Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

[MilleniumMouse]

I'll preface this by saying I am neither the husband or wife in this scenario.

So, mum and dad with 2 young kids. Every year, the wife has insisted that they must wake up, do breakfast, do presents, then go to the wife's parents house for the rest of the day. They leave at around 10.30am and are at the parents house until late - 11pm/midnight.

Husband has asked year on year that they do Christmas as just a 4 so that the kids can enjoy their presents and they can all just relax in the house. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can they spend majority of the day in their own house then go and see the in-laws later in the evening. Wife refuses. Husband has asked can we host the in-laws instead so that the kids can still be in their own house with their new gifts. Wife refuses. They must go to her parents and she will not compromise.

The in-laws don't drink so it's always a subdued affair, and husband has to drive so he doesn't get to drink either. Not that that's what Christmas is all about but he's said it would be nice to just have one year where he can eat rubbish, have a few drinks, and relax.

Once the kids got past the magical santa stage, husband started volunteering to work Christmas day and so hasn't participated ever since. There is obviously a lot of resentment on both sides now.

My personal opinion is that Christmas is all about the kids and its unfair to drag them away from their new toys and presents every year to spend time doing something that their parents want to do. I do believe seeing family is important but the wife could have compromised a bit and done some alternating years. (Although I also think husband also could have grown a pair and put his foot down).

Is the husband being unreasonable with this?

I feel sorry for the kids as well as the husband tbh.
They get barely any time to enjoy presents at home in peace. Family playing together and so on.
I think he is not standing up to her because he might be worried she will take kids and he will end up spending it alone at home

The wife sounds like a controlling twat and her family sound miserable.

Nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's household.

I don't think we (or you) have enough information to pass any judgement on this one.

Even the phrase "the wife has insisted" is loaded and one sided. For all we know, he could be a heavy drinker (or a myriad of other possibilities) when he's at home and Christmas Day is the one day of the year that she wants not to have to deal with it.

Wow. Is this for real?

Is he a lovely attractive colleague working Xmas day with you OP? ;)

The way the OP is written is just so biased towards the "poor, beaten down husband" that it does make me think there is no objectivity at all in the post.

I think if it's all fair then alternating years, one with the mums family and one at home or doing what the dad wanted would have been the obvious solution. However, if the mum would have been the one doing all the hosting/ cooking/ looking after kids at home while the dad sits around relaxing and enjoying a drink i can 100% see why she would rather go out for the day, gets some company, doesn't have all the pressure on her and I personally think going out for Christmas makes it feel like more of an event.

Also the dad deciding to volunteer to work christmas rather than spend the day with his wife, kids and in laws doesn't make me think he just cares so much about what the kids want to do and wants to enjoy the day with his children. It really seems like he does just want to be lazy and if he's not getting his own way he would rather be at work (on what i imagine is not a very busy day, most places it isn't, but i could be wrong).

Basically if dad is that fine with not seeing the family at all over Christmas day i struggle to believe that he would have been a really involved host/ father/ husband on Christmas day regardless of venue.

?

It depends on how often he’s been forced into that plan though doesn’t it ? If this is real, then the wife is clearly totally self centred and what she wants at Christmas comes before anyone else’s’ wants or needs.

Is it a case of her parents being elderly and she goes over to cook and make sure they have a nice dinner?

The wife does sound unreasonable and very uncompromising.

Are you one of the Kids?

OP, are you an AP?

What's an "AP" ?
(not that I'm the OP - I am just curious)

We always used to visit people on Christmas Day when I was growing up & I hated it, so always swore that I would only stay at home for Christmas once I had kids! Family welcome to visit us, but my DCs are going nowhere!

The wife (as this is depicted) sounds very controlling and not particularly nice to her DH at all & he sounds like a wet lettuce & a crap dad, choosing to work & miss out on Christmas with his DCs rather than insisting on a change (at least for one year!).

Everyone is unreasonable in this scenario. Poor kids!

Absolutely this

I think the same , the poster is his mum .

"There's an option available, even if it's a taxi."

OK, I haven't RTFT yet, but taxi really isn't an option if the gp live hours away. And there's no public transport on Christmas Day. I think staying the night could be a better option than driving at 11pm...

I don't think it matters so much what the kids want, they'll be happy with presents and chocolate and a happy family. What does matter is that husband and wife here want to spend Xmas differently and there's zero compromise from the wife. He doesn't need a reason about "what's fair on the kids", his preferences should be listened to and accommodated half the time if they can't agree on best way to spend Xmas.

"I don't agree that Christmas is "all about the kids"

I think it's at least to some extent about kids just like New Year's Eve is mainly for adults.

How old are the kids now?

Don't they get a say?

Does he ever see his own family?

I don’t understand why he has to drive when the OP has said she has a car and drives. I’d like to hear the other side. Is he a lazy bastard and would he just sit on his arse drinking all day if they stayed home?

"Thinking back, my own mother was a bit of a bully towards my father so it must be a more common dynamic that I originally thought."

Well, you often have a dominant person, but that can be a dynamic they both buy into. It's not always bullying. Consider Keeping up Appearances. There's obviously something in it for Richard to let Hyacinth make all the decisions. Obviously, I don't condone real bullying or coercive control.

But we don't know that the kids don't like it. If they've always gone to the gps' for Christmas, maybe that's what they like. For children it's often the more the merrier when it comes to 'family playing together'.

Wife is being very selfish. Let her go to her parents and the husband stays home,let's the children play with their presents,then goes with the children to his parents for the rest of the day. Husband needs to put his foot down now. Wife has had her way for far too long.

Hi Husbands Mum,

What does your son contribute to Christmas Day? If they stay home is he promising to make everyones Christmas dinner for them and do the dishes afterwards? Or is he “having a drink and eating crap” while his wife does it?

Did he buy and wrap all the presents for his kids? For his own family? Chances are he doesn’t do his wife wants to chill out at her own families house for the day. & that he often works Christmases and so she’s used to having to manage the day on her own.

Of course she could be a bit more flexible but your OP is not the full story, I am sure of that.

"We always used to visit people on Christmas Day when I was growing up & I hated it,"

The opposite for me. Once we didn't go to my maternal grandparents' Christmas was never the same again. I suppose it's where you make your best memories.