Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

[MilleniumMouse]

I'll preface this by saying I am neither the husband or wife in this scenario.

So, mum and dad with 2 young kids. Every year, the wife has insisted that they must wake up, do breakfast, do presents, then go to the wife's parents house for the rest of the day. They leave at around 10.30am and are at the parents house until late - 11pm/midnight.

Husband has asked year on year that they do Christmas as just a 4 so that the kids can enjoy their presents and they can all just relax in the house. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can they spend majority of the day in their own house then go and see the in-laws later in the evening. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can we host the in-laws instead so that the kids can still be in their own house with their new gifts. Wife refuses. They must go to her parents and she will not compromise.

The in-laws don't drink so it's always a subdued affair, and husband has to drive so he doesn't get to drink either. Not that that's what Christmas is all about but he's said it would be nice to just have one year where he can eat rubbish, have a few drinks, and relax.

Once the kids got past the magical santa stage, husband started volunteering to work Christmas day and so hasn't participated ever since. There is obviously a lot of resentment on both sides now.

My personal opinion is that Christmas is all about the kids and its unfair to drag them away from their new toys and presents every year to spend time doing something that their parents want to do. I do believe seeing family is important but the wife could have compromised a bit and done some alternating years. (Although I also think husband also could have grown a pair and put his foot down).

Is the husband being unreasonable with this?

Is the wife selfish in other aspects of their marriage?

The wife sounds like a dick

Husband is not being unreasonable at all. Wife is selfish.

The wife is obviously being unreasonable. Some years they could host her parents and/or his. And some years spend much less time away from home. Is she an only child worried about her parents being on their own?

Hello husband's mum,

Wife sounds a little rigid, husband sounds a little wet, but they are unlikely to change.
Christmas is one day out of the year, so focus on making other days special.

Wife is unreasonable. The compromise of going later on in the day is perfect.

Can't the children take their new toys with them to play with?
(but the wife sounds a bit stubborn)

this is your brother and SIL isn't it?

Obviously, the wife sounds completely unreasonable. I would like to know why she's so rigid on this though - are her parents very rigid and does she get pressure from them to do this every year? Does she hate preparing christmas meals and wants her mum to do it ? Does she find that when she's at home she can't relax as the kids and DH are demanding? Not that it's an excuse, but it would make understanding what's going on and why she's so resistant, and more likely to come up with a solution.

As for driving and drinking - why does he have to drive? she obviously gets there without him driving if he works now, so I don't really get that one. There's an option available, even if it's a taxi.

Sounds like he is the only one that drives, so surely if he wants to stay at home he just doesn't drive.

Depends if the husband would be planning the menu, doing the shopping, doing the cooking, doing the washing up, etc?

I don’t think Christmas is all about children. Ideally I would like Christmas with my family, Christmas with my husbands, and then one year just to ourselves. But our parents are getting older and I want them to have lovely memories of their grandparents and family Christmas.

One of us also has to drive when we see the in-laws. It’s not ideal, but then we don’t stay until 11pm. Could they have not got a cab or the wife takes it in turns?

Working Christmas Day voluntarily I think is worse than insisting on visiting family. Why would he want to voluntarily spend the day without his children at Christmas (just because the fun Santa stages over). That sounds so selfish and that’s he’s checked out of family life.

According to the husband, yes. He calls her a bully.

She has a brother. Some years he joins them at the in-laws, other years he spends with his own family.

The bullying could be from the wife's parents, or an overreaction were arrangements to change.

Why hasn’t he divorced her?

Why does the wife get final say?

Why, if the kids are past the magic stage, are they bothered about staying with gifts? Most kids past a certain age just want gaming or clothes. Neither of which would be appropriate to do all Christmas Day.

Strange dynamic going on here.

Why do people have to be so rigid over Christmas. It just seems to cause resentment.

I'm guessing her parents cooked the Christmas dinner at their house. Was the husband going to take that task on if they stayed at home or was he expecting the wife to plan, shop, cook and wash up? And if he said he would have done all that - how likely would he have actually done it?

The husband should have put his foot down years ago and told her that if she wanted to see her parents she could go, but he and the kids where staying home. She sounds like a dick but, him working every Christmas and not spending time with the family is a bit of a dick move as well.

Boxing Day is normally the recovery day for resting at home.

Christmas Day would normally involve other family members.
Wife's inlaws perhaps have their other children and wife likes to see siblings.

Odd that husband doesn't suggest going to his family.

Odd that wife wouldn't host all of her family. Did husband suggest also inviting her siblings?

Having a drink never goes hand in hand with driving.

Sad that husband won't revisit having Christmas with his wife's family. Sad that wife won't reconsider hosting a huge family Christmas at her place.

Does husband have an alcohol problem?
Is wife religious - Christmas is less commercial?

I don't agree that Christmas is "all about the kids" and I don't centre my plans around mine, so I disagree with that part of your argument. I also think Christmas is family time and probably wouldn't compromise on not seeing any family at all on Christmas day, certainly not on the basis that the kids could enjoy their toys in their own house.

However I do think it's unreasonable to insist on always seeing the same side of the family and not compromising on going for such long days.

Also wondering who would actually do the work of hosting if they hosted at home and whether husband pulls his weight at home over the remainder of the year or if his wife is so rigid because this is her only chance to have a break ?

It depends on how often she gets to see her family or how often she gets a break really doesn’t it? Or how close his family lives/ how often he sees them yada yada yada- this op is very definitely written to sway us a certain way and to be fair kids have plenty of time to play with their toys etc, they’ve the rest of their holidays

Is he divorcing her, to ensure his kids spend 50% of their time away from the bully?

Are the husbands parents dead or estranged?

Wife at face value sounds bloody awful.

It’s not just about “dragging the kids away ..”

it’s the utter lack of respect for the husband who clearly has had his wishes completely overruled every year