Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

[MilleniumMouse]

I'll preface this by saying I am neither the husband or wife in this scenario.

So, mum and dad with 2 young kids. Every year, the wife has insisted that they must wake up, do breakfast, do presents, then go to the wife's parents house for the rest of the day. They leave at around 10.30am and are at the parents house until late - 11pm/midnight.

Husband has asked year on year that they do Christmas as just a 4 so that the kids can enjoy their presents and they can all just relax in the house. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can they spend majority of the day in their own house then go and see the in-laws later in the evening. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can we host the in-laws instead so that the kids can still be in their own house with their new gifts. Wife refuses. They must go to her parents and she will not compromise.

The in-laws don't drink so it's always a subdued affair, and husband has to drive so he doesn't get to drink either. Not that that's what Christmas is all about but he's said it would be nice to just have one year where he can eat rubbish, have a few drinks, and relax.

Once the kids got past the magical santa stage, husband started volunteering to work Christmas day and so hasn't participated ever since. There is obviously a lot of resentment on both sides now.

My personal opinion is that Christmas is all about the kids and its unfair to drag them away from their new toys and presents every year to spend time doing something that their parents want to do. I do believe seeing family is important but the wife could have compromised a bit and done some alternating years. (Although I also think husband also could have grown a pair and put his foot down).

Is the husband being unreasonable with this?

As it has been mentioned a few times, I am not the husband's mother. His mum has been dead for 2 years. I'm not related to either of them and I'm not having an affair with the husband!!! I admit my OP is one-sided but that is definitely a leap!

I’ve been thinking about this a fair bit recently and I think it’s more systemic than this. I think that generally, traditionally, women are the ones who carry the mental and emotional burdens of the entire family. They’re planning the Christmas, they’re buying and wrapping the gifts, they’re juggling the schedules of everyone’s time commitments. In households where this is the case, the men are often only too happy to keep back and not input into this (because they can’t be bothered) but maintain the illusion of being the head/provider because they go out to work. To put their foot down and insist that a part of the orchestrated plans (by the wife) change to suit them leaves them wide open to being burdened more generally - and so I think they keep quiet to maintain their status quo.

I don’t agree that Christmas is all about the kids. It’s about everyone. Someone compromises each time but not always the same person year after year.

Oh come on OP. Youre clearly biased towards the husband.
I don’t think the wife is unreasonable-I reckon she knows if she hosts then she will spend the whole day cooking and running around after everyone, and the build up getting the house spotless. Maybe if the husband cares so much he should offer to do all the leg work! Opting out of christmas with YOU KIDS because you don’t agree with the wife’s plans is absolutely pathetic. I wonder what his poor kids think.

Sorry - affair partner. OP has since clarified she isn't, so I apologise to her. 😀

You clearly don’t know the wife and you also clearly spend a lot of time with this man where he bitches about his wife and bad mouths her.

so something is very off here. Again, who are you to him?

How old are the kids now? And how long has he chosen to work and spend the day apart from them?

On the face of it, the wife sounds unreasonable for not taking into account her husband's (and the kids?) wishes. But the husband also sounds unreasonable for deciding to ditch all of them and go to work instead.

Poor kids.

Is he just a friend?

@INeedAnotherNameamazing but I shopped, my DH cooked and as a very tidy cook only the actual dishes we ate off were left to do after dinner. If it ever falls on just one parent to do it all shame on both of them (the martyr doing it and the non participate). But even if it was as you put it, that’s no reason to insist 10.30 to midnight at her parents. He offered alternatives. She could compromise.

It is so clear you are the husband's mother.

You will only hear his side of the story, and it will only be told so that you can take your precious boys side.

Just seen you're not his mother (allegedly), so I now guess you are in your late 20s and shagging the husband.

IMO they’re both BU in different ways.

She’s selfish with her weird parents Christmas obsession, he’s selfish in having a volunteer job as a cop out and leaving his kids to also have a mid boring Christmas. He should have put his foot down about it a long time ago.

OP are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you are not the husband in this scenario?

Husband tells wife he’s not driving this year and he will not budge on that

If you’re not related to him or having an affair why can’t you eat who you are in the scenario?

OK you're not the husband OP sorry.
Couples have to find ways to agree how to spend their time as a family. I bet Christmas day is not the only bone of contention. They need to reach a compromise and both are responsible for making that happen.

“The in-laws don't drink so it's always a subdued affair”

Do you think people only have fun when there’s alcohol involved? I’ve been to a lot of teetotal events that have been the opposite of subdued.

I was one of those kids and I found it so tedious that every Christmas Day had to be spent going to grandparents house where there was nothing to do and everything was rigid and boring AF. Every year it was the same - must do X by 1pm, must do Y by 3pm etc there was no spontaneity, no deviating from the same plan, no fun.

My GP weren't horrible people but they were just boring and uninterested in me. Now I am an adult I love choosing different things to do at Christmas and not feeling like you must spend the day a certain way otherwise its illegal.

Both are being unreasonable.

The wife insisting on her way every single Christmas for, what, at least 10 years? Ludicrous.

The husband for being a cop out and working instead of spending time with his kids at Christmas. Pathetic.

I'm surprised they are still married. She's awful and his reaction is awful for his children.

I really think you should stay out of this and mind you own business. I'm sure you'll say "oh I am", but giving other people's Christmas arrangements headspace is not staying out of it really.

The version you tell - the version that I'm sure has been told to you - is very one sided. It is clear that the person who told you this (I'm assuming the husband) very much wanted the husband to be seen as downtrodden by his selfish wife.

Beware of believing this. Relationships are complex and nobody outside of them truly knows what is going on inside of them. This couple have clearly been together many years and there is obviously a wider context to both their marriage and the decisions about where to spend Christmas- none of which you have been told.

The way this tale has been told to you is rather manipulative and makes me wonder wonder about exactly what else has been omitted or spun in a certain way. The husband could very easily have dealt with this situation years ago by saying no. The fact that he leaves his children on Christmas Day to voluntarily go to work just because he doesn't want to go to his in-laws doesn't exactly cover him in glory. To be honest it suggests he's a petulant, selfish asshole who sulks and tries to ruin things for others (or at the very least opts out of family life) if he doesn't get husband own way. And the fact that he spins that to make him look like a victim is really manipulative. If that's what hes like more generally I'm not surprised his wife doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at home with him.

Don't let him manipulate you into believing his side of the story, or into giving this any more headspace

The husband should really have put his foot down and insisted that his wishes were considered at least every other year (the same as the wife should have put her foot down if it was the other way round).
What’s all this about not being “allowed” - no one should be the boss in a relationship.

Wife U.

H has been VU to cave in every year then to opt out and go to work, adding to the shitness for the DC.

Of course, because women/wives can never be bullies/abusive can they?

With the important caveat all else being equal, I think the husband should just simply say, 'no, I'm not doing that this year' and if the kids are old enough he should make sure they get a choice too.