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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think some people just look like they have it all!!

107 replies

PunnyOliveTurtle · 26/11/2025 08:00

Look I KNOW IABU!! I am not in a good place at all these days but this has been playing on my mind since last Saturday. I went to do my shopping (with my measly 65quid budget) and whilst in the supermarket i kept coming across a woman. She was dressed so perfectly...lovely black leggings, a white and black long sleeved top and then a lovely black jumper over it, she had the sleeves rolled up so you could see the striped top peaking out. Her new balances were immaculate...her hair was swishing and had lovely volume...i just thought HOW?!! Got to the checkout and she was ahead of me, her handbag was a mulberry, she had a mountain of shopping with items clearly for DC so she wasn't childless (despite looking like she had 4 hours to get ready) bare in mind it was 9am anyway! Fuck she even smelled expensive!!!
She spend over 150 on what looked like a very healthy weekly shop. I just felt so inadequate. I looked like shit and ill never have the money to be able to look like that.
Look I know I saw a 30min snippet of this woman, and no doubt she will have her issues and traumas...but how so some people seem to just carry themselves so well. She was so chatty and friendly with the cashier too, she genuinely seemed like a nice person.
I just needed a vent...

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 26/11/2025 10:13

Upsetbetty · 26/11/2025 08:14

See I hate when people say this, like just because someone looks like they have their shit together that’s something has to give and they must have loads of debt. Maybe she doesn’t?…maybe she has ample savings and owns her own house.

Agree. It infers that one can only feel better about themselves by putting others down. It’s not helpful. You need to find contentment in yourself , you are not better because someone is worse.

Woollyguru · 26/11/2025 10:17

ChristmasTimeChristmasJoy · 26/11/2025 08:08

She’s probably up to her eyeballs in debt though. 🤫

Why do you assume that? Some people do actually have/earn more money than others and are not in debt.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/11/2025 10:17

Ah OP, comparison is the thief of joy.

This women does appear to have more money than you and that helps on all sorts of levels.

However, your articulate post makes it clear you have a lot going for you, even though life is tough and you feel down. Would it be useful to start a new thread, saying what's going on off you, to gather some thoughts on how to work on one area you think could be improved?

RaspberryRipple2 · 26/11/2025 10:18

I don’t really understand your complaint OP apart from you seem unhappy with your lot in life, but how is that anything to do with this woman? For what it’s worth I’ve got a great career, lovely DC, an amazing DH, nice house, car, holidays, I don’t take much care over my appearance though so you wouldn’t be jealous of me if you saw me in the supermarket. I don’t see how her clothes, handbag and let’s face it what sounds a relatively inexpensive weekly shop are something to get upset over?

slowraindrop · 26/11/2025 10:19

I probably come across like this woman did to you. I’ve got good hair, I’m strong from the gym and I put quite a lot of thought into my clothes. But I’m also dealing with some serious shit, and I don’t think anyone who knows about it would willingly swap with me.

OopOop · 26/11/2025 10:21

ChristmasTimeChristmasJoy · 26/11/2025 08:08

She’s probably up to her eyeballs in debt though. 🤫

Why would she be? Some people have lots of money 🤷🏻‍♀️

Starlight1984 · 26/11/2025 10:27

ChristmasTimeChristmasJoy · 26/11/2025 08:08

She’s probably up to her eyeballs in debt though. 🤫

Because she had clean clothes and nice hair?

What a weird response....

Astrabees · 26/11/2025 10:27

I met someone just like this in M&S a few days before Christmas, a couple of years ago. There she was, immaculate, cheerful and beautifully dressed. She had her list clipped on the front of the trolley and was ticking off the treats as she put them in. There was I, overweight, hot and bothered, no makeup and in a real hurry. I had also for reasons of stupidity purchased some pillows before going into the food section, an additional encumbrance. I resolved then and there that one day I would be that woman, wafting my way through the Christmas shopping. I have not quite got there yet, but maybe this year.

LoveSandbanks · 26/11/2025 10:27

I can go out in a super expensive outfit (ok, not super expensive but head to toe Mint Velvet or similar) and still not look “put together”. I simply don’t have “style” and I’m crap at accessorising. Others can go out dressed from Vinted and oxfam and look super polished.

I think a lot might be about the way that clothes “fit”. If you have a body shape that is close to the “block” that designers use you khave an advantage straight away. If you have great executive function skills again. Money helps, having a good hair cut and a skin care regime.

I guess you have to really care about how you look 😳

BeanQuisine · 26/11/2025 10:42

She might have been AI, it can be hard to tell these days. Did you count her fingers?

Starlight1984 · 26/11/2025 10:47

OopOop · 26/11/2025 10:21

Why would she be? Some people have lots of money 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't even have to have money to look put together!

I actually do earn quite a bit of money (as does DH). We have a nice house and nice cars. But I usually look like a complete bag of spanners when I do the food shop.

Some people just manage to look more put together than others and glide through life looking like an elegant swan. This is my aim for 2026 😆

Starlight1984 · 26/11/2025 10:47

BeanQuisine · 26/11/2025 10:42

She might have been AI, it can be hard to tell these days. Did you count her fingers?

😂

FlyingUnicornWings · 26/11/2025 10:51

Nobody is better than you. What you are working through with only 65 a week for shopping is tough. So tough. It’s no wonder seeing this woman has triggered these feelings in you, but none of those feelings should be inadequacies.

You are so strong to pick yourself up and keep going each morning despite your struggles. You have resilience that you should celebrate. I know none of that makes your situation any easier, but please try and be kind to yourself. Not being able to afford even a treat for yourself is so hard. I wish I could get you a treat and give you a hug.

NET145 · 26/11/2025 10:53

never compare yourself to others you will never find happiness. Even her shit stinks

FlyingUnicornWings · 26/11/2025 10:54

Prelim · 26/11/2025 08:15

Maybe she does have it all and good on her! It has no effect on your life though, her having it all doesn’t take anything away from you.

Vinted is excellent for clothes, look for people selling things you like and you can bundle things up and get a discount and save on postage. If you save a few pounds a week from your weekly shop for it, you’ll have a new wardrobe in no time!

This is so unrealistic. If she only has £65 a week (on a good week) for her shop, the value of the £3 you’re suggesting she saves is huge.

Nobody should feel inadequate because of how they dress, or style themselves. Telling her to save money she needs for food on clothes is just feeding into those feelings of not being good enough. She is good enough, just by being herself.

Cantdothingsanymore · 26/11/2025 10:57

Life is a series of ups and downs, this is her good year, maybe last year was terrible and this year something good happened. Maybe nexr year will be good for you.
If tou don't like something change it.
All her clothes and bag might be second hand, maybe she won the lottery, maybe her mum died and left her a few quid. Maybe her husband is rich and she doesnt have to work, but maybe also ge is having an affair and is an acoholic.
Noone has a whole life with no tragedy or bad times.
You can change things though, if you want more money, find a way to make a little extra for a nice top here and there. Doesnt need to be fortunes to make enough to buy a few little extras.

Burnthroughthewitches · 26/11/2025 11:18

Leggings, a striped top and a pedestrian ten-a-penny mulberry are not what I'd call 'looking perfect'. You have nothing to feel bad about.

ElfinBrokovich · 26/11/2025 11:21

Some people really do lived charmed lives OP!

It is hard to feed a family on £65 a week. Don’t beat yourself up.

TicTac80 · 26/11/2025 11:58

I can understand how you feel - I'm still slowly finding my style (actually, a friend and me were talking about this a few weeks back - both of us had got into a rut with clothing/outfits, and were looking at ways to get stylish etc!). We both have limited budgets but are brainstorming what we can do to have healthy lifestyles, have some good self care and feel better about ourselves.

I've been guilty of looking at other people and thinking that they have it all, and I'd beat myself up about it - and you do see it a lot on SM. I've learned that people do post the good stuff though, rarely the bad stuff. Also...out of the people I know: one is rolling in it, always looks stylish and put together - but she is battling Stage IV cancer. Another looks like she has stepped out of a fashion magazine shoot, but has lots of struggles with her own long term health issues (and those of her DC).

I look at my wonderful SIL and think "wow" (for her style, how sorted she is, how well she's done with her career, how amazing she is with her DC etc)....but then she told me that she looks at me and thinks the same! My cousin always looks beautiful, is always perfectly dressed (has perfect hair/nails/makeup etc), perfect life, but then her husband is a high earner, and she's a SAHM with kids at school and has cleaners, gardeners etc on hand (so she has time to focus on herself more). My cousin thinks I'm super woman, SIL thinks I'm so sorted...but, I think I'm just winging it!!

Me? I'm a single parent of 2 DC. I'm bloody lucky - I have good health and am able to work to support myself and my DC. I work FT as a nurse, rent a small house and my car is a work car. If you saw the car in the driveway (and didn't know that I rented the house), you'd think I'm loaded, but neither the house or the car are mine!! I get my (and DC's) clothing from charity shops and ebay - partly due to finances but also because I like recycling/reusing stuff. I buy good quality items that fit well and are well made - but I mostly wear stuff that is practical and comfortable, rather than stylish. It's only in the past 5yrs that I've taken heed of the importance of self care, and I've started to prioritise that a bit more. I was lucky to be taught to cook well by my mum (so I can keep my food bill down and get creative with the food I have). I spend about £200 a month on food for myself and the DC.

LadyFreja · 26/11/2025 12:58

User564523412 · 26/11/2025 08:24

YANBU but I think some people are born with fantastic executive function and a high stress tolerance so they naturally manage to do a lot of stuff in one day, without experiencing it as stressful. I think those perfectly put-together mums are usually extremely neurotypical, unlikely to be chronically ill, and have no problems squeezing their skincare and makeup routine in between life admin and school runs. Naturally, those types of women tend to attract "high value" men so they have the added privilege of financial security and having other life stressors taken care of.

I think it's very superficial and cruel of people to reassure themselves that perfect looking people must have something very horrible or unpleasant going on for "balance". The answer is far more logical in that if you give someone a systematic series of privileges from birth, they are far more likely to tick a lot of boxes that results in a desirable adult life. It's not a perfect system but things like being born in a wealthy family with two stable parents, growing up conventionally attractive with good self esteemt, having great executive function and self discipline, being lucky to avoid serious health issues will obviously all go into making a life appear better.

But it's not just a collection of privilege and being neurotypical with perfect health that makes this possible. A post like this does a disservice to everyone, the women pulling it off are being put down as having an easy life/it handed to them on a plate and the women that don't have those things are being told they can never have them because you can achieve this through systemic privilege and having things on a plate.

I am a put together mum that has always been complemented on how well I do at mothering, how well my daughter is doing, my career as a scientist is successful and I also look after my horse that I plan to teach my daughter to ride when she is a little older because horses have been the love of my life since I was born and it blows people's minds that I have the capacity to look after a horse too. I was born to a single mother in a council flat, who instilled in me that my only chance at a nice life was to work my ass off at school and get a good education, because she taught me to believe I deserved just as much as everyone else but I had to damn well go and earn it because she had nothing to give me. I also have two chronic illnesses resulting in chronic pain and tiredness and I have awful skin as a result of PCOS, it's also really fucking hard to stay a healthy weight and to keep on top of the grooming with all the bloody hairiness it gives me. My husband is not wealthy and we pay 50/50 for everything so no one is "relieving my financial burden" as you think these well put together women clearly are experiencing.

What this looks like in reality is getting up at 5am, go and muck out the horse, feed, turn out, her him at 6:30am, shower and change, brush my hair and oil it and leave it natural because it looks good that way. Put on some concealer for my awful skin, chuck some clothes on (I don't keep things that don't look good on me so it doesn't matter what I pick up, I don't outfit plan), spritz some perfume, spend an hour with my daughter getting her dressed and doing breakfast, take her to nursery and go to work myself for 10 hours if it's a work day, if it's a day off we start doing activities. I work condensed hours to go give me an extra day a week ith her so I get to have lots of time with her. Finish work at half 6, feed horse and bring in, get home and do/eat dinner which is always pre prepped, do bath time and bed time stories, put daughter in bed. Then I spend an hour cleaning and prepping for tomorrow and I'm on the sofa by 9 to do some crafting, work on a project or watch something interesting with my husband. Go to bed at half ten ready to do it all again tomorrow. Throughout the day I take painkillers for my chronic pelvic pain but I don't let it stop me unless it's really bad. It's a life of pure graft but god it's rewarding! Our home, our daughter, our horse, my career and achievements, our family life, I love it! Every day I wake up and feel blessed! When I get my precious two child free hours a week I'm galloping access the fields on top of the world not working on my hair or wardrobe.

If I can have this life from my humble beginnings and with chronic illness/pain, most people can! But that starts with believing they deserve it and they're going to go and get it, not believing it's unattainable because only people who are born into privilege and have.rich husbands can have it. OP can look as well put together as this woman if she puts the effort in. It doesn't happen by magic. Telling her she can't because she doesn't have the prerequisite privilege is stopping her achieving something that she clearly wants by entrenching the why bother mind set.

ContinuewithGoogle · 26/11/2025 13:03

It's often just being a bit organised, and make different choices.

YOU (and I..) chose to be on MN - you could be doing a lot of other things in that time.

PinkMagpie · 26/11/2025 14:10

Hi OP, I understand what a grind it is getting by on a restricted budget.

a couple of free things that have helped me to look much better:

  1. getting enough water every day will pay off with your hair, skin and nails
  2. getting enough quality sleep will make you look better
  3. reading up online on which colours and silhouettes go together will make you look put together with basic clothing items. We have all seen people who spend loads on an outfit and look like a dogs dinner because it doesn’t work/ doesn’t suit them. Learning a few simple every day classic outfits that look good on you is a good hack for looking good

these are all things that have helped me a lot

Hotchocolateandsnowing · 26/11/2025 14:28

I had a moment like this but I was that woman. I had a newish friend after I broken down about what had happened this year (it’s been awful been, miscarriages, sepsis, friends death and redundancies etc)

She said i would never have known, you seem so happy and together all the time. The issue is that’s something I can control, im very good at masking.

While I hope nothing bad had happened to that lady, she could have easily woke up at 6am crying about grief and decided to do her hair / makeup to take some control and buy some treats for her family to make herself feel better.

I always trying to think there’s much more going on in peoples lives than they give away. I knew a family with fancy cars and big house, turns out it was an abusive marriage.

I know OP it’s hard when you’re feeling down and it’s ok to have a day of feeling crap, sorry for yourself. But then we have to pull ourselves together and try to look for the positives. I’m not trying to diminish your feelings, they are valid. Sit and process them then get a game plan together on how you can make yourself feel better.

PinkMagpie · 26/11/2025 14:31

LadyFreja · 26/11/2025 12:58

But it's not just a collection of privilege and being neurotypical with perfect health that makes this possible. A post like this does a disservice to everyone, the women pulling it off are being put down as having an easy life/it handed to them on a plate and the women that don't have those things are being told they can never have them because you can achieve this through systemic privilege and having things on a plate.

I am a put together mum that has always been complemented on how well I do at mothering, how well my daughter is doing, my career as a scientist is successful and I also look after my horse that I plan to teach my daughter to ride when she is a little older because horses have been the love of my life since I was born and it blows people's minds that I have the capacity to look after a horse too. I was born to a single mother in a council flat, who instilled in me that my only chance at a nice life was to work my ass off at school and get a good education, because she taught me to believe I deserved just as much as everyone else but I had to damn well go and earn it because she had nothing to give me. I also have two chronic illnesses resulting in chronic pain and tiredness and I have awful skin as a result of PCOS, it's also really fucking hard to stay a healthy weight and to keep on top of the grooming with all the bloody hairiness it gives me. My husband is not wealthy and we pay 50/50 for everything so no one is "relieving my financial burden" as you think these well put together women clearly are experiencing.

What this looks like in reality is getting up at 5am, go and muck out the horse, feed, turn out, her him at 6:30am, shower and change, brush my hair and oil it and leave it natural because it looks good that way. Put on some concealer for my awful skin, chuck some clothes on (I don't keep things that don't look good on me so it doesn't matter what I pick up, I don't outfit plan), spritz some perfume, spend an hour with my daughter getting her dressed and doing breakfast, take her to nursery and go to work myself for 10 hours if it's a work day, if it's a day off we start doing activities. I work condensed hours to go give me an extra day a week ith her so I get to have lots of time with her. Finish work at half 6, feed horse and bring in, get home and do/eat dinner which is always pre prepped, do bath time and bed time stories, put daughter in bed. Then I spend an hour cleaning and prepping for tomorrow and I'm on the sofa by 9 to do some crafting, work on a project or watch something interesting with my husband. Go to bed at half ten ready to do it all again tomorrow. Throughout the day I take painkillers for my chronic pelvic pain but I don't let it stop me unless it's really bad. It's a life of pure graft but god it's rewarding! Our home, our daughter, our horse, my career and achievements, our family life, I love it! Every day I wake up and feel blessed! When I get my precious two child free hours a week I'm galloping access the fields on top of the world not working on my hair or wardrobe.

If I can have this life from my humble beginnings and with chronic illness/pain, most people can! But that starts with believing they deserve it and they're going to go and get it, not believing it's unattainable because only people who are born into privilege and have.rich husbands can have it. OP can look as well put together as this woman if she puts the effort in. It doesn't happen by magic. Telling her she can't because she doesn't have the prerequisite privilege is stopping her achieving something that she clearly wants by entrenching the why bother mind set.

Hats off and huge respect to you 👏🏻

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 26/11/2025 14:44

I think with some of these things getting in a really good routine helps and dedicating a couple of hours per week to maintaining it. Only buying clothes that actually fit and suit you, figuring out a simple-ish make up and hair routine that you can just whack out in under ten mins every day. It might seem really hard to carve out that time initially but you are definitely worth it if it makes you feel better and when you get in a good routine it sort of just becomes the norm. Knowing what suits you definitely helps!

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