To think some people just look like they have it all!!

[PunnyOliveTurtle]

Look I KNOW IABU!! I am not in a good place at all these days but this has been playing on my mind since last Saturday. I went to do my shopping (with my measly 65quid budget) and whilst in the supermarket i kept coming across a woman. She was dressed so perfectly...lovely black leggings, a white and black long sleeved top and then a lovely black jumper over it, she had the sleeves rolled up so you could see the striped top peaking out. Her new balances were immaculate...her hair was swishing and had lovely volume...i just thought HOW?!! Got to the checkout and she was ahead of me, her handbag was a mulberry, she had a mountain of shopping with items clearly for DC so she wasn't childless (despite looking like she had 4 hours to get ready) bare in mind it was 9am anyway! Fuck she even smelled expensive!!!
She spend over 150 on what looked like a very healthy weekly shop. I just felt so inadequate. I looked like shit and ill never have the money to be able to look like that.
Look I know I saw a 30min snippet of this woman, and no doubt she will have her issues and traumas...but how so some people seem to just carry themselves so well. She was so chatty and friendly with the cashier too, she genuinely seemed like a nice person.
I just needed a vent...

Agreed.

The saying money doesn’t bring happiness was absolutely coined by someone attempting to balance out the universe. Money brings opportunities and choices that being poor does not.

She could be me..apart from the Mulberry bag.
However I lost my adult ds last year so although I look put together and have money ( and no debt) and am vivacious...I carry this awful burden. I will never be happy again.
But you would never know from looking at me.

I am sure she looked lovely, but wearing leggings and a jumper?
That's the easy (lazy) uniform of most school mums I know - the day when they don't make an effort. What makes you think a pair of legging is remotely stylish?

Again, the woman can be gorgeous and having perfect hair and make-up, just talking about a uniform of legging + trainers. Nothing fancy.

Is the food shop money you are struggling with? Or having to wear old clothes when you fancy new ones, whatever the style? You only need one or 2 new piece, it can cost not much on vinted. I mean less than a tenner. You can't completely change your life, but you can sit down and think about little ways to make you feel better?

Not really I think people project their issues on yo others to male themselves feel better, I think noone knows what anyone else is gping through or happening in their life just by looking at them

I understand why children may think this but not adults and playing along to make adults feel better about themself is patronising and helps no one

I’ve known someone like that, successful, really successful husband, amazing lifestyles with homes in London, New York and Florida, turned out she was an alcoholic and her marriage had nearly ended because of it. Her lifestyle wasn’t making her happy.

Why would you say this?

It doesn't need to take that long at all - it's just about buying the right thing, that fit well.

The only effort is to immediately dismiss things you like, but the shape/colour/ style is wrong on you.

And a couple of accessories.

I don't think anyone should care about their clothes, but I think it's unfair to pretend the ones who do and who look put together spend anymore time than anyone else. Some do, some women spend 1 hour doing their hair, of course they exist, nothing wrong with that. But many others look just as good but spend no time.

Money, privilege. That's the answer every time.

And the second point is that you have to be interested in it too. The people I know who are like that are very interested in fashion, make-up etc. and spend time reading about or watching videos on these topics. They've often taken a number of years to perfect their make-up and then adapt it depending on trends or on their personal style.

But we all have different ideals if that is the right word. I love fashion, trying new beauty products etc but the whole coiffed hair, made up face, pristine trainers isn’t what I would aspire to look like. Nothing wrong with that of course but just making the point that you can love fashion but not want to look groomed.

The happiest people I know are happiest because they are very wealthy 😂
Self care, holidays, help, not stressing about bills or repair, and because of the help, time to see friends and do things for themselves.

They have a busy job like anyone else, but the freedom to know they could walk away at any time if it becomes a strain, because they can afford it easily, is also a huge stress relief

It's easy to try to pretend that everyone must be miserable, when in real life, and for example, the ones who can afford to have all their weekends off and do their hobby/ beauty care/ meeting friends/ weekends away etc... are also much happier than the ones running around chores.

Exactly. It’s more about effort than money. That entire ensemble could be had for £25 (or less if things on offer via my local Buy Nothing groups are any indication) but taking good care of one’s body, skin, hair and clothing requires commitment.

I don’t think it was negative, but more a ‘we really don’t know the truth’ comment (which OP alluded to as well).

I have a friend who works in finance at a private school. She’s a single mum and struggling to make ends meet. She’s sees a LOT of wealth and superficial sophistication.

BUT, she also sees what happens when they can’t pay their fees and they get taken to court and she’s sees their financial situation when coming up with a repayment scheme.

She once called me and said that this family who ‘had it all’ - drove the fanciest cars, big house, holidays etc - were in real terms worse off than her who bought her groceries in cash, not credit, and she owned her house rather than rented, as they did. It was a massively empowering moment for her and, since then she’s seen it a lot.

So, maybe this fabulous woman does have her shit together, but equally, maybe she doesn’t and OP is better off and doesn’t know it.

I know that type you mean and I think it’s ok to feel a bit ugh. I’m in between. I have 2 kids in private school, drive a 4 by 4 and have holidays. But underneath we budget everything- I can’t walk into a supermarket and spend what we want , though we do spend a lot as we have a family and pets. I look at people who seemingly throw things in the trolly and wish I could 😅 but maybe people think that about us? with my car- it’s a pain as we own it and if something goes wrong it’s very expensive to fix and can cause us real financial issues .

Since I’ve been little I’ve been drilled into me how to get ready for the day- hair /make up/ / perfume / skin care - clothes- and they are always ironed. All my clothes (not branded) are planned and mix and match and quite neutral colours and I have my nailed / toes done every 3 weeks . With my children I am the same- they know before they step out the house to be presentable and every night I put our outfits out so it’s easy. I feel like it’s engrained. And our house- everything gets done. We don’t save jobs until later but do it as we go so it always looks nice if someone walks in- what they don’t see is the constant ticking house work we do.

Maybe she does just have it all but I think often it’s like a swan- regal on the outside but kicking underneath

Why? Just why are some women so vile really?

im probably like this woman. I’m certainly not in any debt. It’s always women bringing other women down.
I have a very hands on dh who will get up with the kids, do every single thing for them so it leaves me to get ready and leave.

Or, here's a wild idea, she's actually just a together woman. She's got a great job that pays well and a husband who does his bit so she has time to get ready in the morning.

Why do you feel the need to shit on other women for their perceived success? It just makes you sound bitter and insecure.

I bet if you gave yourself half an hour and a good rummage through your wardrobe OP you could put together an outfit you'd feel amazing in. Her outfit sounds really easy to replicated from stuff you might have in your drawer or be able to pick up cheaply. Maybe not Mulberry, but lovely all the same.

Your OP was a really interesting read. You sound clever, fun and thoughtful. Be happy being you because you sound great.

Her trainers might be fresh out the box and causing her blisters! her leggings might be falling down and her jumper itching, her bra might be rubbing her sore and she's smiling through that 😅.

I probably look like a bag lady most of the time (and get some sniffy looks from people) but I'm happy in the knowledge that when I need to dress up I do.

I also don't see trainers, leggings and a jumper as anything special.

I get you OP. I am you.

I feel - and look - like a tramp most days:
Old tatty clothes - because I never see anything I like anymore... or that fits
No regular nail polish - gels never last, but I have just found bio sculpture and I am going to give those a go, hoping they last more than 2 weeks.
Hair scragged back most days - because to style it means using straighteners (the only way it will look half decent) but it is rapidly breaking off, so I need to leave it as much as possible

.. on the back of this thread I have just hand washed my lovely woolly winter coat in the bath (its hand wash only and NEVER gets washed). The water was disgusting afterwards, and brought a bobble-off handheld for it. I will give it some TLC. Later, I am going to take off my toe gel polish from the summer, which has almost grown off and looks terrible.

Some people are just stylish OP. Money helps but not in every case. In the end the outfit you saw: leggings, black jumper and stripy top and trainers are all things you can buy from Primark or Matalan. You can buy a fake mulberry bag from China if you really felt the need to own one but didn’t have the money. However, just a smart leather bag from a charity shop would be equally lovely.

The lady in question probably spends time putting her outfits together rather than just putting stuff on which is what I do and probably a lot of people do. In the end, who cares what you look like in a supermarket? 🤷‍♀️

I was a bit like this OP after having my oldest. She was such an easy baby and toddler, sleeping well and happily playing while I did my makeup and hair. I was told a few times how “well put together” I looked in baby classes. Then I had my second who doesn’t sleep and who thinks she’s glued to my hip if not my nipple… Brushing my teeth often feels like a struggle, let alone having a skincare routine. I have a beautiful wardrobe that no longer fits me as I haven’t lost a pound of baby weight! I’m overweight but too knackered and fed up to do anything about it.

Should also say I have periodically struggled with depression and crippling anxiety since a teenager for some reason so looks can be deceiving. I have a couple of Mulberries myself (and most importantly the family I always dreamed of!) but terrible mental health! Not saying this woman has something like this also btw! Maybe she really does have it all.

I just felt so inadequate. I looked like shit and ill never have the money to be able to look like that.

Ok. I know this is going to sound trite but somewhere, sometime, that woman is going to be looking at someone else and feeling similarly inadequate for some reason or another.

We can look and be envious of the life someone else has but we shouldn't compare ourselves to them and feel inadequate.

You don't know her path in life, the advantages or disadvantages she's had. You only know yours. She may have money because she won some or because her husband died in some horrid medical malpractice and she got compensation. It can just be luck.

Dealt your hand in life she may have played it worse than you have.

You didn't notice all the other people in the store. You compared yourself only to 'the best' there.

Be envious, aspire to be her if you want, but don't feel inadequate for what you are.

Hugs x

Also, it’s my New Year’s resolution start ‘investing’ in myself. Eg a cheap face mask now and again, prioritising early nights where possible, treating myself to a new lipstick occasionally (rather than a takeaway when knackered), buying clothes more intentionally to eventually build up a classic/stylish wardrobe of better quality things that suit my shape and complexion and make me feel good in my skin.

Her pristine white trainers for instance, she probably has a daily or weekly shoe cleaning routine and only wears them in places unlikely to encounter puddles. It becomes second nature to plan these things if you've been doing it for years. She probably keeps wipes in her car for example or does her nails in the type that doesn't chip so she isn't caught short.
I also think women like that might have close female relations with a likeminded mother, sisters or girlfriends where they swap tips, items and feedback on what works.

I’m often told by other Mums on the school run “you always look so glamorous and put together! How do you do it??”
I do take care of myself, but do my own lash extensions and fake tan. I buy all my clothes on Vinted.
I do put a lot of weight into my appearance and looking good, because I find it helps my wellbeing.

But the truth is, I’m a single Mum to two young children, with a demanding job and a useless ex husband so everything falls to me. I spend every night at home alone when the kids are in bed. I worry constantly about all the pressure on my shoulders. I am quite lonely because all of my friends are in relationships. Men have hurt me over the years, so I guess I channel the energy I used to channel into these crap relationships into my appearance and seeming put together, but I feel anything but most days.

Just a perspective. Equally you’re allowed to feel the way you do. X

She obviously signalled something to you. Highlighting the life you want compared to what you have.
Instead of using this to make you feel low, let it inspire you.
What could you do to start towards this envisioned life you want?
hair?
skin?
clothes?
general health?
earning more money?

None of these will happen overnight but if you start taking steps, who knows where you could be this time next year?