MIL never buys presents for grand kids. To not want to buy for her this year?

[snowhunny]

So we have 2 DC under 4 and my MIL has never bought them anything.
Not when they were born, nothing for birthdays or Christmas's .

These are her only grandchildren as OH is the only sibling with kids.
The kids see her every 2 weeks as well.

I always buy her something from the kids for her birthday and for Christmas.
It was one of the DC birthday last week and he didn't even get a birthday card when she saw DC.

AIBU to not want to buy her Xmas and birthday presents?
I know Xmas is about giving but she dosent really make an effort.

Even when the kids have been born we have had to take them to see her.

Not strange at all. Not everyone interested in contributing to the commercial chaos or wasting money on gifts which will possibly be discarded after a few hours anyway.

Gift giving and receiving has hugely lost it appeal over the years.

OP, let your DH deal with it if they question but it doesn't seem like they will.

Fabulous, isn't it!

So much less waste, so much less of ‘everyone swapping presents that neither giver or receiver wants’. 😊

This isn’t your responsibility in the first place. It’s up to your husband.

Sounds like you married into a rather miserable dysfunctional family IMO. I think you should stop buying anything for any people who don't reciprocate, and spend the money on makjng Christmas a magical time for you, your DH and DCs, so that they don't grow up being such emotionless killjoys. I'm interested in your DH's take on this, does he enjoy and participate fully in Christmas, birthdays etc, or would he, left alone, be as neutral about celebrations as the rest of his family?

What was DH’s childhood like?

Is she a Jehovah’s Witness?

My Nan (Dad's side) was like this. Long back story but my Parents bought her a present, visiting a couple of times a year and job done. Their view was we care and no way are we giving you 'emotional ammo' to fling back!

I’d get her a gift still.

That’s sounds like the easiest solution on earth, don’t visit her. The relationship is a one way street and lucky you, she will never bother you again.

Just drop her a text. Hi MIL, I can see you are not keen on present giving so from this year, we are going to stop. Hope that is okay, let us know if you would like to do something different.

This - if anyone says anything you respond with : I’ve realised as a family you all don’t seem comfortable with buying each other gifts so we’ve chosen to respect your position and no longer foist unwanted presents on you. Sorry it took us a while to realise, and for any discomfort caused by our generosity, but we’re stopping now.

@snowhunny are you the one buying gifts or does DH buy them?

How did you get into this habit? What made you think to buy her a gift if she’s never bought you one and your husband has never bought her one? I’d leave all gifts to his family to him.

Tell your husband that it’s his responsibility to sort gifts for his family if he wants to do so. If he doesn’t that’s fine. Your mistake was assuming responsibility for this in the first place. I’m sure it came from a kind place but not your circus etc.

Since we had DC I always thought it would be a nice gesture to buy her something from the kids.

Gifts such as Ted Baker wash sets, Ghost perfume, Lush bath bombs etc.

Never got a thank you and it was only when it was recently one of DC birthday (she knew it was his birthday as I was there when OH told her a week before ) that she didn't even bother getting him a card or present I thought I'm done making the effort with her.

I told OH and he just asked me "can't you just get her something cheap?" I said no way as I don't care she dosent get me nothing but she don't even bother with her own grandkids I'm done.

He isn't really keen on Xmas but will buy me and DC presents and small token gifts for his siblings and mum.

@snowhunny what his birthday and Christmas like as a DC? Was MIL a hands on mum?

I told OH and he just asked me “can’t you just get her something cheap?”

Why is it your responsibility to get his mum a present???

Tell him you’ve had enough of sorting his family admin and if he wants to sort her something that’s up to him.

😂 the nerve of him! Glad you've stuck to your guns and said no.

OH has said that has said that money was always tight at Christmas and birthdays but she always got them cheap presents as she was a single parent for 6 years until she met the younger siblings dad.

The step dad pretty much favoured his own kids as I remember he told me quite bitterly that they all went on a holiday to Florida and left him and sister with their grandparents when he was 15.
I think that is quite awful.

She also allowed the step dad to throw him out when he was 19 even though it was his mum's house.

Then I'd say I notice nobody gives cards or presents to each other in your family so from now on unless you buy the DH we will only spend on each other, the kids and my family. Baby can give a homemade card

That's really sad. It sounds to me like he is absolutely desperate for her approval, understandably. I'm not sure what the answer is to that one, especially if he can't see it. I would stick to your guns, but make it clear you won't stand in the way of him having whatever relationship he wants with his mum and of course, he can buy her presents himself.

Agree.

She may even be hoping you will stop.

I'd probably do a card, simply because I find a total lack of acknowledgement a bit embarrassing, but if you prefer not to, there is no reason you need to in the circumstances.

That's so sad.

If i were him I'd just be skipping the gifts, but I agree it's complicated for you to get involved and is something he needs to work his way through.

That's up to your OH, 100%. Don't get her anything; he decides what he does. Don't let it take up any more brain space.