Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

[MilleniumMouse]

I'll preface this by saying I am neither the husband or wife in this scenario.

So, mum and dad with 2 young kids. Every year, the wife has insisted that they must wake up, do breakfast, do presents, then go to the wife's parents house for the rest of the day. They leave at around 10.30am and are at the parents house until late - 11pm/midnight.

Husband has asked year on year that they do Christmas as just a 4 so that the kids can enjoy their presents and they can all just relax in the house. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can they spend majority of the day in their own house then go and see the in-laws later in the evening. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can we host the in-laws instead so that the kids can still be in their own house with their new gifts. Wife refuses. They must go to her parents and she will not compromise.

The in-laws don't drink so it's always a subdued affair, and husband has to drive so he doesn't get to drink either. Not that that's what Christmas is all about but he's said it would be nice to just have one year where he can eat rubbish, have a few drinks, and relax.

Once the kids got past the magical santa stage, husband started volunteering to work Christmas day and so hasn't participated ever since. There is obviously a lot of resentment on both sides now.

My personal opinion is that Christmas is all about the kids and its unfair to drag them away from their new toys and presents every year to spend time doing something that their parents want to do. I do believe seeing family is important but the wife could have compromised a bit and done some alternating years. (Although I also think husband also could have grown a pair and put his foot down).

Is the husband being unreasonable with this?

The wife is the unreasonable one, but the husband could just refuse to drive and leave the wife to sort out her own transport.

Totally agree with all that. I don't know what the dynamic is in their house - it could well be that he's a lazy bastard and does nothing.

She does drive. They both have separate cars.

Wife's parents live a 10 minute drive away so she sees them regularly. They're quite poorly now so she sees them every day at the moment. Previously, when the kids were young and they were in better health, she still saw them once or twice a week.

(Husband drove on Christmas despite it only being 10 minutes because the kids were young and it's all dark country roads and not really safe for them to walk).

Oh come on this is written really clearly from the mans perspective

We can't answer unless we know the other side.

My husband would NEVER offer to work christmas day just because he didn't like the plan by the way so that is pathetic.

"We can't answer unless we know the other side."

Mad how this only pops up on threads where a woman is being unreasonable towards a man

Who are you in this, you clearly want the wife to be painted negatively. And you’ve succeeded. However I’d bet there is more to it; you’re clearly on the husbands side, and enjoy bad mouthing his wife with him, who are you to him?

I’m not sure in this case to be honest. It’s so blatant the wife is out of line, and the whole he calls her a bully, I want to know who the op is to the husband.

MoFadaCromulent

plenty of us argue back with a imagine if the tables were turned in other cases (even though we know we’ll be killed for it!!)

I appreciate that my OP is one-sided. I don't know what the wife's feelings or motivations are behind it. I've only got the husbands side. I agree it could be a case of he's a lazy git and it would just give the wife more work to host at home.

I also agree that volunteering to work every Christmas day just to avoid spending time with your wife / in-laws is selfish.

Op does he want to see his family? Is that it? Or he just wants the family on their own? Do they not have stephens day together?

IMO if there are strong feelings about how Christmas should be spent (and the kids are too young to chip in their own opinions) then the only fair compromise is to move to alternating years.

One year with her family and the next year whatever he wants to do. His wife does not come across well TBH and sounds like a demanding PITA.

What a selfish wife, never would I my wants always before my hubby. We do Christmas day just us and our kids and they all get up when they want chill have a lovely breakfast then presents then chill and eat and watch family films and play etc. No stick routine just all relaxed and a pyjama day usually lol...Next day we do both parents for a few hours at each :)

Are they very religious and anti commercial Christmas?

Anyway my grandparents believed children should always have Christmas at home, and thats been the rule for my family (generally anyway)

Edit as we cross posted OP. Maybe he just hates Christmas and has come up with a "evil inlaws, mean wife" excuse. I worked with a wonderful woman who would always work Christmas as she hates it.

Sounds terrible, of course. Alternating years would be a good compromise. I can totally understand the appeal of staying home for Christmas, so much so that after running the roads for the entire ten years DH and I have been together, this year, with a four year old and a 9 month old, I’m putting my foot down and we’re all staying home!

Christmas doesn't belong to just her. It would be fair to alternate and then they're both covered. I also think it's inconsiderate to take the DC away from their own home every year.

The wife is religious but she still goes in for the commercial side of things.

The husband is massively into the commercial side. He absolutely loves the trees, twinkly lights, the magic, Christmas movies, presents, lots of good food, nice wine. He says he just feels deflated because he was never allowed to do those things with his 2 kids when they were growing up.

Is the husband some kind of remote control robot? Surely if he refuses to drive to in-laws, and the wife doesn’t drive, she can’t force him to drive.

Presumably you are husband’s mother.

Is he saying that wife’s bullying him because he doesn’t want to come to you but is trying to protect your feelings?

I don’t think the wife should be the one deciding all Christmas plans, but I also don’t see why kids need to stay at home at Christmas. I used to love visiting my family as a child on Christmas Day (no cousins or other kids so just with adults). What do the kids actually want to do? Sounds they’re old enough to have a say too.

The one year I spent Christmas day at home with (now ex) DP and young DC as he insisted, I did all the cooking and cleaning. Id done all the shopping, wrapping etc. He laid around drinking and ignoring the DC.
So no thank you.

But my mums home is my DCs second home. They have their own rooms etc there so love being there as much as at home. We help with cooking, cleaning etc. Its much more chilled for everyone.

She does sound very controlling and selfish.

Im not quite sure who you are in all of this but it sounds like you’re very much on his side. But of course we only ever know one side in any thread.

I find it hard to understand tbh when the woman is the bully - because objectively the power in any marriage is with the man - both due to his physical power and because of the way society is set up.

But I guess some personalities will always dominate others regardless of the objective “cards”, so to speak.

He is not unreasonable to want to choose how they spend Christmas some of the time (half the time if they can’t compromise ever)

Wife is bringing unreasonable to not be flexible, however if they spend the day at home, would the wife be the one doing the cooking/cleaning/entertaining? If so, then she’s not unreasonable to want to go to her parents where she can also enjoy xmas and relax (assuming her parents are happy to host)

Christmas is not “all about the kids”.

I'm not really clear what the AIBU is here. It seems this situation has been going on for years so by now - however right or wrong it is - its ingrained in habit and "its what we always do" kind of attitude so its going to be really hard to change that.

Yes the wife has been unreasonable - but also the husband could of been more firm years ago insisting on alternate years, one year at home, next year at his in laws.
If he's calling the wife a bully my guess is that this isn't the only area where she gets her own way all the time. It's possible for men to be in a controlling relationship as well.

I mean the amount of threads this time of year which are "my husband/parents/MIL don't want to do Christmas exactly how i want to do Christmas" this level of ridgid behaviour does none of us any favours.

I also found it very strange why he never just stood up to her but I do know a few other couples who have had it said about them "oh yeah, she definitely wears the trousers in that relationship". Thinking back, my own mother was a bit of a bully towards my father so it must be a more common dynamic that I originally thought.