I can't use her for childcare can I?

[Looklikepob]

I had a big falling out with my mum who often takes care of my baby. She has a whole range of superstitions and strange habits that are increasing in number and absurdity.

The other day, she told me not to take my baby out after 4pm because it gets dark. She got quite upset, nearly tearful when I pointed out this was absurd and not happening.

She frequently gets angry at me for breaking one of her 'rules'- these have included never buying frozen food without traveling by car in case it defrosts on the way (10 minute walk), not eating meat with dairy products, never going into lifts alone, never doing certain things on certain days e.g. getting a haircut on a Wednesday. Every month something new has been added.

She's generally angry and tells me off in front of my child saying quite harsh things, like we (siblings and I) have never done anything for her. Interactions with her are stressful as she is becoming more emotional and unreasonable.

I'm a single parent and need the extra childcare but this is not good for my child is it? I am worried that she will a) get sucked into conspiracy theories, b) has an early form of dementia.

Just to add, I will certainly have to change jobs without her childcare and take on a much lower salary. I can't really afford to do this.

AIBU to not put my child in her care anymore and tell her why?

It doesn't sound like a great idea to use her for childcare.

She sounds unwell, there is no way I’d let her around my child alone.

Could you look into nursery instead?

It sounds like you might do shift work or odd working patterns eg a nurse so you can’t use regular childcare?

Sounds so tough, I’m not sure she is best looking after a small child.

Could you get an au pair?

It's the pre and post nursery childcare she does as I have to work until 5pm and nursery opens late and closes early. I can't really afford to pay for someone to do these hours. I'm already using free nursery hours.

I would try to live on a lower salary if needed, but just wondering if I am being too dramatic as her care of the baby seems fine apart from her tearyness, anger at me and weird ideas.

Consider a different nursery/childminder. Unless you’re a high earner you’ll get help with costs.

That does sound very difficult. Are you getting all the benefits you can? Do you get the UC childcare element?
Your mum doesn’t sound very well unfortunately.

Your mum sounds unwell. I wouldn't leave my child with her.

I can understand why she might feel used and uncared-for if your main concern here is losing your free childcare.

If she can’t accept that you and she do things differently with regard to freezer food, lifts, the dark etc then I think this arrangement will blow up sooner or later because she will have “rules” about what your child does.

Different nursery/CM? Yours sounds particularly inconvenient.

Has she always been like this, or is it new?

Absolutely no chance I’d be leaving my baby with her! Sounds like she needs to see a doctor as well, with you there.

You need to find a nursery with proper hours for working parents. Opening late and closing early doesn’t sound helpful for anyone working full time-hours.

Your mum’s behaviour is a different issue that needs to be approached with care. Has she always had odd and restrictive beliefs? What you’re describing sounds like it could be OCD. It’s definitely a mental health issue, not just a ‘mum being difficult’ issue.

This sounds like an obsessive compulsive disorder rather than dementia or just being difficult. The reason why she becomes tearful and distressed is because not following one of "the rules" is deeply disturbing and distressing to her - often compulsive thoughts about harm coming to her or one of her loved ones.

It might be worth exploring with her whether she recognises that some of her beliefs are having a big impact on her life (including the risk of alienating her from family), and if she recognises that, then to ask her to seek help from her GP - the right type of therapy can often help significantly with OCD.

Your mother sounds mentally unwell (OCD?)or has early onset dementia. She needs to see a doctor with you there to outline the main issues. There is no way I would leave my child with her. No chance.

Can you minimise your interaction with her, if her care of the baby itself is actually fine? If she wants to tell you stuff you could ask her to write it all down on paper for you to reflect on (and then bin it without reading)

Definitely sounds like ocd, she needs help op try to get her to see someone and resolving that may have double benefits as you’ll get a healthy mum and they can keep hanging out. My daughter has it I’m sure ( no diagnosis but it’s a bit obvious, like your mum) but she’s very self aware and when she starts spiraling she has good coping strategies that she’s developed herself. So it is doable to see improvements.

Is the current nursery school hours only? That wouldn't work for many people. There are many, many childminders and nurseries who are open for proper working hours, so start looking for one. It doesn't sound safe to leave your baby with your mother, I'm sorry. This sounds like a really concerning situation for you.

Stop telling her stuff … she doesn’t need to know you have bought frozen food, gone out after dark, been to the hairdressers etc. If she offers unsolicited advice, say “thanks for the warning” and move on.

I’m assuming she has been like this your whole life, so you must have coping mechanisms in place.

As for looking after your child, I doubt she’s harmful, she brought you up ok.

I think it’s really hard but in your situation if definitely think very carefully before giving up a good job for a much worse one. I would save up as well whilst monitoring the situation to see if it improves. When your child hits school age and so understands much more of what is going on around her would you still need that childcare support?

I don’t see the point of this post. All you have to do is ask about different childcare options but you are using it to bash this poor woman. You also fell out with her. You must have played a part in your falling out because it usually takes two. You are mad because you can’t exploit her for childcare.

and fyi many people don’t like going out in the dark even if it is relatively early -especially after covid.Many people I know are like that. Her thing about defrosted food is real. If you eat partially defrosted chicken for example it can make you ill. Or she may have got a mixed up with the rules about heating defrosted food. I suspect that you are exaggerating some of this. And it isn’t very kind.

This comment is so out of touch to the op

I think you need to talk to her about her welbeing

Presumably the nursery is school hours. The one near to me shuts at 2.30! These type aren't really for childcare for working parents. Look for somewhere else. And strongly encourage getting mum to the GP. If she will not, you can still pass information about her to the GP without her consent to share; write an email or do a phone call. The GP won't be able to divulge anything but they can listen and contact her themselves if felt necessary.

I don't think your post is very kind actually.
The point of OP's post is her dilemma about childcare and it was necessary for her to describe the issue with her DM so that pp could understand why she felt her DM wasn't suitable.
I don't see OP as " bashing" this woman in any way.

Kindly, she really does sound unwell. You need to talk to her.