I can't use her for childcare can I?

[Looklikepob]

I had a big falling out with my mum who often takes care of my baby. She has a whole range of superstitions and strange habits that are increasing in number and absurdity.

The other day, she told me not to take my baby out after 4pm because it gets dark. She got quite upset, nearly tearful when I pointed out this was absurd and not happening.

She frequently gets angry at me for breaking one of her 'rules'- these have included never buying frozen food without traveling by car in case it defrosts on the way (10 minute walk), not eating meat with dairy products, never going into lifts alone, never doing certain things on certain days e.g. getting a haircut on a Wednesday. Every month something new has been added.

She's generally angry and tells me off in front of my child saying quite harsh things, like we (siblings and I) have never done anything for her. Interactions with her are stressful as she is becoming more emotional and unreasonable.

I'm a single parent and need the extra childcare but this is not good for my child is it? I am worried that she will a) get sucked into conspiracy theories, b) has an early form of dementia.

Just to add, I will certainly have to change jobs without her childcare and take on a much lower salary. I can't really afford to do this.

AIBU to not put my child in her care anymore and tell her why?

"you are mad because you can't exploit her for childcare"?
How nasty! You are the one being unkind, for a start you've made this up The OP is a working parent trying to juggle childcare, this is not exploitation.
The OPs Mum is clearly unwell and this is becoming more obvious , agreeing with some of the points she has expressed is not helpful.

Is this unusual for her or a change? I'd be worried for her health and try to get her to see a doctor. Though good luck getting her to go.

One of my child’s nursery teachers used to babysit for me outside of the nursery, could you ask if any of them could do that until you get back from work? Could you compress your hours so you work late one or two days and just get cover for those days?

I think I'd still use her unless I felt she was an unsafe person. She's just a bit strange with rules. Think I'd pretend to follow her rules when visiting, to save the arguments. I wouldn't downgrade jobs because of it. When your child is in full time school, you could use the school clubs for vefore and after school and the holiday club.

Did you miss the part where she said irrationally angry?

It's often not a good idea to regularly rely on family for childcare, even if they don't havd restrictive ideas or unusual superstitions. Is your mum behaving more abnormally than previously? Has she seen her GP recently?

have you genuinely looked at all other options of child care that you can utilise such as changing to a later nursery or childminder?

mum is clearly (with the utmost respect) absolutely cuckoo and your kid will end up being affected by her oddities

you also wonder if there is a dementia starting and to be honest you shouldn’t be letting her look after child anyway if you suspect that’s the case?

if all childcare is completely out of the question then you need to first of all look at changing work hours/pattern etc and look at flexible working request due to childcare issues. Is there any work you can do from home perhaps or make up hours elsewhere ?

My mother is like this. She has very strange, illogical ideas. It's impossible to get through to her.

E.g. she decided the gas bill was too high. The solution was to have the gas fire removed and she uses an electric heater for hours on end. Of course, she's now complaining that the electric bill is through the roof.

What did she think was going to happen? I tried to tell her it was a false economy - but nothing. It's like talking to a chair. I have a life time of bat shit examples. There's nothing you can do with someone like this.

I can't say if she's safe to look after your child. Go with your gut instinct OP. I don't think a child would be at risk with my mother. However, I wouldn't want them around this sort of disordered thinking. The last thing I'd want is that nonsense being passed down.

Is this a recent thing or has she always been like this? If it's recent, there could be an underlying reason for it.

This isn't usual, I'd worry that she is in some form of neurological decline. Meanwhile I'd continue to use her for childcare, even just to be able to observe her more. Hide anything you are doing that doesn't fit the rules. Have you got any other family that you can talk this over with?
@BatshitOutofHell or the OP's Mother could have early dementia etc and the OP isn't exaggerating. 4pm isn't late, most children don't get home from school by then. It isn't helpful or kind to minimise worrying symptoms.

Would a job change and lower salary be better off than paying for some wraparound care for a few years?

I feel for you, that's so hard to see and your mum sounds like she has a disorder of some kind, definitely not good to expose your daughter to what you grew up with:(

she needs to see a GP with you present so you can explain what’s going on. I wouldn’t leave your child with her while she’s unwell.

Does she have OCD? She sounds quite unwell.
I think planning for an alternative childcare option sounds like a good idea. Also speaking to your siblings about her mental ill health or maybe contacting her GP.

You surely must be entitled to universal credit element of childcare costs - have you checked the calculator

What's happening at the moment when you collect the baby after work in the dark? Are you dealing with that particular 'rule' every time? Have your siblings noticed this?

She’s sounds like she’s really struggling with anxiety. I’m currently having some help through talking therapies with my own anxiety as my own dd pointed out that it was now effecting her life. I’m constantly over protective after a distressing incident a few years back. Maybe if you explain how it might affect your relationship with her she may seek help?

Sorry Ponoka7, didn't mean to quote you ❤

Can’t you look for another nursery? It seems highly unusual for a day nursery to close at 5pm. Most people are likely to work until then or later, then need to get from work to the nursery for pick up. It’s a long while since my kids were in nursery but the hours were 8-6. I certainly wouldn’t be using someone who’s spouting those sorts of mad things to look after my child, no matter how cheap or even free it was.

Sounds like OCD to me OP, and no she's not suitable to care for your child.

You need to see what other childcare options you have and if you are getting all your benefits or if you could get childcare vouchers.

This sort of thing will make your child very anxious.

I watched a Facebook video the other days,a woman was talking about opening a childcare through the Gov UK website, which meant you only pay 80% of you childcare costs as it is topped up from government funds.
You may have already looked at this, but if not,it may help.

It's fucking with your head so it will fuck woth theirs.

Kids are impressionable and these behaviours have every chance of becoming an OCD for them.

Most nurseries near me open from 7:30-6. Can you find one near you with better hours? Why did you choose the current one? Did you particularly like it?

You will know this best... are some relatedd to religion/ethnic background? Just saw the separation of meat and milk.

I would look at a nursery or childminder that can provide more hours. If that won’t work, I would explore if there are options with your current work to cut your hours or wfh more in order to be able to make childcare work.

I'm afraid she shouldn't be left with your child. Sorry, but your mum has gone bananas for some reason. These rules are coming from a place of anxiety though - either cognitive decline or a lot like OCD.