For not serving FIL?

[Keroppi]

Semi lighthearted, as I get on very well with lovely MIL and her second husband (will just call him FIL for ease) but he can be emotionally immature and passive aggressive, mostly to MIL. However I do care about them both and they help a lot with the kids and with DIY.

So, I am having PIL over for some food later as they've recently got back from holiday. I'm doing Indian, so chicken curry, bombay potatoes, rice, naans & papadum and aubergine pakora. Mint yogurt and maybe some chopped onions out in little bowls.

I normally serve my big meals like this family or buffet style where everyone can help themselves. Not that it hugely matters, but I'm from a mixed race background where a lot of family meals are like this. DH and PIL are white british but travel a lot so aren't exactly small minded, so I don't think it's that.

My issue is that previously whenever I've served meals like this, FIL will literally just sit there with an empty plate and not serve himself. I and DH say multiple times to help yourselves, crack on, especially if I am still cooking something or DH is doing some drinks or seeing to the kids. But EVERY TIME FIL will sit there!! I used to fix him a plate with a bit of everything on, but then I recently started being a bit pissed off about it, so I usually ignore him now and every time without fail MIL will have to start putting things on his plate for him. However, I do feel like I'm being a bit petty and rude? What do you think?

Astonishing behaviour, not to be enabled.

@Keroppi, how did you find out FIL was waiting to be served? If someone continued sitting with an empty plate after I'd invited them to help themselves, I don't think I'd assume they expected waitress service. Did he/someone tell you?

Give him a few minutes to serve himself. If he doesn't, start taking the dishes away 🤣🤣 with a cheery "i can make you a sandwich later if you get hungry" 🤣

God. Men like this make me want to grab them by the arm, push out the door and lock it.

Perhaps he was brought up in the same family set up as gravy gate guy

Can’t believe I’ve actually (well virtually!) come across another human being who does this. My FIL always sits and waits for MIL or SIL to fill a plate for him on occasions like this. I don’t get involved, beyond making sure there’s something he’s prepared to eat if it’s at our house. He’s always very grateful and seems almost embarrassed, so I do wonder if it’s just a bit of social awkwardness around communal eating.

Screw that. You do absolutely right not to encourage this.

How strange. Is it possible it’s some kind of misguided politeness thing where he doesn’t want to take food that somebody else might conceivably want?

How weird. No way I would be serving him.

I'd be hot footing it to Home Bargins, other stores available, and buying one of those kids plates with 3 separate sections.

He'd be getting a tiny spoonful of each food and think himself lucky I wasn't tying a bib round his neck.

Does he do loads of useful stuff for you generally? Babysitting and that kind of thing? I might indulge him with humour if so. But otherwise not. Most odd.

That would be my only concern - my DFiL started developing Parkinson's in his late 70’s but masked it but asking DMiL or us, if cooking, to plate him up a meal while he sorted he [did some other job]. It’s bad enough now that even when MiL broke her wrist (and didn’t tell us) she muddled through buttering his toast etc until we realised and had to step in. But I am guessing he might not quite be in the age group for this to be a concern in OP has young children?

This !
Just be blunt. If he acts like a fool, treat him like one and by taking the plate away you’re not allowing MIL to enable him.

Why don't you ask him if he is going to SERVE himself and eat? But first make sure he is seated totally separately from MIL. If he doesn't help himself put his plate away.

When I was first married DH would expect/hope for the same. I had seen enough of this around my family. When I sit down with my meal that is it, I don't move for anyone until I have had all of it. DH serves the pudding I have normally made, but he makes the custard, brings over the ice cream or youghert, or whatever else is on offer. In other words I have made the meal, and am enjoying it. If anyone wants a drink, sauce, gravy that is not on the table already, let someone in the front door, answer a phone call, they can do it: I am not. If there is a great spillage or accident I do help clear it up.

Parkinson’s can develop from 50s with average age of onset early to mid 60s. A friend of ours has it and has young grandchildren. So it could be a possibility.

He helps with you with the childcare so you could help him to a plate of curry, I guess, though it is very strange that he doesn't feel he should have to serve himself at a buffet style meal.
YABU though for making your curry sound so delicious. It's pouring with rain here and I don't have the ingredients here or a local takeaway.

Is he the same once everyone is sitting at the table? I wouldn’t start serving myself while hosts were still running round cooking and getting drinks. It would feel very rude. I’d wait until everyone was sitting at the table ready to eat, and then I’d serve myself.

Your food sounds absolutely delicious and he sounds like an utter pillock!
I suppose while MIL panders to his ridiculous ineptitude he'll let her.
Though I wouldn't be able to resist saying something along the lines of "What's up Derek,lost the use of your hands tonight? Or
tennis elbow playing up?" Maybe then he'd explain just why he sits there with an empty plate.

What a wierd extremely old fashioned thing he does! What does he think, it's woman's work? He can't possibly do the feminine task of loading up a plate of food?? If be tempted to let nimbgo hungry tbh. Shame your MIL feels she has to pander to him.

I had forgotten that - am aware of Michael J Fox, so now feel stupid. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Have you tried handing him one of the serving spoons as you say “Help yourself”?

As in, put dishes on table. Add last dish without the spoon in front of him. Hold out the spoon with a breezy “Help yourself.”

Bigger the spoon, more awkward for him to put back without helping himself.

My first thought would be that you want to make your guests comfortable, so if you know FIL will eat if given a fixed plate from the buffet and will not help himself to the buffet, I'd have whichever one of the adults in the hosting house (you or DH) didn't cook and therefore doesn't have hands full with the final touches step in and do it when it becomes clear that FIL can't or won't. In this case, it would be DH - he could either just do at as soon as it's clear FIL is waiting for something or wait til MIL gets up to help and then tell her kindly that he'll help FIL, she can relax. I'd approach it as a special need of FIL's which of course the hosts will accommodate, but it'll be DH not you as you're still handling the main dinner.

It's not unusual to eat self-service or buffet style in the UK, its actually better cos different people have different appetites, my husband can easily put away twice the amount I can eat. If he won't serve himself just leave him to it, I think he's being rude, not you. If MiL does it for him fine, if no one serves him he goes hungry, if he questions it, just say its self-service in this house.

My FIL is the same so MIL sorts it all for him. And, of course, it’s never right or how he’d do it. Which is a complete joke as I doubt he’s done anything for himself since 1974

Don’t feel stupid. I only know due to our friend having it and having done a bit of research.