Ex Letting DS6 Watch Harry Potter

[Lestranged]

Name changed as if the ex (or anyone IRL) sees this it will be outing and I don't want it connected to previous threads.

Ex and I divorced around 2.5 years ago and DS6 is now with her EOW during term time, 50/50 over school holidays.

Ex has read Harry Potter to DS from a young age, but only the first three books. We agreed around a year ago that DS was okay to watch the first three films. I was less keen because I thought it would lead to him wanting to watch the later films which in my opinion are not suitable for young children.

DS was with Ex over the weekend and casually mentioned that he has now watched all of the Harry Potter films. I assumed he was either mistaken or lying so I asked Ex (we have a generally amicable and good co-parenting relationship). It turns out that Ex has let DS watch ALL of the films including the two Deathly Hallows.

For context, DS currently seems fine but has recently been prone to nightmares and I have only managed to get him back to sleeping in his own bed in the last couple of months. I watched Home Alone with him last weekend and he was scared by some elements of that.

I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I am really angry with Ex for doing this. I guess I just want to see what other MNetters think about it and what (if anything) I should do or say.

YABU - it is fine for DS to have watched this and I am overreacting
YANBU - no parent in their right mind would have allowed a 6YO to watch these films

It depends on the individual child of course but my 7 year old has had all all the books read to her, has watched all the films and is currently reading the books to herself, she's on the chamber of secrets. She's never seemed overwhelmed or scared.

I'm pretty sure I'm in my right mind, as are all her friends parents who have also let their kids watch the films.

Tbh my main objection would be him watching the films before reading the books, always read the books first!

I think it's fine tbh. It'd just Harry Potter, yes the last 2 films are a bit dark but many 6yos would be fine watching them

Presumably she watched them incrementally and saw how he managed with the previous ones.

@Swissmeringue Thank you - you do sound like you are of sound mind! Glad I asked!

My just turned 7 year old is currently reading the books (as a school reading book) and has watched most of the films. They love it!

I don't see an issue. My eldest read all the books by the time she was 7 and then wanted to watch the films. My youngest is 7 now and isn't particularly interested but has seen the films with her sister.

Apparently Ex / her partner were with DS at all times for the last two films and explained things / checked with him that he was okay etc.
This is probably the first time that Ex has unilaterally changed course on something that we had both agreed on, so I was a bit side-swiped.
Also....am I the only adult who finds the Deathly Hallows films a bit scary? 😆

DS9 is on audiobook 5 (dyslexic, hence the audiobooks) and has seen all the films except the last two- mainly because they are quite dark. Think I’ll probably relent this Christmas though, as he’s watched all of the LoTR films, and the Hobbit trilogy now….

Impossible to answer depends on the kid. I’ve known kids watch them age 4/5 and be perfectly fine with a clear understanding of reality and film

if the kids overly sensitive then no probably not the best idea until they can fully comprehend the fact it’s not real.

any concrete evidence that fictional works are causing night terrors?

would perhaps be a good time to instil the difference between real life and fiction in the child

They are kids films so I think it's fine. Although my DS found them really boring until he was about 10 or so.

Exactly - depends on the kids - the same 4/5 yr old watched all LOTRs at 6/7 and loves all stranger things.

it’s just what it is

Not the only adult, I find it scary too, and it would’ve terrified mine at that age. Would I pick it as a hill to die on? Probably not. Many kids had seen the lot by the third year of primary.

Also, DS is currently seeing a play therapist once a week, has an educational psychologist appointment lined up and I am booked in with SEN Co. at school to fill out some my assessment paperwork which I have been warned will be "gritty". There is every chance that I am overly sensitive about his mental health at the moment.
Other things have happened previously at Ex's house which have impacted on DS's mindset, but I am happy to admit that I was wrong on this occasion!

Personally I don't think that there is anything more scary in Harry Potter books than the average fairy tale - grandmother being eaten by a wolf, children being abandoned by their parents to walk through a forest alone & meeting a witch who keeps them in a cage with a view to eating them, step mothers trying to poison young women etc.

I remember loving scary stories as a child. Driving across Dartmoor at night my father would tell us about the legend of the headless horseman & pretend that he just saw him, he would pretend that the 'hairy hands (another Dartmoor legend) had taken control of the steering wheel or that there was a highwayman or an escaped convict lurking behind a tree. We would squeal and scream & loved it. But then we knew that they were only stories and not real, we were just engaging in my dad's stories.

But I agree that the final 2 HP films are rather full-on and could upset a sensitive child -it rather depends on the child. As long as the child knows that it's only a story, not real and that they are safe at home with their parents I don't really feel it's an issue.

My DDs had listened to the audiobooks of all the HPs by the time they were 6. DD2 (9) still hasn’t seen deathly hallows but that’s because she gets quite emotionally affected by what she watches rather than because I have any problem with it. DD1 saw them at about 8. I think if you know your child and are there to talk it through with them, 6 is on the young side but not outside the realms of reasonableness.

All of mine had seen all the films by 6. PG means parental guidance… your ex watched with your DS, and he clearly wanted to watch them.

Home Alone is completely different imo, burglars coming to your house is a very real concept, flying around on brooms with magic wands… less so.

As an aside I don’t think it sounds like something you agreed on together, it sounds like something you wanted and she said yes to ages ago and then reassessed as your child has got older and made a parenting decision herself, as she’s well within her rights to. It’s Harry Potter, not letting him take a transatlantic flight unaccompanied.

I think your ex is as much of a parent as you are and is allowed to make decisions about what happens with your DS when he's at their house.

For example, one parent might think a child is too young at a certain age to, eg, make a hot drink for themselves or run up to the corner shop on their own while the other parent might think it's fine.

You don't have to let your child watch Harry Potter at your house if you don't feel it's appropriate, but your Ex is a co-parent and is therefore able to make the decision for their child at their house, just like you are at yours.

Personally, I don't think it actually does a child any harm to be scared sometimes in a safe way, if they are happy to watch something scary.

@Whatsthatsheila
any concrete evidence that fictional works are causing night terrors?
No, none at all. However, DS's nightmares are often centred around someone doing something bad to me or other members of his family. So I am concerned by the level of violence and death in the last two films as the body count is largely teachers and main characters' family members

The last films are a 12 aren’t they?

Not a chance I would have allowed mine to watch those final films at 6! Mine were older than that when they came out and I still watched them first to judge properly and thought " no way!"

You are definitely not being unreasonable

@Lestranged YANBU at all

Only the first 3 films are rated PG, the rest are 12A

Harry Potter Movies Ranked

So they're not suitable for a 6 year old

In two minds about this.

HP isn't particularly bad, and if they watched it together and chat about it , it should be fine.

However, some people tend to let children watch things much above their age. It will be very hard to reach some common grounds or compromise if the other parent don't share your position, things will always tend to slip. Not sure what I'm trying to say - maybe pick your battles , don't try to set too many rules in a hope that when you'll feel really strongly about something, it will be respected. Maybe try to get a verbal agreement for this principle.

@gucciandscandal @BauhausOfEliott
I absolutely understand that Ex has as much parental responsibility as I do and I accept that I have no sway over what she does with DS when he is in her care. This is not about me trying to control what Ex does with DS.

She does have form for doing things that negatively impact DS without thinking it through. I have form for being over-cautious with DS. So I have brought it here for public opinion.
IRL most people I know remember how shockingly bad a parent / wife Ex was during the first few years of DS's life, so they are quick to judge her - I came on here for a more unbiased opinion, which is what I am getting

12A

The first Deathly Hallows film contains torture. I agree with you and wouldn’t consider the later films suitable for a six year old.

However I don’t think that there’s much that you can do about it unfortunately.

Well, there is a good parental guide on IMDb you could draw attention to, but expect the only thing that would get point across is if your child tells your ex it was too scary for them.