Raging!!!

[Bernie23]

I wanted to go to a meditation/relaxation session for 1hour this evening. I do child’s homework every single day in life after I rush home from work. This evening my daughter had a couple of corrections in her homework and I asked my husband to do them with her when I was away at this course.
Come home and she still has one not completed, another not corrected properly and another that is illegible. AIBU but WTF? I went mad, the one day I ask him to do it, he can’t be bothered to even make sure it’s right. He’s shouting at me saying I’m mad and I need to wise up but I’m livid.

I think this homework is probably the tip of the iceberg and there is perhaps some weaponised incompetence going on in other areas from your husband. Hence all the rage?

p.s I definitely support my 6 year old with homework, I’m surprised to read that others don’t

Supervise your child to make sure the homework is done.
Be around in case she has any questions.
Otherwise just leave her to it and let the teacher see the mistakes. They don't always have time to get around to all the children during class time and they also want to see what the child can do when working independently with no peer or teacher input.

Some parents are actually very nervous about school work, feeling they're not clever/don't know enough about what is taught or how it is taught these days. When I was doing an English degree, my friend called almost in tears to say she was embarrassed that she didn't understand phonics and could I help, and was trying to google how they taught them to add up these days in maths. She has recently been diagnosed with a few conditions (not being specific on here). Not sure if your husband could actually feel nervous? Obviously I don't know the 2 of you, but I do know someone with a degree who was put off going to Y1 parents' evening because the teacher was talking about adjectives.

It’s not just homework though is it? It’s about only one parent caring enough about the dc to make the effort to support their learning. I’ve had similar with my dh- of course I go through his homework, correct it and work through what he’s got wrong!! That’s valuable learning time for kids, and shows them that parents care about their school achievements. I’m with you op, ask your dh what day he wants to do homework with dd, and say yes I will go nuts if you cannot be arsed one night a week to support your child’s learning, because it makes you a poor parent. No amount of your telling me I’m unreasonable will change my view. Show your child you value her learning, once a week. And if you don’t I will be venting to our friends because I need some support here, and I won’t hide from them your lack of care.

Your DD should be able to do homework on her own. Check it by all means but you are not supporting her by sitting there helping. Your follow up saying you only support and help her after - hmm. You need to step back and let her make mistakes and learn from them and how to figure it out on her own. My son needed support but only because he wouldn’t do it otherwise! I still tried to not interfere until he was really stuck then I’d ask him to e plain to me his method and he’d usually be able to see his error without much input.
And yes your DH was not helpful but I think there’s more to it than this one incident.

There probably was more to it than just the homework itself.
My husband is away before 7 to work and home just before 6. I sort the children every day, I bring them to school, do the after school activities, organise and do all appointments & anything that needs doing in the evening. As soon I get home I help with the homework, make the dinner, and do all the other things such as getting any uniform ready, sign notes, make lunches, After working and doing this I’m exhausted.
This was one evening I wanted to do one thing for myself.

What?! So you correct their homework? That's called cheating isn't it? Surely the teacher needs to see what they do and don't understand, not what you do and don't understand?

She had done out herself. There were 2 or 3 things that just needed pointed and she recognized her mistake and did it correctly then. That’s all that was needed.

But you’re not doing it for them and just getting them to write answers. It’s explaining something a little bit more or asking to to check over a particular thing and helping them understand where they might have went wrong.

You’re not wrong, but to be ‘raging’ is a complete overreaction in my opinion.
Yes your day does sound incredibly
busy, by all means have a proper conversation with your husband if the burden is not equally spread.
But also -you come across to me like a bit of a perfectionist. And you’re quite emotionally reactive if this small issue causes you rage. I think the mindfulness will be good for you, keep at it.

I think you need to chill out. Your kids will be picking up on this negativity. Helping them out is one thing but teachers need to see mistakes.

Your DH needs to pick up the slack in other areas so you don’t keep “raging”.

Tell me you haven't stepped foot in a classroom without telling me. OP works in a school. I don't know how you think a primary school day goes time is tight and there isn't enough time to walk a child through a concept they grasped in lesson but struggled to carry over into the evening. In the classroom a maths problem is walked through on the board. The children have that reference to look back at to walk themselves through anything they struggle with. However, teaching is to the middle level so if there are 20 questions the low ability students won't get through enough examples to cement it. The high ability get extra mastery work with additional questions so maybe do 24 questions and the middle ability should get through 18-20 questions. One teacher and one TA marking the first round before they move on to make sure they have it. I had a hands up system to ensure I prioritised the first round being marked over those who had completed the second round. 1 finger in the air for round one, a finger and thumb for round 2.

However, that TA is also probably looking after 3-4 low ability children on a separate table as well as trying to mark work from the others in the class.

Homework being looked over as a child does it to ensure they understand what they are doing is the best way to support a child. Any corrections of work from the previous day in class is looked at for 10 minutes if that the next morning before moving on. The teacher doesn't help them, they look at their own work, can't figure out what they got wrong and then what? 10 minutes for both maths and English corrections. I supported my children this way all the way through school, not answering the question but talking them through the concepts. They excelled academically.

OP knows how important supporting a child is. They have the best outcomes. All she wanted was her Dh to ensure their child is doing their homework and making sure they do it well.

Sounds like you hate doing this task and when your DH quite reasonably lets the child get on with HER homework you have lost your shit in resentment.

I think you could stand to go to a few more relaxation classes and leave them to it.

What you have described here is not what the PP described who i was replying to who said that they went through and corrected their child's homework. That is completely different from explaining to a child how to complete parts of it that they haven't grasped. One is doing it for them the other is scaffolding learning. One will have poor outcomes and one will have good outcomes.

You don’t sound like you’re supporting her though - you sound like you are more or less doing it for her. If you’d pointed out the errors to her then she should be able to to do them herself without an adult standing over her. You may think you’re helping her with this approach but you’re really not. You should be present to help with questions etc but at 9, you should be leaving her to do the homework herself.

Hopefully when you "went mad" and you started shouting at one another, this wasn't in front of your daughter?

Exactly. You clearly hate and resent it but martyr yourself in the belief that anyone who doesn’t do this must be a shit parent. If you want to set this ridiculous standard for yourself then don’t be furious when others don’t live up to it.

You’d hope but she could probably hear even if she’d gone to bed. Poor girl. Her mum is “raging” shouting at her dad and her dad is shouting at her mum saying she’s mad. And the argument is about her. I would have a serious think about what sort of home environment you’re providing for her. You sound extremely tightly wound.

Yeah. I've grown up in this exact environment, where my parents were too tightly wound and too stressed and immature to regulate themselves. They never managed to not shout and not argue when me and my sister were in the house. We're both still in therapy and on antidepressants, so there. These things really, really, really affect children.

To everyone saying leave her to it. School haven't got time to reteach this, they move on. I had a child who every single week left a maths lesson 5 minutes into the teaching part to learn guitar, then came back and I had to work fast to get him to do some questions because the next day they would be building on this work. If they miss a day of school they miss this teaching.

Homework corrections take a lower priority than teaching. They are trying to teach in a class which no doubt has behavioural issues occurring some massive and some low level shit.

Going through homework as they do it, telling them that these ones are wrong and getting them to look at them again will help them. Learning isn't all about the classroom and I say that as someone who was in one. If they head into secondary missing basic foundational maths or English stuff they are going in at a disadvantage. Not everyone is sitting an 11+ and having the best secondaries to send their children to.

Teachers? See mistakes?! Your child must go to a very fancy school! Our children have to do their homework online. The computer marks it (answer right but you accidentally pressed the space bar twice? Answer marked as wrong with zero explanation why) The teacher never looks
at it, and the children get no feedback or help regarding it. For some subjects the homework is also new material not yet covered in class, they are expected to watch the video and just understand it. If they don’t, tough luck. Those children whose parents don’t have the time /
knowledge etc to basically use homework as a chance to teach them often really struggle, and some appear to be giving up. It’s awful.

Very similar to what I do with my 11 year old. Maths for example, if she gets stuck we talk through how to go about it and if we still don’t get it we watch the video. If there are areas I can see she still hasn’t grasped we sometimes do some extra practice on those. The teachers don’t have time to 1 on 1 every child and my child won’t speak up in class when she is stuck. Most of the top achievers in Maths will be doing work at home with parents or extra tuition especially when it comes to exam time.

yes 100%, the app sets the questions and marks it, my child has really struggled with some questions that she says she hasn’t learnt yet so any way I can help her understand and practice I will. It’s not fair on those whose parents can’t or won’t help but that’s just how it is unfortunately.

Sometimes children need things explained in a different way, or simply repeated. Children need supportive, involved parents, not idle tossers. The point is, OP asked him to do something, he didn't do it. The end,

Why? Why would you not be bothered about something your child has been asked to do?