For not serving FIL?

[Keroppi]

Semi lighthearted, as I get on very well with lovely MIL and her second husband (will just call him FIL for ease) but he can be emotionally immature and passive aggressive, mostly to MIL. However I do care about them both and they help a lot with the kids and with DIY.

So, I am having PIL over for some food later as they've recently got back from holiday. I'm doing Indian, so chicken curry, bombay potatoes, rice, naans & papadum and aubergine pakora. Mint yogurt and maybe some chopped onions out in little bowls.

I normally serve my big meals like this family or buffet style where everyone can help themselves. Not that it hugely matters, but I'm from a mixed race background where a lot of family meals are like this. DH and PIL are white british but travel a lot so aren't exactly small minded, so I don't think it's that.

My issue is that previously whenever I've served meals like this, FIL will literally just sit there with an empty plate and not serve himself. I and DH say multiple times to help yourselves, crack on, especially if I am still cooking something or DH is doing some drinks or seeing to the kids. But EVERY TIME FIL will sit there!! I used to fix him a plate with a bit of everything on, but then I recently started being a bit pissed off about it, so I usually ignore him now and every time without fail MIL will have to start putting things on his plate for him. However, I do feel like I'm being a bit petty and rude? What do you think?

I wouldn’t serve him , he’s a grown adult. However I do have a relative who would do this and expected his wife to sort his plate, which she does. It drives me insane, he’s just a chauvinist and expects wife to run about after him.

No sane person will sit in the presence of food and starve, so YANBU.
He can help himself or his wife will fix his plate. That's obviously their thing, and not a job you need to inherit.

Just re read your menu again OP.

Can I come round instead of your FIL please?

He's the one being rude IMO, sitting there expecting to be waited on.

YABU to have served him a plate thus far. Stop it right now! Just leave the silly sod to his empty plate, he'll soon learn.

I'd let him go hungry. What an arsehole.

I think your FiL might be my exH. He did that - he'd sit at the table, sulk and say 'oh, is it serve yourself this evening?' in a wounded voice. Yes it is, you eejit, same as always.

I'd be saying 'Joan, I've asked a few times but as Peter doesn't seem to want to help himself, would you mind getting his plate sorted, as my hands are full and DH is sorting the kids' .

However do be aware FIL could be masking early signs of Parkinsons/early signs of vascular dementia and worried about his hands shaking if he has to hold the plate and add food. SO maybe a quiet word in Joan's ear as to why he might be reluctant to self-serve might be kinder.

I’d do this too. Bloody rude, probably misogynistic behaviour. What the hell does he do at a buffet? I’d have no patience for this nonsense.

Nope, you’ve said help yourself. Unless he is physically incapable then he should do it himself. Leave him to it, he’ll get the message eventually.

I think he's your guest so I'd stick a bit of everything on his plate. Or better still, ask your dh to. It's not that big a deal.

id draw attention to it “Are you not hungry?”

My (otherwise lovely) MIL used to get very anxious if there was a buffet and I didn't put food on my husband's plate. It was "he works hard all week" etc - and my full time job was actually much more demanding. I pointed out that if he was hungry he was definitely capable of getting his own food as to my knowledge he had no disabilities. He would actually have been horrified if I'd started choosing his food for him. Likewise with suitcase packing - she would assume I'd have to do that for him - but I pointed out that if he's intelligent enough to do his challenging job he could probably cope with working out what clothes he might need for a holiday.

If he was sat around a table of just men you’d guarantee he would serve himself.

How childish, misogynistic and rude of him.

You shouldn't even have to mention your heritage, but if anything it just makes him sound even ruder. You've given him enough grace already. Crack on ignoring this behaviour and let MIL deal with it.

We've got a couple of these in my family, luckily none that come for dinner at ours as we serve food this way and everyone gets stuck in!

The ones that do it seem to also have a bit of old fashion notion that the women stay at home and look after the house and the men go out to work etc (even though their wives work!).. not sure if it is something like that, like it's the woman's job to serve the food and their job to eat it?

They do it at any type of buffet too, even at a carvery, they instruct their wives to get it for them. I always internally have a chuckle about how pathetic they make themselves look.

You’re not his servant so leave him!

I’d say oh ok I see Bob you aren’t hungry and then take the plate away. Or give him a baby spoon and make aeroplane noises or even ask her - why can’t he serve himself. But then it would annoy me ……

He sounds like a right gimp.

Coming from an African background myself, your FILs expectation of being served is not unusual.

Even with buffets, the elders expect to be served. Often, the wives will get a plate and fill up for their DHs.

Loads of my male relatives used to this , even in the carvery and at parties.
It's the women's job apparently. If they are nice I do it for them , if they are a pain in the bottom I ignore.

Yes, just crack on as you normally do.

My MIL always serves her husband and sons, but DH always jumps up to make/fetch things too, whilst FIL and BIL just sit there giving orders like it's a fucking restaurant.

I don't interfere with the dynamic, but I also don't want it modelled a lot to my son. On a family holiday, my husband got up to make lunches with me every day because we just felt really uncomfortable with MIL serving everyone sandwiches.

What a silly prick he sounds

And me! I’ll bring booze/desert as required

My FIL was also like this. Also long gone. My MIL never worked and spent most of her time waiting on him. She probably saw this as her role. They were vey old fashioned compared to my parents, even though they were a similar age.

My dad would never have behaved like this. My mum would never wait on him in this way - and he would never have expected it.