I can't use her for childcare can I?

[Looklikepob]

I had a big falling out with my mum who often takes care of my baby. She has a whole range of superstitions and strange habits that are increasing in number and absurdity.

The other day, she told me not to take my baby out after 4pm because it gets dark. She got quite upset, nearly tearful when I pointed out this was absurd and not happening.

She frequently gets angry at me for breaking one of her 'rules'- these have included never buying frozen food without traveling by car in case it defrosts on the way (10 minute walk), not eating meat with dairy products, never going into lifts alone, never doing certain things on certain days e.g. getting a haircut on a Wednesday. Every month something new has been added.

She's generally angry and tells me off in front of my child saying quite harsh things, like we (siblings and I) have never done anything for her. Interactions with her are stressful as she is becoming more emotional and unreasonable.

I'm a single parent and need the extra childcare but this is not good for my child is it? I am worried that she will a) get sucked into conspiracy theories, b) has an early form of dementia.

Just to add, I will certainly have to change jobs without her childcare and take on a much lower salary. I can't really afford to do this.

AIBU to not put my child in her care anymore and tell her why?

Agree with others. I wouldn’t let her look after your child. As the child gets older, she could start to impose weird behaviours on them. Have you spoken to her about it, that she needs to see her GP?

I agree she sounds unwell but it sounds like an anxiety disorder which can be treated/ cured rather than dementia which cannot. That doesn’t solve your immediate problem but if she is open to getting some help she might be able to resume childcare at some point soon

This. I'm sorry, what a hard situation

I think maybe find another nursery or top up with a childminder.

Has she seen a doctor. Definitely sounds like ocd. Anxiety spiralling. I personally wouldn't want her influence on my child . But understand you are in a very difficult situation.

OP look for a different nursery. Most day nurseries open more like 8-6pm at a minimum.
Echoing others, she doesn't sound well. I wouldn't leave my chkld with her and I'd encourage her to go to the GP.

I would tell her straight out that she seems to have ocd and she needs to tell her gp all her "rules" and see what she makes out of it.
Tell her that she can obey to any weird rules she wants but stop trying to tell you what to do.

Or try to win her over by humour.
"Really mum, are you sure it's not on a Monday you shouldn't go to a hairdresser? That's what I heard."
" Actually this article says that frozen stuff can be outside for x minutes in my special thermo bag so don't worry."
"You know that you are more likely to get an heart attack due to anxiety than anything bad happening to me for breaking your arbitrary rules".

Is there a voice of reason she will listen to? My Mil thought her gp was God so I told her to ask him anytime she was "sure" about something. He was a family doctor and prescribed her antidepressants that helped her anxiety but he phrased it as it would help her muscular pain or she wouldn't have taken them. And he didn't lie because when she was less anxious she relaxed more and was in less pain.

Umm, well Op's Mum is possibly very mentally unwell? And her biggest concern is that it'll dry up her free childcare? So in my opinion OP can bog right off if that's her biggest 'issue' in the circumstances 🙄

Sounds like a form of OCD

I would try and find a local childminder or babysitter who won’t mind doing the extra hour until 6pm/6.30pm. my friend actually found one of the nursery workers was happy to do out of hours pick ups etc. obviously only works if they are not on shift!!

Your mum sounds like she is unwell. I’d say “mum your behaviour at the moment is concerning and I think you need some help from the doctor. I’m happy to go with you. Until you tackle it I can’t leave my child alone with you, sorry”

Oddly, I find it unsettling to see small children (i.e. in a pushcair) out late at night - by which I mean after 7 whether it's dark or not. I vaguely wonder what is the matter - of course, they are probably going home from visiting gran etc.
Not bad advice not to get into a lift alone, sometimes. Depends on the lift, the time of day and who else is around. So some of your DM's ideas are rationally based. Not getting haircuts on a Wednesday - interesting superstition, I wonder where it's from. I do not do washing on New Year's Day, a 'superstition' I picked up from my 2nd MiL - also handy as I don't want to do washing on New Year's Day! The meat and milk/dairy thing is a Jewish dietary law - which will originally have been based on health in hot countries - so where has this come from?
I think she's ok to leave DC with - no doubt she also avoids walking under ladders (rational - someone might drop something on you) and ok as long as it doesn't involve stepping into a busy road.
But if you are unhappy - which is what matters - then find a childminder.

To be honest with you @Looklikepob I would be forcing myself to turn a blind eye to her craziness until I wasn't so reliant on her for childcare.

I would suggest finding a nursery with better opening hours and not having your mum look after her any more.

My mother went down the conspiracy rabbit hole, she never looked after my dd alone but it still affected every one around her. We've now be no contact for 6 years (her choice) as I wouldn't toe the line with her beliefs and involve my dd in them (not watching Disney movies for example or using fluoride toothpaste).

Mine is an extreme situation but it started in somewhat the same way as you describe.

Oh? Because if it turns out OPs Mum might have a nasty UTI or a neurological disorder undiagnosed. But she's helping her save £40 a week then it's far better to just ignore it? 🙄

She's probably just a bit nuts but nothing that would harm a small child so I would just put up with it for now. A UTI is unlikely if it's been going on for months (or longer).

Maybe OPs mum should see a doctor but I doubt she would accept there's anything wrong with her, probably thinks she's just being careful. A lot of people have weird superstitions & irrational anxieties and I don't think the NHS could cope if they all started asking for brain scans.

I think only you know the full picture…a few of your examples sound like someone being overly careful, eg with frozen food or being out in the dark. I wouldn’t immediately jump to the conclusion of her being unwell because these are things to consider (I wouldn’t travel more than 10 minutes with frozen food and when I was out with my pram at 5pm the other day I took the bus home rather than walk through the park in the dark), she’s just more on the careful side. Superstitions like hairdressers on Wednesdays..,that depends how serious she is about this, whether she has a breakdown if you do it or whether she just rolls her eyes.
But apart from that, if you don’t get on with her then using her for childcare might not be the best idea in general,

It’s Sundays you’re not supposed to cut hair.

Of course OP is prioritising the welfare of her child.

She obviously can't leave her with her DM. And she needs to find safe childcare in order to continue to work.
Or do you suggest she gives up work?

From what OP says her DM has had long term signs of mental ill health which are getting worse.
You have absolutely no idea of what has occurred in their relationship earlier. Whether OP has tried to help or what in the past.

You are assuming that naturally caring about childcare is mutually exclusive with caring about her DM.

How really unpleasant to turn OP's question about a practical issue into a stick to beat her with.

And free childcare is free right?

You cannot use her for childcare. As your child gets older she will be imposing her belief on the child and no doubt cause the child massive anxiety about doing something wrong.

As others said you need to look for a Nursery with better hours.

Did your mother exhibit these behaviors all her life or are they a symptom of aging? I'm not sure I would leave a child in her care tbh. Best to look at placing her with qualified professionals where she can play with other children her own age and not end up adopting your mother's mindset/behaviours.

Would a different nursery or childminder not solve the problem? Having to work til 5pm is completely normal, lots of nurseries are 8-6 or even longer hours. You can still use your free hours of childcare. If you are eligible for UC do you claim all you can including childcare element? Nursery is hugely expensive but also temporary. Keeping a better paid job is so worth it in the long term even if you have lean times until school starts.

Call me a coward but I'd be tempted to try to address the 2 things separately. Get your child into different childcare first, and then talk to your mum about your worries for her.

yup

Use paid childcare and there is plenty of help available in the UK towards it. Sounds like your mother needs health with her mental health, which will probably won’t be received well.

No one should USE anyone for child care.
You dont use people.