MIL never buys presents for grand kids. To not want to buy for her this year?

[snowhunny]

So we have 2 DC under 4 and my MIL has never bought them anything.
Not when they were born, nothing for birthdays or Christmas's .

These are her only grandchildren as OH is the only sibling with kids.
The kids see her every 2 weeks as well.

I always buy her something from the kids for her birthday and for Christmas.
It was one of the DC birthday last week and he didn't even get a birthday card when she saw DC.

AIBU to not want to buy her Xmas and birthday presents?
I know Xmas is about giving but she dosent really make an effort.

Even when the kids have been born we have had to take them to see her.

Has she been invited to your home? This is all very odd. She isn’t much older than me, I can’t imagine behaving so oddly.

Yeah knock it on the head op

life’s too short to make efforts with people who can’t be fucked themselves even if it’s family

ive stepped back massively the last few years funnily enough from family members similar and I do t give a shit to be honest.
if the kids don’t have much of a relationship
with her that’s not your look out it’s hers.
she doesn’t sound that bothered to be honest anyway so don’t put yourselves out.

it’s a lovely feeling

No she's never worked or had any career.

Yeah we have invited her quite a few times but she always declines.

I find it very strange.
I will defo be stepping back and not making the effort from now on.

It’s so unusual as grandparents normally like to spoil their grandkids . I would save your money and not buy . If she says anything I’d just say you noticed she didn’t give gifts and you thought you were possibly upsetting her by giving them .

Stop buying her stuff. Have the kids make her a card and a little decoration. If she picks you up on it, say, I thought that this was the way you preferred it.

Old and frail should have nothing to do with it, we have an elderly relative who has lived in homes her entire adult life, she no longer mobile but insists she’s taken to the shops once a month now, it used to be to be more, her careers take her and her sole purpose is to buy the children in the family gifts. When she’s too unwell to go she tells her carers or extended family what she wants to buy the children and they do her shopping for her.

It sounds like mil just dosnt give a shit. I could understand if it’s a family that dosnt give gifts, that’s fine, don’t give any but they shouldn’t except any in return.

id also reduce visits to when it suites you, if she can’t be bothered to visit that’s on her but she see her grandchildren when you want, not her.

Yes you're doing the right thing to take a step back and stop wasting money on them. They can hardly complain!

No presents for any adults, kids only with a limit on spending for each child

Dh an take the kids to see his mother if she won’t come to you and you do something else

Only if the biscuits are stale!

Reading this thread…feel very lucky that you are not getting loads of gifts no-one wants.
Maybe she is the same as many on here, feels it is just a waste sharing tat!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5449320-xmas-gifts-i-hate-receiving?page=13&reply=148748972

My DM doesn't do gifts, I made a point by saying ‘I know you don't do gifts, but I've bought you a little treat’ . She was quite embarrassed at being caught out!

I’ve always said I give presents because I enjoy giving and don’t give to receive but if you’re always buying gifts for someone and they have never once returned the gesture I’d probably just stop bothering. If it’s you that usually goes out and gets the gifts I’d tell DH that I’m not getting her one so if he wants to he can deal with that himself

Stop buying her gifts, your DH can buy his mum presents if he wants. I wouldn't be visiting her house much either if she can't be bothered to come to yours.

Definitely never buy her another thing. What a weird grandmother!

She's one of those women who need to be in control and in her house she can feel closer to this role as some sort of matriarch.

It's incredibly dull and only hurts them in the long run.

I would just leave it to your husband to sort any Christmas gift if he feels inclined and a card from the little ones.

As they get older the children will have parties and hobbies so the visits will likely dwindle unless your DH takes them, I wouldn't be making too much effort.

Does she ever go anywhere?

If not, I'm wondering if she's struggling with agoraphobia maybe, or incontinence issues? Which might make it difficult to buy presents, if she isn't internet-savvy.

But maybe I'm just being naïve.

When taking into account her never visiting you either, YANBU. Relationships require mutual effort.

I wouldn't tell her you're only buying for the kids, let her find out on Xmas day. She's hardly going to call you out on it is she? If she does, "oh I thought we'd take a leaf out of your book and not bother with presents this year".

I would stop presents for sure.

But with two children that age, home made art would be bundled up all year 😜

a box in the kitchen, every very important mark on paper, for granny Christmas.

What does your DH say about it? Did she used to buy presents for him and his sister when they were little?

It's strange that she keeps accepting your gifts. If she was someone who didn't believe in buying presents you'd think she's tell you not to bother.

She sounds awful.
Tell your OH it is ALL on him.
Do nothing further.

Brilliant! Then there can’t be complaints about no presents 🤣

Did your Dh and his siblings receive presents for birthday/Christmas growing up? I find it very unusual that she doesn’t get anything, unless she’s struggling financially?

Bit of an odd one. Does OH have any idea why his family are like this? Is he the same?

Just stop buying her gifts, they obviously aren’t a gift giving family although I struggle to understand that they haven’t ever bought their grandkids anything- very thoughtless.

I’d keep buying just to be awkward. Small, cheap and pointless. Try and shame her into saying something.

Just don’t bother buying for her and match her energy in general. If she ever brings it up just say that you thought that tThe family wasn’t buying gifts anymore as your household never receives any so you assumed gifts weren’t important to anyone. It’s a bit odd that she doesn’t want to buy for the grandkids, but if she doesn’t buy for anyone else then she can’t expect anything in return

Simply stop buying gifts for the Grinches. To not even bother to give your own grandchildren birthday cards would make me angry and I'd stop getting her a card. Let her see how she feels with no cards.