To find nursery questions annoying

[Traballi]

Dh has a friend 'John' who he met 10 years ago at work.

John and his partner 'Mary' meet up with us every 6 months or so.

We have 3 year old DC and theirs is a year younger, aged 2.

They chose not to put DC in nursery as Mary's mum moved in with them and is pretty much a live in nanny so can cover them while working and give them a night off whenever they want.

My DC has been in nursery since 8-9 months.

Mary doesn't agree with nursery before age 2 and I've noticed each time we meet she always asks 'Remind me what age your DC started nursery again?' 'How many hours a day is she in nursery?' And observes DC a as if scanning for signs of damage.

We don't see them that often and I got on with John long before Mary was around on the scene but I find the questions/ judgement so annoying.

I know many on MN agree with Mary and yes in an ideal world we'd do nursery later but DC is doing well and we don't have live-in family help like they do.

Women like Mary are why I avoid mum friends in general as can't stand the judgement you get from women who think they are superior mothers.

Good for you calling her out. I'd love to put Mary in her place but don't want to make it difficult for DH with John

Is there any chance she’s looking at your DC to compare with her own? My kids were in nursery from 9 months and they’re sociable, polite, can share and have good immune systems 🤣 When I meet 2-3 year olds who don’t go to nursery I can tell immediately (don’t come at me, SAH-crew). There’s a chance she’s not looking for signs of damage in your DC, but lack of social development in her own.

If not, and if you can’t keep your frustration in, I would talk about the wonderful things they’re doing at nursery and how pleased you are with DC’s recent [insert something here] and how wonderful it is that the nursery provides these opportunities for them.

So you're a reverse Mary

🤣 no I couldn’t give a hoot how someone else manages their childcare, but if someone judges me for sending my children to nursery and working full time I’ll stand up for myself. The decisions we’ve made are genuinely the best thing for each member of our family and I won’t have any other mum try and make me feel bad for any of it.

OP you mentioned that things like this are the reason you don’t have many mum friends… you will find your tribe. They won’t judge you for working or sending your kids to nursery. They’ll pour you a glass of wine and you’ll laugh about the nonsense in the school WhatsApp group.

Something I used to do (my DC are adults now) when this happened with dullards who just want to bend your ear comparing their kids to yours is to feed them a load of bullshit.

I used to say that my kids couldn’t do anything, they only ever watched tv and that it was pointless trying to compare because it was clear their kids were far more advanced/ genius / sporty/ tall/ accomplished - copy and paste whatever insecurities they have and feed it back to them. Some of them were bright enough to realise I was cheerfully spinning them a line because my children were perfectly normal, capable and academic high flyers.

Just because people are boring competitive dicks, you don’t have to play their game.

'She's been in nursery since she was 9 months. She loves it and her development has progressed so well as she gets so much independence from me and mixes with lots of other children. You must be so nervous about your child starting school as she isn't used to being out of the house, away from family and mixing with other children. Do you think her development is coming on as quickly without that exposure?'.

Try that! She disagrees with nursery, I disagree with full time at home. Turn it round on her.

Roll your eyes and be happy with the decisions you have made that work for your family.

It sounds like Mary isn't happy with her decisions if she's banging on about it so much.

I promise by the time they leave school you won't be able to tell which child had which early years/ childcare situation.

Is it possible that Mary is regretting having her mum move in, and may now be (secretly) considering nursery? Is she checking out your dc to see if they are doing well?

I wouldn't have the bravery to make the glorified nanny comment but I would have enough to say "Why?" And look confused.

Mary has been visiting this weekend. I made a point of showing how much progress DC has made with the alphabet at nursery (although I've been mostly teaching them that nyself tbh) John commented that it was incredible to see the skills they learn at nursery and Mary was bristling😂

I have read the thread and, while I initially felt some sympathy for the OP, it's clear the discussion has descended into a game of how to get one up on Mary. Honestly it makes the OP no better in my view. It just sounds bitchy and a bit pathetic. You don't have to justify your reasons for putting your child in nursery to anyone. And surely you don't need to exaggerate how much the nursery is helping your DD to try and make another mum feel bad. Am I missing something?

This may not be universal, but for me I realised pretty quickly that even minor differences in parenting styles can outweigh the benefit for having kids close in age. Mary sounds tedious.

Love the update.

‘You’ve made it quite clear that you don’t approve, so do please stop bringing the subject up yet again.’

You need to laugh and say I wondered when you were going to say that. My sister used to mention a story about pricking me with a pin as a child, almost every time she came to see my kids. I had enough. It was like she was asserting her dominance over me in front of my children. I said to her you say that story every time. She was embarrassed and never mentioned it again.

The examples you give of what Mary’s asked don’t sound super judgemental to me.

They’re questions I’d ask friends, and might ask each time I see them if it was only every 6 months as I wouldn’t remember. And I’m certainly not against nursery from a young age as my DC are going in even younger.

Presumably Mary has said some things in the past that have made her position on nursery clearer otherwise how would you know she doesn’t approve of it…?

Im afraid it comes across that deep down you feel guilty about using nursery from an early age and see judgement maybe when there isn’t any.

My mum provided my childcare and I remember looking at their peers who went to nursery and they always seemed to be more advanced than mine in certain areas,
particularly things like arts and crafts which my mum never did with them. (And I only VERY rarely did/do either.) And they tended to be more sociable and confident around other children, particularly so when I compared them to my eldest. None of it matters though: kids who go to nursery very young are advantaged in those ways but mine had the advantage of being with someone who loved them as much as I did. I’m happy that’s how it was for me but not everyone has the same options or same values. At the end of the day, as long as kids are well cared for and happy they’ll be ok.

Turn it back to her every time. "Why are you worried about your DD not being able to do x/ socialising/ try out new things?" If you turn it around, I bet she stops sharpish. Or just go for the dull "I don't remember".

I like how you roll 👍

DH’s parents do this sort of dickish behaviour all the time. We found what worked best (took years of angst!) was not replying at all. Ignored the question completely. We’d dash up to the loo or something to begin with. We’d also give them a rating out of 10 in our heads of how much their comment/question had pissed us off. Really moved the problem from me feeling shit to t leaving it with them. I haven’t had to bother rating them for years now. Mind you we do still see them as little as possible!

And observes DC a as if scanning for signs of damage.

you are projecting.

She might just as likely be questioning her choices, and wondering if she should start nursery, how it would work, and how to manage the transition to Primary School.

*Mary doesn't agree with nursery before age 2
can't blame her, but as her child is now 2, is it not possible she's now looking at nurseries?

If you want to be that independent, why bother having children in the first place 😂

We are fighting hard to have a year maternity leave, it's for a reason that it's needed.

’I dont feel it’s right to impose on family’.

Or seriously just tell her to Fuck Off.

I'd probably do the same in reverse.

"Oh he's so shy/ clingy isn't he? Remind me what age you are going to start letting him spend time with his peers?"

Not because I believe that- I think kids can do equally well in high quality childcare as they can with loving and supportive grandparents or parents, but because smug Mary needs taking down a few pegs.

Most of the angst about nurseries on here is misfounded on a few factors:

1. Qualifications! How could these YOUNG GIRLS know how to look after children? (Ageism and misogyny is always called out against older people, and I hardly think that most parents had even a L2 in childcare and a first aid certificate before we popped them out).
2. Misunderstanding of the statistical difference about the effect of nurseries, quoted with confidence as if they ran the studies themselves.
3. Lack of appreciation about the quality of nurseries.
4. Fears about issues at nurseries such as abuse and accidents, which are far more prevalent in the home.
5. Lack of research into personality and attachment that would indicate the difference in how some children respond to nursery (a lot of emphasis is placed on Attachment, forgetting that the second word is THEORY).
6. A lack of understanding that studies of daycare naturally can't reflect the long-term effects of the current standards of childcare provision (let alone the cultural differences of where the existing studies took place).

My colleagues (who were the lead experts on childcare provision in the Early Years project I ran) were very clear: in whatever form, for children "good enough is good enough". We don't have to be perfect or optimal for our children to thrive.