To find nursery questions annoying

[Traballi]

Dh has a friend 'John' who he met 10 years ago at work.

John and his partner 'Mary' meet up with us every 6 months or so.

We have 3 year old DC and theirs is a year younger, aged 2.

They chose not to put DC in nursery as Mary's mum moved in with them and is pretty much a live in nanny so can cover them while working and give them a night off whenever they want.

My DC has been in nursery since 8-9 months.

Mary doesn't agree with nursery before age 2 and I've noticed each time we meet she always asks 'Remind me what age your DC started nursery again?' 'How many hours a day is she in nursery?' And observes DC a as if scanning for signs of damage.

We don't see them that often and I got on with John long before Mary was around on the scene but I find the questions/ judgement so annoying.

I know many on MN agree with Mary and yes in an ideal world we'd do nursery later but DC is doing well and we don't have live-in family help like they do.

Women like Mary are why I avoid mum friends in general as can't stand the judgement you get from women who think they are superior mothers.

I wouldn't spend a lot of time with Mary...

just stop seeing her. Life is too short for condescending idiots. Let dh see his friend by himself, make your excuses and do something more fun instead

I’d suggest that instead of the family meet ups DH goes out for a drink with John or does something (anything) that doesn’t involve you having to spend time with Mary

“Mary we chose to you a nursery because we didn’t feel comfortable using my mother as a glorified nanny”
should shut her up for a while

Thankfully I don't have to, in an ideal world I'd avoid her completely but DH values John's friendship and loves they have kids of a similar age now

Mary seems lacking in critical thought.

I'd be tempted to tell her you are researching nurseries that take from birth and boarding schools from Reception

Why are you letting her talk to you like that? Take her snarky questions and match them with spicy rude.

'Remind me again at what age DD started again?'

Reply 1. 'No, I have told you several times and your inability to retain information about our daughter is boring'

Reply 2. 'Oh not this again. You need a different focus Mary, this obsession with a nursery you don't attend is making you repetitive'

You could just ask Mary to stop these comments because you feel critisised. You could add that to you it seems unfair to expect an older woman to have such a restrictive and tiring lifestyl as her mum, , but there we go, nothing is perfect.

"When are you planning on getting your daughter tested for memory issues, since you seem to struggle so much with yours and these things can be hereditary?"

Hahahahahaha!! 🤣 🤣🤣
Fucking brilliant!!!!

Glad you don't see Mary that often.

The two blokes can take their kids (and MIL) out for a lovely morning activity somewhere and leave you in peace. Life’s too short to hang around with Mary.

She sounds annoying.

Most of my "Mum friends" are totally normal, non judgemental women who just happen to have kids and have to use paid childcare though.

I would avoid her, but otherwise lead with how much your paren̈ts are enjoying all the fun things they get to do in their retirement now they have freedom which they absolutelydeserve, how much they enjoy seeing your child out of choice rather than obligation.

I am of same perspective as Mary with regards to my own children, but appreciate that others make different choices, other don't have the privilege of choice but above all, that I have absolutely no right to comment on any one else's choice.

This! You don't have to put up with this.

I'd answer that you gave birth, had a quick cuddle, then sent the child to nursery directly from the hospital.

Lots of us sent the baby to nursery at 8/9 months. A year off isn't realistic for many if you aren't getting paid at all for the last 3 months.

I would think of ways to annoy her. Talk about all the messages they do at nursery which you don't need to. Say it is so important a mum keeps her independence....
These mums will never understand how to behave.

"2 years, why do you ask?"
"Do you have a reason for asking?"

This is the answer.

Mary sounds like an insufferable twat.

But if it works for you then own it and move on, you seem to have more issues about nursery than she does you are the one worried about it, you only to convince yourself your choice of nursery is right for you

People seem to convince others are judgemental but you seem to be yourself

"Haven't we had this conversation before?" And move on.

No I'd say that applies to Mary actually. Mary is worried she's made the wrong decision so she's looking for reassurance hoping that op's child seems to be suffering at nursery.

I've actually drifted apart from a mum friend who was like this about my choice of school for my dd (private school, all-girls). Constantly asking "how's your dd getting on at school", but then when I say a hint of anything negative eg "she's sometimes reluctant to go in" or "she's finding the phonics a big learning curve" then she'd pounce on that with things like "that's shocking considering how much you're paying" etc etc. Like she was pleased if my dd found anything hard.

I finally called her out on it and said "it seems like you're a bit prejudiced against private schools" and she said proudly that she was. Sure, fair enough, but don't take that out on my innocent dd.

I haven't seen her since that conversation.

So you know Mary personally or do you only know the OPs version of Mary?

It does work for us but mum guilt creeps in sometimes and you question yourself. It's not helpful to have 'friends' who make you doubt and feel bad about choices. I've purposefully avoided mums like Mary elsewhere but can't avoid her