For not serving FIL?

[Keroppi]

Semi lighthearted, as I get on very well with lovely MIL and her second husband (will just call him FIL for ease) but he can be emotionally immature and passive aggressive, mostly to MIL. However I do care about them both and they help a lot with the kids and with DIY.

So, I am having PIL over for some food later as they've recently got back from holiday. I'm doing Indian, so chicken curry, bombay potatoes, rice, naans & papadum and aubergine pakora. Mint yogurt and maybe some chopped onions out in little bowls.

I normally serve my big meals like this family or buffet style where everyone can help themselves. Not that it hugely matters, but I'm from a mixed race background where a lot of family meals are like this. DH and PIL are white british but travel a lot so aren't exactly small minded, so I don't think it's that.

My issue is that previously whenever I've served meals like this, FIL will literally just sit there with an empty plate and not serve himself. I and DH say multiple times to help yourselves, crack on, especially if I am still cooking something or DH is doing some drinks or seeing to the kids. But EVERY TIME FIL will sit there!! I used to fix him a plate with a bit of everything on, but then I recently started being a bit pissed off about it, so I usually ignore him now and every time without fail MIL will have to start putting things on his plate for him. However, I do feel like I'm being a bit petty and rude? What do you think?

You’re not being rude. Just let MIL do it for him if that’s their dynamic, you don’t have to be involved.

What silly games. I’d treat him the same as a 10 year old - help yourself or don’t, you’re old enough to know if you’re hungry and how to eat - and continue to cheerfully go about my business. Your supper sounds lovely OP, can I come? Very happy to get stuck in 😆

I’d not serve him either, what a ridiculous child he is.

If MIL wants to play his silly game let her but I think I’d struggle not to comment on what was wrong with him that he can’t operate a spoon, and probably laugh at his silliness.

No this would not be productive, but I’ve got no patience for this kind of behaviour.

To add, no you’re in no way petty or rude, he is! You’re going to the trouble of cooking a lovely meal and his behaviour is very rude.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to put his food on his plate. I’d have assumed he wasn’t hungry if he wasn’t getting any food.

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with being white British.

I'd be very inclined to put his plate back in the cupboard - and I'm probably older than him 😂

How odd. What happens when you say 'help yourself'?

He can clearly see everyone else filling their own plates? Unless he has a disability or something that makes it hard to serve food then just leave him to work it out!

Very strange behaviour. Not your issue to fix though. Leave him to it

Also, sounds delicious. I'm wanting a curry now

It's got nothing to do with him being white British - he's honestly just a complete prick. White British people are definitely completely used to serving ourselves from a buffet-style spread of dishes and he's just a bellend. Don't serve him; he's behaving like a child.

That’s just weird. But as you’re the one running around sorting everything out, I would think MIL and then DH would be higher up the queue than you to sort it out. Just stay out of it, and leave her to deal with him if he incapable himself.

Absolutely ridiculous, he is a fully grown man who can serve himself. Even my 6 year old serves herself when we serve dinner this way.

When I lived in the Middle East the men were all like this, the women and girls had to do everything for them.
The men would finish eating and demand cigarettes and the women even though they were still eating would dash off and get them.
This reminds me of them but I’ve never seen it in the U.K.
His wife obviously mollycoddles him I’d leave them to it, no way would I serve a fully capable man I’d be embarrassed for us both!

Ok we’re getting a curry tonight now after reading that 😄

I’d definitely leaving FIL to please himself. He’ll work it out I’m sure!

My FIL was like this - sat there like a toddler while MIL made up a plate for him and even put salt and pepper on it for him. They are both long gone now. I commented once or twice about the salt and pepper and then just let them get on with it.

I think the toddler behaviour was due to him being the youngest in his family and expecting to be taken care of. He was a lovely man in many respects..

Wait till the kids are a bit older and eating like starving wolves at every meal -he'll soon learn if he doesn't get stuck in there won't be anything left!

Seems like a bit of a non issue really if nobody has even criticised you for not fixing him a plate, why stress about it?

Meal sounds amazing though, I'm jealous!

Nope. My twat of a father was like this. He would just sit there like a bloody idiot and wait until someone did it for him. I refused and eventually stopped going for any type of social occasion that involved food if he was there. My idiot mother used to put his plate together for him but fuck that. He was a bloody man-child until the day he died.

Let him starve 🤣🤣

Me too!.
"Oh you're not hungry alan? No problem I'll put the plate away then"

He’d be leaving my house pretty hungry at the end of the night.

Petty me would say "serve yourself" and then when he didn't, I'd add "oh, are you not hungry?" And then clear his plate.
But in reality, I would likely ignore him and if MIL wanted to treat him like a toddler, that's down to her.

You're not being unreasonable @Keroppi - that's unpleasant behaviour with its roots in misogyny. I wouldn't enable it either. MIL can deal with him if she want to but you shouldn't have to.

Your meal sounds amazing. I'm having a mushroom omelette with spaghetti hoops. I feel very envious!

If anyone other than him is putting food on his plate of lava then it should be your DH, with a quizzical look.

I agree, he's a sexist pig. I'd give him a plate and put food on the table as normal, say, 'Help yourself' to everyone, then serve and eat my own food and ignore him.
But out of interest, when you say, 'Help yourself,', what does he say/what happens?

Lastly, your dinner sounds completely fabulous. Can I come?

Wait until he stands up for some reason, then shove a plate in his hands and usher him towards the food.

Or better still, send one of the DC. ‘Billy, go and help your grandad with his dinner. Show him where everything is.’

yep, i'd be taking the plate away and saying "not hungry? no worries"

or

just ignore it and let him and MIL get on with being idiots.

My dad’s like this, pathetic. I leave him and my mum to it, rubbish situation but she enables.