To find nursery questions annoying

[Traballi]

Dh has a friend 'John' who he met 10 years ago at work.

John and his partner 'Mary' meet up with us every 6 months or so.

We have 3 year old DC and theirs is a year younger, aged 2.

They chose not to put DC in nursery as Mary's mum moved in with them and is pretty much a live in nanny so can cover them while working and give them a night off whenever they want.

My DC has been in nursery since 8-9 months.

Mary doesn't agree with nursery before age 2 and I've noticed each time we meet she always asks 'Remind me what age your DC started nursery again?' 'How many hours a day is she in nursery?' And observes DC a as if scanning for signs of damage.

We don't see them that often and I got on with John long before Mary was around on the scene but I find the questions/ judgement so annoying.

I know many on MN agree with Mary and yes in an ideal world we'd do nursery later but DC is doing well and we don't have live-in family help like they do.

Women like Mary are why I avoid mum friends in general as can't stand the judgement you get from women who think they are superior mothers.

I am always amazed at how people are not afraid to tempt fate/jinx things? How do people not understand that through a twist of fate they could find themselves in exactly the same position? I am truly amazed - 'I would never put my dc in a nursery', 'my husband is not the cheating type', 'ND children are just badly behaved children'. Your Mary is a moron. And she is tempting fate.

Most parents can't depend on gps looking after their dc especially with the raising age of pension so they have to go to nursery.
My dgc both go to nursery and are thriving. Dgs started at 4/5months which I thought was a bit young and he caught every bug going. Dgd started at 11 months and has only brought home a few bugs and loves it. I was a SAHM and I don't think my dc suffered from it but it certainly impacted my career and pension. Just ignore her questions or keep it short and factual. Kids grow up and no one can tell if they went to nursery or not.

Reading this, I'd assume that this is absolutely nothing to do with you and your DC, and more about an internal "over-involved MIL vs paid childcare" battle between John and Mary.

Id let it wash over me, and stay well out!

I imagine it's easy not to agree with nursery when you have live in childcare. 🙄

"Sorry, just remind me why you need to know"

‘Mary how’s John finding living with his mother in law? It must be unbearable never getting time as a family. Dave can you imagine if I forced you to live with my mother? Bahahahaha. I think you’d pay double the nursery fees to avoid that’

should shut her up

Sounds like John wants a break from his mother in law!

Hopefully the conversations will naturally move on to other things now that little ones are older.

Just flip Mary’s concerns on her.

“Oh, she is still at home with grandma?” 👀
”Does she see other children?”
“Don’t you worry about her socialisation?”

And then over emphasise her child’s needs to share and take turns, even if your child is worse.

*I don’t actually think either way is better or worse. Both have advantages and disadvantages, but you need to shut Mary up somehow!

That might shut her up. Not everyone has family help or can afford a nanny.

If Mary asks again say that you have told her several times before, whenever she has asked.

It is not Mary's place to question and judge. I feel annoyed on your behalf.

I’d be asking Mary if motherhood had addled her brain and she was incapable of retaining the answers the questions that she’s asked countless times!

Next time, just say, “I've told you before Mary, I’m not repeating myself” and change the subject………..have a very long conversation about how your own DC social skills are now far in advance due to going to nursery.

"Mary" is a judgmental nob but I don't understand why you feel you have to get along with her?

She's not your friend, she's the partner of your DH's friend. You're not obliged to be friends with women just because they are with your DH's friends. Choose your own friends and minimise the time you spend with her. You can be civil to her to keep the peace but she doesn't have to be your best mate.

And by the way its nothing to do with "mum friends": it's one particular woman. I have loads of "mum friends" and none of them have narrow-minded opinions like this.

Because some people dont have the ability to react to shocking behaviour like you do.

You don't need to be involved though. DH and John can meet up without you.

Mine went to nursery very young. I generally use 2 approaches. “Wow, it’s so nice you got to stay home with them. That’s a really hard job, personally I prefer working” and then it into a joke, or just talk about how wonderful nursery is, how well socialised your child is and all the great things they’ve done with eating/helping toilet train etc. or don’t engage at all. It’s odd for her to bring it up constantly. People make different decisions. You can enjoy having a less plaguey child in reception I guess than she will.

As she pretends not to remember just say "2" and see where that leads 😁

Thanks for all your comments. Theyve gone home now so no Mary for another 6 months. Her DC will be starting nursery in January for two days a week so maybe she won't ask the same questions again next time.

I see the point that I may be projecting on some level too. I feel ok about nursery now but when DC was younger there was guilt although they've always done well in nursery and seemed very happy. I don't appreciate having to reexplain the whole thing every time I see her.

Thats not very smart. A 2yo doesnt need socialising with a bunch of other 2yolds.

It's not about nursery vs no nursery. The issue for me is why on earth you are forcing yourself to try to be friends with a woman you don't like because she's married to a mate of your DH's.

Least of all feeling you need to justify your life to her. It's none of her bloody business!

She sounds so judgemental. My three year old has been in nursery since he was 9
months and has thrived. It’s not a choice for some parents. It certainly wasn’t for us. I’d be giving her a wide berth.

@Traballi Live and let live Mary!

Tell her your child is thriving in nursery and if she won’t shut up tell her we don’t all have the luxury of parents helping us out.

Since you haven’t called her out on it because you don’t want to disrupt your DH’s friendship with John, I would respond with something a bit more neutral.

Maybe “Does it matter?” Or “You ask every time Mary, you don’t have feign interest. Let’s talk about X.”

I like all the “Aren’t you worried about…” comments turning it on her, but I don’t think that gets you the outcome you need.

Love it!

Oh my lord, they stay with you? Do they live quite far away? I’m assuming your dh knows how much she annoys you? Why does he still invite them? Can’t he do a blokes’ weekend with John instead?

'Remind me what age your DC started nursery again?' ‘I can’t remember exactly. Two weeks?’

'How many hours a day is she in nursery?' ‘30 isn’t it?’

She’s being rude so I don’t see why you have to be polite.

Hahaha! I refused to send my child to nursery or daycare and I recall that look from other mothers “scanning” to look for deficiencies! Goes both ways.