To think some people just look like they have it all!!

[PunnyOliveTurtle]

Look I KNOW IABU!! I am not in a good place at all these days but this has been playing on my mind since last Saturday. I went to do my shopping (with my measly 65quid budget) and whilst in the supermarket i kept coming across a woman. She was dressed so perfectly...lovely black leggings, a white and black long sleeved top and then a lovely black jumper over it, she had the sleeves rolled up so you could see the striped top peaking out. Her new balances were immaculate...her hair was swishing and had lovely volume...i just thought HOW?!! Got to the checkout and she was ahead of me, her handbag was a mulberry, she had a mountain of shopping with items clearly for DC so she wasn't childless (despite looking like she had 4 hours to get ready) bare in mind it was 9am anyway! Fuck she even smelled expensive!!!
She spend over 150 on what looked like a very healthy weekly shop. I just felt so inadequate. I looked like shit and ill never have the money to be able to look like that.
Look I know I saw a 30min snippet of this woman, and no doubt she will have her issues and traumas...but how so some people seem to just carry themselves so well. She was so chatty and friendly with the cashier too, she genuinely seemed like a nice person.
I just needed a vent...

Are you ok @PunnyOliveTurtle? Do you want to talk?

It sounds like you need to start wearing your favourite clothes, style your hair and focus on how you look and feel. It doesn't need to be top brands. But when you look your best you do feel good and present yourself differently to the world.

it sounds like she did a shop on the way to somewhere else that she needed to dress up for xx

She’s probably up to her eyeballs in debt though. 🤫

I have 65 on a good week for food, i don't have money for anything that is my favourite. All my clothes are old and not in style really.

Well so am i so that makes no difference to me, she probably isn't though, she probably owns her own house anyway, so that's a different debt.

I probably look like I'm very fancy. But it's all from Vinted and my expensive perfume is from a sample website, and I live on a council estate on minimum wage! My nice hair care stuff is from Savers. I save up with Park Xmas Savings all year to have money to splash on the child.

Be kind to yourself. Whether or not the woman you saw is really fancy or faking-it fancy, she's no better than you. You're doing your best.

See I hate when people say this, like just because someone looks like they have their shit together that’s something has to give and they must have loads of debt. Maybe she doesn’t?…maybe she has ample savings and owns her own house.

Why so negative? Can you not imagine anyone having a decent life? Does it make you feel better by thinking everyone is miserable?

Maybe she does have it all and good on her! It has no effect on your life though, her having it all doesn’t take anything away from you.

Vinted is excellent for clothes, look for people selling things you like and you can bundle things up and get a discount and save on postage. If you save a few pounds a week from your weekly shop for it, you’ll have a new wardrobe in no time!

It's a lifestyle. People like that prioritise looking good and consistently put time and money on their looks for years. So that she can wake up, put a pair of leggings and a jumper and look good. Her wardrobe and make up has already been worked on, the body had been maintained for years, she spends money on herself and her perfumes. It's part of what 'loving yourself' might look like for some people. Some people find it too hard work or a waste of time and money to do all this (mulberry, perfume for grocery run). It depends what you prioritise and value in life.

you are getting lots of comments on here pretending that she must be living a rubbish life or is in debt. This is no way to make someone feel better. By promoting denial that anyone can actually have a good life.

YANBU but I think some people are born with fantastic executive function and a high stress tolerance so they naturally manage to do a lot of stuff in one day, without experiencing it as stressful. I think those perfectly put-together mums are usually extremely neurotypical, unlikely to be chronically ill, and have no problems squeezing their skincare and makeup routine in between life admin and school runs. Naturally, those types of women tend to attract "high value" men so they have the added privilege of financial security and having other life stressors taken care of.

I think it's very superficial and cruel of people to reassure themselves that perfect looking people must have something very horrible or unpleasant going on for "balance". The answer is far more logical in that if you give someone a systematic series of privileges from birth, they are far more likely to tick a lot of boxes that results in a desirable adult life. It's not a perfect system but things like being born in a wealthy family with two stable parents, growing up conventionally attractive with good self esteemt, having great executive function and self discipline, being lucky to avoid serious health issues will obviously all go into making a life appear better.

I would agree with this.

I have a friend who always (and I mean ALWAYS) looks amazing. I remember one time we were all dragged out of bed at 3am and everyone looked like they had been dragged through a hedge, except my friend who looked like she had stepped out of a Burberry catalog (classic, not chav 😅).

But it was because she had done it since childhood. Her mum was also the same and had taught her how, pretty much since she had been born. She knew exactly what suited her, only owned things that suited her, and really knew how to style an outfit to the point where she didn’t even think about it. She looked after diet, fitness, skincare, haircare as a fundamental hour by hour part of her life rather than something she had to consciously do.

I can't seem to learn that no matter what someone looks like on the outside, they inevitably have their own struggles and traumas. Must recently, someone I was jealous of, lovely big family, money, house, travel, turned out to be very bravely fighting terminal cancer. You really do have to focus inward not outward. It will make you happier.

But it was because she had done it since childhood. Her mum was also the same and had taught her how, pretty much since she had been born. She knew exactly what suited her, only owned things that suited her, and really knew how to style an outfit to the point where she didn’t even think about it. She looked after diet, fitness, skincare, haircare as a fundamental hour by hour part of her life rather than something she had to consciously do.

Exactly this. She was taught this since childhood so it becomes an internalised habit. The vast majority of women like this had mothers who gave them the time and resources to learn this skill. It's more normal to teach girls that vanity isn't very important and that you should enjoy being a child/teen without caring about appearances. This is totally valid and has a lot of advantages but the result being that lots of women have to learn how to do makeup or keep themselves looking a certain way from scratch.

None of the things you noticed are necessarily the result of having more money. The clothes could have been from a charity shop, the beauty products from the pound shop, the “Mulberry” a fake from Turkey. What makes the difference in my view is the chutzpah- the folding of the sleeves just so, the confident manner, the taking care to match things.

OP comparison is the thief of joy and all that, and I get that money is tight. But there are things you can change with a shift in mindset and spending a little more time being kind to yourself

I'm sure you're doing your best with what you have. No one can ask or expect any more than that. If you're lucky enough to have more then it's just that imo, luck.

I'm sorry if its a cliche but comparison is the thief of joy.

You are perfectly reasonable to feel pissed off with the lack of money but you simply cannot know enough about this woman's circumstances to form a full opinion of her. She might be loaded, she might just have spent her remaining food budget on clothes. She might have a controlling husband who won't let her out of the house without a full face of makeup, dressed to the nines. She might be miserable.

I'm not telling you this to sound like a smug bastard but because you can't afford to think like that. It will drag you down: you'll constantly be looking for things to validate your own sense of inferiority.

Don't give in to it. Focus on yourself and what you need to feel good. If that means a bit of extra grooming time, so be it. But forget what other people do/what they look like. That way madness lies.

I am sorry to hear you feel that way op.
i look after myself but could never look that way !
I have a friend who is tall , good looking , so just a jumper and jean s looks good on her wereas i look like ive made no effort at all if i do that .
her hair is also naturally thick and she has dark lashes and brows and lip tone - wereas i am v pale with no definition and look dead without make up !
I would say that my dd looks really good and she wearss only a few colours - black , white , green, beige . she looks amazing and everything goes with everything - and she pays about £ 5 for decent brands on vinted.
in fact i put on her loose cream trousers, her black top and her beige birkenstocks - also vinyed - and it looked really nice - better than my clothes.
maybe try that ?
also take good care of my skin

she probably has time and money that you dont have too - i know the feelimg- i also have a friend who has x2 dc in private school , has not worked till her 30s, walks her dogs daily x2 hrs ,manages her cleaner and staff , goes to gym , house detatched in own grounds - her clothes are amazing, there is no way i can look like her - years of good of good. Food , , security- it shows. The ability to go in a supermarket and just get what you want is something i cant do .

all i can say is I hear you - use your small amount of cash creatively on vinted and be proud of doing so - invest in uourself in ways that you can x

I agree with this.
It does take time and money. That's the first point.
And the second point is that you have to be interested in it too. The people I know who are like that are very interested in fashion, make-up etc. and spend time reading about or watching videos on these topics. They've often taken a number of years to perfect their make-up and then adapt it depending on trends or on their personal style.
If you want to look like that you really do have to put effort in. It seems effortless, but it isn't. It's the same as when I sit down and play the piano and people think it looks easy - there's years of practice behind it.
It's an interest, like anything else. And it's of no less or no more value than anyone else's interests. I'm not interested in it and I look like a tip. Other people aren't interested in the things I am interested in and that's fine.

This is such a weird response.

Some people are rich?!

i think we all have this weird idea that things have to balance out, like oh this woman’s beautiful I bet she’s really boring because she’s never had to develop a personality… this woman’s got an amazing career I bet her relationship is shit…

Some people have more than others, they may have won the genetic lottery (or the actual lottery!) but there isn’t some magical balance to the universe. Just accept that and you’ll be happier!

Such jealousy unhealthy!
I would love to be really well, a good life, ok money wise, wonderful cat, nice house, 63 mid stage Parkinson’s, can’t work, it’s depressing at times.
Yes I ‘ve some lovely clothes, no husband or partner tho
life is unfair

But that’s life is it not? Yes some people do have it all, no debt, perfect families, lots of money, health, balanced diets. Whether it’s through sheer graft, inheritance, luck or just because- some folks live very comfortable lives - I know plenty of non millionaires who are like this too.

I know I’ve worked hard for myself to be able to live that way because I grew up in a family where achievement was never at the forefront of priorities.

@DarkEyedSailor inspirational you are😍