For not serving FIL?

[Keroppi]

Semi lighthearted, as I get on very well with lovely MIL and her second husband (will just call him FIL for ease) but he can be emotionally immature and passive aggressive, mostly to MIL. However I do care about them both and they help a lot with the kids and with DIY.

So, I am having PIL over for some food later as they've recently got back from holiday. I'm doing Indian, so chicken curry, bombay potatoes, rice, naans & papadum and aubergine pakora. Mint yogurt and maybe some chopped onions out in little bowls.

I normally serve my big meals like this family or buffet style where everyone can help themselves. Not that it hugely matters, but I'm from a mixed race background where a lot of family meals are like this. DH and PIL are white british but travel a lot so aren't exactly small minded, so I don't think it's that.

My issue is that previously whenever I've served meals like this, FIL will literally just sit there with an empty plate and not serve himself. I and DH say multiple times to help yourselves, crack on, especially if I am still cooking something or DH is doing some drinks or seeing to the kids. But EVERY TIME FIL will sit there!! I used to fix him a plate with a bit of everything on, but then I recently started being a bit pissed off about it, so I usually ignore him now and every time without fail MIL will have to start putting things on his plate for him. However, I do feel like I'm being a bit petty and rude? What do you think?

Don't you know that if a man picks up a serving spoon, his penis drops off?

Let MIL do it. Keep your position in your lane. Not your problem. Will he starve you death? Nope.

I'd ask him if there was something wrong with his arms!

How bizarre, but I wouldn't serve him.

I had a relative who would sit and say, 'oh dear, my plate is empty' because she was fucking lazy and wanted other people to serve her-it used to really piss me off. Just serve yourself from all the lovely food I've made you just like everyone else is doing-you're not a princess!

😆 and there he is, sat there watching the big spoon slowly drooping with his whole family not knowing where to look

My FIL would do that, and MIL would serve him. I used to make jokes about his behaviour. He didn't like me very much, I didn't like him. We never had a fight, we just didn't bother to be nice to each other. It worked for us.

For certain reasons I can't queue for food at a buffet. Because of this, if I attend an event where this is the situation, I fully understand that I won't be eating.
I would, as others suggest, simply remove his plate with a breezy "Not hungry tonight John? I heard there were a few tummy bugs going round, or are you trying to lose a few pounds before the festive season starts?" I would do this before your MIL gets the chance to treat this idiot as if he is physically incapacitated. Go on to suggest a glass of milk to settle his stomach.

id serve him the tiniest portion ever and then leave him to it. Every single time.

My ex-not-FIL was a bit this way. He just couldn't imagine any deviation from the way his life normally went.

But you absolutely don't have to do it. If he's unwilling to pick up a spoon, his son or wife can indulge him. You did the cooking.

I'd simply ask "Are you not hungry? " and smile?

Or plate him up a minuscule portion just to be pass agg.

Leave him to it and ignore.

I'd simply ask "Are you not hungry? " and smile?

Or plate him up a minuscule portion just to be pass agg.

Leave him to it and ignore.

He’d be going hungry. Misogynistic power plays don’t work in our house.

If he wants to act like a 5yr old let the MIL sort him out, daft beggar!

Nah.... he's a grown arsed man

Don't you know that it's the wimmins' job to serve the big important man op?
Prick. Don't serve him. I'm really liking the suggestion of putting his plate back in the cupboard though. Perhaps with a smile and a comment about being grateful there'll be plenty of leftovers.

My dad is like this. Drives me insane. It’s like he becomes a child at the dinner table and wants mummy to look after him.

Just to throw a non-misogyny theory out there, can a person, of either sex, just not be comfortable serving themselves?

Worried about making a mess, not trusting themselves to do it “right”, not good at judging volume, anxiety around taking too much at the expense of others?

I’ll do it and not make a fuss, but I do personally hate serving myself. Woman in my 30s and I always ask my dad to dish me up at Christmas! Alternatively I’ll wait to go last, as I’d prefer to be peckish than risk awkward energy from people at the table feeling put out by not getting enough of what they wanted or so on.

If his wife is willing, leave them to it.

Why do you think he does it? Does he think it’s a woman’s job to cook and serve? Does he cook or wash up at all in his own home?

I think I’d be more direct and say “Harold, we’ve told everyone to help themselves. Why aren’t you serving yourself?”

Thanks all. Wish you could all join for dinner. And help with the reloading of dishwasher I don't know why he does it! He has form for being moody with MIL so maybe that too.

Previously when pushed by DH or I to help himself he kindof messes around with his phone or delays it - I definitely think it's some weird sexism or spoiling by MIL! She always rushes in to do it before I can see what happens if left too long lol.

Well I stayed truly out of it tonight - just busied myself in kitchen. DH actually took a "serving" role as he did the rice in the rice cooker so decided to just serve the rice on everyone's individual plate and then ladled the curry from my Fake Le Creuset onto everyone's plate. FIL accidentally ate a whole finger chilli I'd left in the pot so that was funny

My BIL does this!!! I find it absolutely baffling. I’m really glad you posted @Keroppi because it’s got on my wick for years and I’d convinced myself I was being prickly..
(nb this may happen in some families in the Middle East but not in my experience nor in my decades in the far east)

Yes, him and MIL have the kids on occassion and he is very handy for laying carpet, helped us put new turf down etc. So I have normally humoured him in the past and I do enjoy hosting. MIL often complains that he uses DIY to get out of housework, though. If she has fallen out with him or is out for the day he literally sits in the dark watching sport on TV and eats hardly anything bar pork pies

In my extended family it's usually the men who prefer to cook and large meals are served communally. My grandma never used to, though, but she always did the dreaded "penis portions" !

If I saw mil filling his plate I'd have to ask her if she was going to cut it up and feed him.

My new SIL has started doing this for my brother if we do a buffet lunch. She puts things on a plate for him whereas we are all helping ourselves. Last time she did it I shamed my brother by asking if he had lost the use of his legs but apparently it is my SIL who is a feeder and likes to do that. I just think it is weird but I would not help your FIL and either leave him to it or let your MIL do it. Does she not say anything to him? I wouldn't do that for my DH as most people like to choose their food themselves.

Can you say 'you not hungry FIL, shall I just get you '(insert really boring food like a couple of Crackers) instead?'

My FIL was the same, but he wouldn’t have to sit there waiting, MIL would rush to serve him. She was always horrified that I didn’t do the same for DH, so she would sort of extend the serving to include DH and occasionally even me - which I especially hated. Even now if DH has brought something to the table like a lasagne and attempts to serve me I hate it!!

Fuck This hat!

my FIL sits with his empty plate knife & fork grasped in his fists waiting.
I completely the fuck ignore him, he goes hungry.

I once told him to put the kettle on if he wanted a cup of tea as he walked in (I was bf my newborn) he looked at me like I’d asked if I could have a quick shit in his woolly hat.
He mumbled something then sat down and waited for mil to do it, she didn’t so they both sat and waited for me to finish THEN make them tea.
They never got that tea.

Fuck all the way off. I’m no one’s maid.

My ILs have very old fashioned views which I do not comply with so they hate me. Ah well.