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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL never buys presents for grand kids. To not want to buy for her this year?

84 replies

snowhunny · 25/11/2025 12:59

So we have 2 DC under 4 and my MIL has never bought them anything.
Not when they were born, nothing for birthdays or Christmas's .

These are her only grandchildren as OH is the only sibling with kids.
The kids see her every 2 weeks as well.

I always buy her something from the kids for her birthday and for Christmas.
It was one of the DC birthday last week and he didn't even get a birthday card when she saw DC.

AIBU to not want to buy her Xmas and birthday presents?
I know Xmas is about giving but she dosent really make an effort.

Even when the kids have been born we have had to take them to see her.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 25/11/2025 13:42

On the one hand you don’t give to receive but on the other she doesn’t appear to give a shit so you can back away quietly and let your DH or DP do the running. Make her his responsibility

ShodAndShadySenators · 25/11/2025 13:43

You need to start reflecting her effort level right back at her.

Stop taking the kids to see her. If she wants to see them she can make the moves. Stop buying her gifts and cards.

If she complains, reply that you're just copying her, as that's obviously what she expects.

You would think that people who are grandparents will love their grandchildren and always want to see them and spend time with them. It isn't always the case, is it?

ldnmusic87 · 25/11/2025 13:43

It's down to your DH to manage this, it's his mother.

PandyMoanyMum · 25/11/2025 13:44

I assume she’s not frail or disabled?

Shelby2010 · 25/11/2025 13:45

Does she buy gifts or cards for you & DH?

Original poster
snowhunny · 25/11/2025 15:30

No she isn't frail or disabled, and no she never buys me or OH cards or gifts either.

I have already mentioned that im only really be buying presents for the kids this year.

His sisters are the same as well.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 25/11/2025 15:33

His sisters are the same

So give them the exact same energy they give you

TheatricalLife · 25/11/2025 15:33

YANBU. It doesn't sound like she will be overly bothered if you stop anyway seeing as none of them buy for each other.

GovernmentFundedSteak · 25/11/2025 15:33

Maybe they aren't a gift giving family? My step- dads family aren't either.

Abracadabrador · 25/11/2025 15:39

Follow her lead. It seems like she's been very clear about having no interest in your kids, and doesn't value gifts, so you don't need to give her any thought.

UrbanFan · 25/11/2025 16:14

She doesn't seem to be a gift giver and would likely be very pleased if you stopped dishing them out.

She sees the children every fortnight. Do they have a good time with her? Do they love spending time with their gran? If they do you should continue taking them to see her. Time spent together is more precious than any material gift.

At the same time not all Grand parents are interested in their Grand Children. Perhaps they would all be happy if you just left her alone.

ThePoshUns · 25/11/2025 16:17

They aren’t a family of gift givers by the sounds of it, so I wouldn’t bother buying for her. Is your relationship ok apart form this?

DappledThings · 25/11/2025 16:20

Why are you even asking? Presents aren't compulsory, she's clearly not into them and as your MIL not your mum she isn't even your responsibility.

I suspect you weren't actually thinking you needed validation for your choices but just wanted people to chime in to tell you how awful a person she is.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/11/2025 16:21

Stop making an effort with presents for her and visits to her as she makes absolutely no effort at all.

She sounds very rude and ungrateful.

newbeggins · 25/11/2025 16:24

Stop wasting money on a present for her! She gets no pleasure in gifting so stop doing it. Also it’s not your family dynamic to navigate. Leave it with DH

JetFlight · 25/11/2025 16:29

Do they do anything else? Money on an account? Spend time with them? Take them out?

TomatoSandwiches · 25/11/2025 16:32

When she sees the children is she interested in them or is she not fussed?

MeganM3 · 25/11/2025 16:35

I does seem strange, but at the same time some people and some families aren’t big on presents.
Her son should perhaps have a conversation with her.
You’d be completely reasonable not to buy her presents. If her son wants to then that’s his business, but you don’t need to have anything to do with it.

fatphalange · 25/11/2025 16:35

How utterly odd and sad. Does she accept the presents you give to her? If so, she’s not ‘anti-presents’. And yet it doesn’t prompt her to return the thought?
The answer is to just stop buying her anything or acknowledging special occasions for her, no mention of it. Just stop and see what happens.

Original poster
snowhunny · 25/11/2025 16:47

It's very strange as in the 13 years we have been together she has never even visited us at home.

OH has it in to his head that because she is his mum we/he/kids should visit her. I think this is what she has told him.

She is the one who wants them to visit.

I find this very strange as his mum is only 59 but my parents are 70 and 72 and still make time to visit and spend time with DC.

OP posts:
Linenpickle · 25/11/2025 16:50

sod that for a laugh. No, don’t buy them anything.

Mary46 · 25/11/2025 16:57

Op my mother is mean too kids get nothing.. I def dont make a big fuss now re gifts. Hurtful though isnt it.

yikesss · 25/11/2025 16:58

I would probably just gift some biscuits or similar

Darkchocokatetorte · 25/11/2025 17:00

What’s her background? Has she ever worked? Had a career?

TheatricalLife · 25/11/2025 17:23

snowhunny · 25/11/2025 16:47

It's very strange as in the 13 years we have been together she has never even visited us at home.

OH has it in to his head that because she is his mum we/he/kids should visit her. I think this is what she has told him.

She is the one who wants them to visit.

I find this very strange as his mum is only 59 but my parents are 70 and 72 and still make time to visit and spend time with DC.

Your DH is entitled to visit his mum and you are equally as entitled to take a giant leap back and not visit her or keep your visits to a few a year. You don't have to make an effort if it is never reciprocated. You don't have to fall out with her, just put in as much as she does. I'd certainly not be bothering to purchase gifts, your DH can do so if he wants, but you don't have to have anything to do with it.