That makes zero sense.
2: Continue as you are, but re-frame it mentally as "doing it for mum". Do it because you know it'll make her happy. If you're a little bit of a bitch (which I would be), on all the gift tags, I'd put "To Jane, love from Phil and AlwaysThe". Alternatively, put a little note on everything INSIDE the wrapping. Got her a book? Write, "To Mum, love AlwaysThe". Smellies? Pop a similar note on!

You need to make this the last Christmas you do this. Move out. Say no to his requests and then as you aren’t in the same house, you just don’t have to deal with it.

If you are living at home I would continue doing this but use it as motivation to save up and move out.

Well that's not your issue is it, she chose to marry him and chooses to stay with him. I used to do this for my dad because I felt sorry for my mum. You aren't doing it for your mum, you are doing it so you don't have the awful feeling of sadness inside. You are thinking you can control others emotions, you can't.

Yes, I’m at home.

This is increasingly the issue with a lot of problems on here. Adult child doesn't like the things their parents are doing/saying/telling them which to most of us, we would say, 'so? Just ignore it' but because the adult child is still living under their parents' roof and are being financially supported by them, so it's much more difficult.

Moving out and ignoring him and just buying your mum what you think she's like (from you) would be best going forwards!

When your dad says you should be grateful for all the things your mum does for you, what exactly does he mean?

But you aren't doing it for her, you are doing it for him. Why do you let him abuse you? Do you need him financially?

He sounds horrible. I was suggesting you order from somewhere that offers gift wrapping. Or let him give the presents unwrapped? I understand you wanting your mum to have presents but can't imagine she doesn't know how unpleasant he is, so it won't be a shock to realise you were wrapping them all this time.
Does your mum need help to leave him?

Do you need him financially?

As the OP still lives at home, I'm presuming that is the case.