Ex Letting DS6 Watch Harry Potter

[Lestranged]

Name changed as if the ex (or anyone IRL) sees this it will be outing and I don't want it connected to previous threads.

Ex and I divorced around 2.5 years ago and DS6 is now with her EOW during term time, 50/50 over school holidays.

Ex has read Harry Potter to DS from a young age, but only the first three books. We agreed around a year ago that DS was okay to watch the first three films. I was less keen because I thought it would lead to him wanting to watch the later films which in my opinion are not suitable for young children.

DS was with Ex over the weekend and casually mentioned that he has now watched all of the Harry Potter films. I assumed he was either mistaken or lying so I asked Ex (we have a generally amicable and good co-parenting relationship). It turns out that Ex has let DS watch ALL of the films including the two Deathly Hallows.

For context, DS currently seems fine but has recently been prone to nightmares and I have only managed to get him back to sleeping in his own bed in the last couple of months. I watched Home Alone with him last weekend and he was scared by some elements of that.

I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I am really angry with Ex for doing this. I guess I just want to see what other MNetters think about it and what (if anything) I should do or say.

YABU - it is fine for DS to have watched this and I am overreacting
YANBU - no parent in their right mind would have allowed a 6YO to watch these films

Hi there, I'm a big-time Harry Potter fan but I also was an adult when I got into this.
I don't even watch the Harry Potter films, as good as the actors in them are, they can't hold a candle to the books, and too much is left out / changed for my liking.

I think if the child has the love of reading and ability to read the vocabulary to plow their way through reading the books themselves, that's one thing but popping a kid down in front of all the films, (especially the last few) feels like lazy parenting and honestly, 6 years old for the last few Harry Potter films? I wouldn't.

You're right, they were filmed with the music, the color palette, the angles, everything was created to intentionally evoke a sense of tension, that's the point. Because as the series progresses, it gets more dark it gets more serious, obviously they couldn't keep the films all light and airy and cutesy pootsey... I could see those last few films causing some problems in a child of that age. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I mean, it's not like they plopped her down in front of the saw series or squid game or something, but yeah. It's about appropriate milestones and boundaries that you have pre-discussed with the other co-parent which were ignored and you were not told until after the fact. Your ex is making parenting decisions that you don't agree with, and if your child has nightmares you're the one who's going to have to deal with the fallout.

I think it's fine. A lot of Disney films are terrifying especially the early ones yet classed as perfectly ok for very young children. Similarly traditional fairy tales are very frightening. I don't think Harry Potter is anymore scary than many of those

I acknowledge this and breaking up the family was not something that either of us took lightly. Generally speaking, DS has been happier and more rounded since we separated as the home environment was very toxic beforehand.
I am not minimising the impact of a break up on any child, if anything this is my point. DS can be insecure and emotionally sensitive because of his bad home life and then the break up. I take this into consideration all the time when I make choices for him and it is another reason that I wouldn't have shown him these films.

I didn't like films like Jurassic park - I was 8 when it came out, and it had too much suspense for me. I don't like horror films either. I read the harry potter books as a teenager when they first came out so I've never found the stories scary, apart from maybe the first part of book four when the caretaker goes to the house and finds Lord Voldemort. But by the time the films came out, I had matured enough to be able to watch them without feeling scared. I would have thought as an 8 year old I could have watched the films without feeling scared.

Not helpful or an appropriate comment.

My child does not have a love of reading - he struggles with reading and needs a great deal of support with it, which in turn means he hates it.
He has the first few HPs as audio-books and I knew he had watched those films (although I have only watched the Philosopher's Stone with him, it is more Ex's thing than mine).
I don't think she plonked him down in front of the films as such, she / her partner was there with him and it sounds like she did a good job of explaining things, but I do think reading the books with him first would have at least helped. In that regard, I do agree that it is lazy of her.
FWIW something did happen at her house which somehow meant DS could describe (in detail) the opening sequences of Scream at the age of 5. This did leave him traumatised and I have never got to the bottom of how he saw it...

Totally dependent on the child. My eldest read and watched them all when he was about 7/8 and was absolutely fine. Younger DS is 7 and there’s no way he’d ever want to, he’d be terrified.

Self advocating is a vital skill - it’s never too early to start. Make sure they know you’ve got their backs but in every regard I never intervene unless it’s red line (this isn’t) or they really don’t feel they can after trying.

I need to do far more of this for DS - we've been working on a lot of different things where he is too reliant on me and we are chipping away at it together!

He’s only 6 - it’s a long process! Mine are secondary aged now. You’re doing really well and fwiw, remember it’s all going to be fine, they mature so much, we expect big skills of quite small people. It sounds like you made a v good decision to split to me given it all. It enables you both to parent the way you think is best.

I do think they are a bit dark for a 6 year old but if he seems unfazed I woundnt be bothered. I just know my 5 years old wouldn’t sleep if he watched something like that. There are some really scary older movies for kids that are worse. like the witches I remember watching when I was 6 and being terrified and not being able to sleep that night.

I still hate the witches. I maybe overthink but I feel it reflects what Dahl believed women were really like when they took off their wigs, feels fundamentally misogynist. And no happy ending!

DS REALLY STRUGGLES with no happy ending - so at least they bashed through the two deathly hallows in one weekend and he got to see Neville being magnificently heroic!
(big soft spot for Neville - no idea why)

Plus DS is terrified of The Witches novel and we have never read it all the way through.
He is also scared of the "real" Grinch film but fine with the animated version.

DD is 5 and has recently watched most of the Harry Potter films - she didn’t watch all of the last two but the rest she was fine with. It was her choice rather than mine (although I’m a massive fan and she’s played with my memorabilia wands and helped build Lego etc).
similar to your DS, she has a soft spot for Ron Weasley so was delighted when we had a HP book signed for her by Arthur Weasley last week when we met Mark Williams.
Having said that, she is quite non plussed by fiction, in that it doesn’t affect her, I know other children that struggle with any kind of peril at that age so totally child dependant

I’d be incensed that my child had seen all the films before reading/being read books 4-7! The books are definitely superior and now your son’s had the surprises and plot twists spoiled for him by the abbreviated versions of the stories.

i do think the later books and movies have too much violence for six-year-olds.

I tthink it depends on the child too- and perhaps your DS zoned out maybe for the later ones- they are quite long and quite boring in places?

My autistic 15 year old has only recently been able to manage the later ones. My NT 13 year old was a rabid fan of them all by 10.

I would have thought aged 6 is a little young for the later ones myself, but maybe there was a judgement call and it seemed okay at the time?

In other words- neither of you are necessarily wrong or right... I think.

PS- also LOVED Neville being a true hero. His almost parallel story to Harry was a slow-burner and my favourite storyline. Love Luna too.

Me and my 6 year old watch them and he’s starting to read the books with me. I don’t see an issue.

I’m not sure the books are superior, really. I love them, but they simply aren’t well written in terms of literary merit. They’re yompingly paced, and JK Rowling IS very good at world building in the books- but both of these you can also get from the films.

And for a child who struggles with reading (as does the OPs child, and my own- in our case DS has dyslexia), and has come to “hate” it- actually allowing them to access stories through other mediums first can be helpful- especially if you keep the subtitles on- as it helps with context/keeping hold
of the plot line/ name recognition etc when struggling with the mechanics of reading the books.

Re the PP referring to the violence and torture in the first Deathly Hallows - It’s the torture of Hermione in particular, a ‘child’ that readers / viewers had grown up with, that upset my son.

Although audible versions read by Stephen fry are great and JK does have lovely descriptive language…

I had entirely forgotten about this part of the plot - I was watching pt 1 last night and realised it was pointless because I was looking for things to be angry about instead of being objective. I think I will re-watch both soon though just in case anything comes up

With the fears that your DS has in his nightmares I think the agreement to stop prior to DH was the correct one.

Thank goodness your DS is ok. I’d be disappointed that your ex didn’t even inform you and say why she felt it was ok to unilaterally let him watch them.

They are… BUT… I don’t like SF’s way of reading female characters. His interpretation of female characters often has an odd tone to me- slightly… I don’t know… a bit spiteful? The tone is often unnecessarily hectoring, a bit panto dame, or a bit dense… I’m not sure I’m explaining it well! Just a vibe!

I also think you have a very valid point about growing up with the characters - I know the storylines aren't exactly centred in reality but you do become attached humanity of the characters and I think that blurs the lines of fiction and reality for a young child. I also feel that the characters have out-grown DS for now.